Am I weak to want to go back on medication?

[DancingLady]

Anyone else stopped meds and then started again because you felt so bad?

My DD was born 3 years ago, and after having been medicated for depression on and off for a decade before then, PND hit me like a truck. I was in a mother and baby unit with DD when she was 6 weeks old for a month after I had a breakdown. Since then I've been on fluoxetine, think it was 60mg a day at first, then 40, and 20 for the past year or so. I'd been feeling more level and much better and after discussing it with my GP I started reducing my dose in late May. Stopped taking the meds at the end of June. A few weeks of dizziness and feeling really woozy and like I had vertigo. But recently I'm crying all the time and thinking that I can't look after DD and that she'd be best off without me. That I'm not a good enough mum for her. As an example, today I was sobbing in front of her as I was just so tired. She was really concerned and trying to look after me but I really think it's not something a 3-y-o needs to see. And I don't want her to feel that it's her job to worry about mummy.

Everything feels very close to the surface, even crappy songs make me start crying. I can't watch any coverage of Daniel, the 4-y-o who died recently after months of abuse, as it makes me want to kill myself. That's not a normal reaction, is it?

My DH says he'll support me whatever I choose to do but I know that he basically wants me to be drug-free and happy. And I'm not sure I can do that, so that's another thing I've failed at.

Sorry if I sounds maudlin. Basically I think I want to go back on medication but feel really weak for wanting to.

There is nothing weak about going back on your medication.
Look at the strength you have to recognise these signs and to want to take action.
You are a bright, strong woman

I had PTSD following childbirth, avoided meds for a year, then finally gave in and felt so much better.
I stopped after 7 months but 2 months later I had to go back on them. I don't care if I stay on them forever, I feel so normal on them my GP doesn't even ask now, I've told her I'm just gonna carry on

It's not weak. At all. You recognise you need them, take them.

I take meds for a physical illness. Every now and then I feel so much better and stop taking them and after a few weeks i feel so so much worse. Am I weak for starting the meds again?

No difference in my opinion.

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, think about what is best for you and your DC.

That's the thing, I feel like there's a stigma attached to taking meds for a mental illness, which doesn't exist for physical illnesses. And I know this is stupid.

My DH comes from a family that's very stiff-upper-lip and just-get-on-with-it. I think my DH sees it as a weakness, tho he'd never say so to me.

Mosschops yep I feel normal on the meds, I don't feel 'drugged' or like I'm unable to feel happy/sad/furious etc. I can still feel everything, but my reactions to, and the way I deal with, stressful stuff are just better.

I guess I do feel like there's a badge of honour for being drug-free. But then again, if you're ill you treat your illness rather than try to tough it out. And I don't think I'm going to do DD any favours by trying to prove I can be a good mum off my medication.

I allowed myself to be convinced out of taking anti-depressants by my whole family (PTSD, PND, major anxiety and depression issues). They did see it as a stigma and thought I was fine and it would pass.

What actually happened is I suffered in silence for years, had a breakdown and did a huge amount of damage to my digestive system through anxiety and starving/binging etc on food and drink (that's what the meds are for that I do take).

Take the pills, feel better, don't worry about what other people think. Put yourself first.

DancingLady, I'm facing the same choice as you right now. I thought I was well enough and strong enough to fight the black fog off, after coming off my meds at the beginning of July (very gradual withdrawal), but tonight, I don't think I have any other choice than to start again...with the tablets, with getting better, enjoying the time I have with my gorgeous little girlie.

Like you, my DH wants me to to be drug free and happy, but how can he possibly know or understand how I'm feeling inside right now..