Congratulations on your baby boy :) I do hope some of motherhood feels lovely as it sounds like you have been very 'unlucky' in your birth.
Please go to your GP, maybe make a long appointment? My tactic is to spill everything out and let the lovely doctor make a plan, think about medication etc. [not that I do that all the time I just mean in hte times that it feels like everything is crappy]
Seems like there are several issues: Pain, thinking about your hard and traumatic birth, depression, communication with your husband, guilt of how its effecting your baby and you're knackered.
My two pence worth [I am not a health professional, just a lot of your post sounds familiar]
Pain - Please seek help and consider medication. I have chronic pain, mainly in my arms, neck and hands but recently had back injury too. Everyone felt a need to tell me about how they choose to "live with their pain" and "don;t want to put chemicals into my system". Well, each to their own but my life has been transformed with medication and it pretty much solved soooooo many issues in our household and family. I can lift my daughter up when she falls, hand write a little bit, etc etc. What ever your situation and how you feel their are always things to try - please see your doctor. Also, have adapted my table to a little 'cooking station; as standing right now is so hard. Evening meals are now lovely ass instead of crying with pain I sit with radio on, chopping veg, DD can help, etc etc
Also. it will get better. Even it is just in how you cope.
Brith - so sorry it was crap. I think a traumatic birth has so many legacies. Pain is awful and the mind doesn;t like it either. I didnlt resent my dd but I know those who did an I totally understand. Personally, I had difficult birth and what upset me was the thought I might never want another child and that it felt like all our big family plans were out the window. I cried so much for my second child i might never have f that makes sense. I find I am now terrified of knives, cutting, anything surgical after c section. i wont go into details but after several bleeds and infections in my wound I felt I had this gaping whole that my guts wuld just spill out of. Even now, if I look at the pale, healthy scar it makes me feel a bit icky...
There are things you can do. like chat to midwives and discuss the liekylhood of what might happen next time as well as helping you process it. Again, see your GP. You have post traumatic stress and its is very very real. Treatment and help is alwso real.
Depression - not surpirsed you feel so low, its a really hard time for you. Do talk. Don;t feel guility. This has happend TO you , no by you, if that makes sense. its possible your partner is feeling low too as he must be worried for you. And its so big having a baba, even if its not your first.
Guilt. This is the feeling that overwhelmed me being a new mum, only second to anxiety. In terms of not being able to carry your son, it is ok. Me and dd had 'hillarious' evenings when I would attempt a sling then have to go to a neighbour cos I couldn;t get her off with my arms etc... DD is now 5 and from very early on she knows that mummy cuddles sat down and in bed and that daddy carries her. Terrible twos often found me sat on the floor in Morrisons while poeple told me to 'just pick her up'. Doesn;lt bother me now as I know she is getting what she needs, end of.
You;ll feel guilt at everything anyway, sorry! Like when DD put crisps in her packed lunch, next to the fruit, healthy stuff etc, still heard Gove tellign everyone packed lunches should be banned,......
Anyway. Sorry, its been long but I just wanted to say it will get better, you will either get better or learn to cope. Do look into pain medication though, as I said, it has changed my life. [i am feeling a bit sore as I type adn I just BEAM as its sooooo mild compared to lying in agony.
is spd likely to improve?
so I just take paracetamol and ibroprofen. I've tried loads and nothing works or agrees with me. You're right about pain taking over everything and when there isn't a quick fix it makes it harder to deal with and to face. It makes me feel very low indeed.