strange uncontrollable thoughts
elsabel · 03/07/2013 12:41
Firstly, i really do not think i have pnd and am generally coping well with my 1mo dd despite being very sleep deprived. I have a very supportive partner, family, friends etc. I have my emotional moments and can feel myself giving my partner a hard time sometimes as someone to take it out on. I feel angry at him as i feel like he comes home from work and gets to fuss over dd then give her back to me at nightime when its time to go to bed. (He really is great and supportive just works a lot of hours).
But the main issue is i keep having awful uncontrollable thoughts, for example, if i am carrying my baby and see a knife i have a vision of hurting her with it, and this morning when i saw a plastic bag i had the same about suffocating her. Its horrible, i would never do these things, never, and im not worried that i would. When i was pregnant i had these thoughts about my bump, but thought they would go awaybut they havent.
Sorry, bit longer than i planned!
Anyone had the same of similar?
Norem · 03/07/2013 13:16
Elsabel congratulations on your DD, very occasionally after birth we can get a condition called puerperal psychosis.
It includes having very disordered thoughts at times.
I think you should tell your husband today about these thoughts and make a drs appointment.
There is a specialist service in most areas for maternity mental health advice your gp or health visitor will know how to contact them.
Norem · 03/07/2013 13:24
Just read your post again slowly :) and realise you had these thoughts when you were pregnant too.
I think this makes it less likely to be psychosis but I think it is well worth you having a chat with someone.
How much sleep are you getting in 24 hours? Are you managing to nap at all when your lo is asleep?
Are you eating properly?
elsabel · 03/07/2013 13:40
Norem thankyou for your reply. I feel like im over reacting if i go to a gp, as i would never do anything to harm her. Its more like an intrusive vision that i cant prevent, a bit like OCD, which i have always suffered from. Dont know if that makes sense its hard to explain.
Some nights i get 4/5 hours, sometimes only 3 but not more than 2 at a time as im breastfeeding a very hungry baby. As silly as it sounds i rarely nap as feel like i need to do other stuff while she is asleep, or when i do plan to nap she wakes up which makes me feel worse so i dont bother trying. Am eating well, always make sure i do as im breastfeeding
elsabel · 03/07/2013 13:42
I should add that i am still recovering from birth, had an episiotomy and have had infections since and been on non stop antibiotics for it. Dont think that has helped.
bedtimeyet · 03/07/2013 15:02
I wouldn't worry too much, I'm pretty sure its not psychosis or you would be having strange beliefs as well.
I think its quite common to have thoughts like this I had them a lot when my kids were little, and they are still alive happy teenagers, I think it becomes a habit, I stopped letting them worry me they gradually went away over time, just try to ignore them, don't let them bother you they are just thoughts.
I think its more OCD related and being tired, not getting a few hours of continuous sleep.
I didn't tell anyone at the time because I wasn't sure that the doctor or health visitor wouldn't misunderstand and assume I had intentions instead of unwanted thoughts, or like the other post think I am suffering from psychosis.
I tried antidepressents because I thought I must be depressed but they didn't stop the thoughts. I don't think its treatable.
elsabel · 03/07/2013 18:43
Thanks for your reply bedtime its nice to know that someone else has felt the same, and has been ok. Its hard to explain the feeling. I think il have a chat with my dh and try and relax about it , hopefully once i can get more sleep i will feel better.
HipHopHooray · 03/07/2013 18:48
Urgh I had this too and it was horrible. I couldn't go upstairs with my baby incase I went mad and threw he down the stairs :( apparently its quite common but you do need to talk to your mw/hv about it (mine was lovely) x
ballby · 03/07/2013 19:01
I have similar. Walking over a bridge, have 'visions' of lobbing her off it, etc. Had it with my son too when he was tiny. I confided in a friend and she thought it was something to do with power. Like we have all this power, we literally hold their lives in our hands, and these thoughts are a reflection of that. Or something! Not entirely sure i agree, but Iit makes some sense! I do know they passed with my son, and i expect them to with my daughter.
Congratulations btw. Take each day as it comes.
elsabel · 03/07/2013 19:14
Thanks ballby i get what you mean about the power thing.
Hiphop i have the stairs thing too, and have been sleeping downstairs for about 2 weeks now and avoid going yp there with her if i can. Ive got my HV coming on the 17th so will mention it to her if its not better by then, i just worry about her doubting my capabilities as a mum.
elsabel · 03/07/2013 19:16
And if you dont mind me asking, did you have pnd or any other symptoms along with it when you was getting these thoughts?
somewherebecomingrain · 03/07/2013 19:22
I'm fairly sure this is a normal natural thing - natures own warning system to make you hyper alert to every potential danger so you keep your child safe.
As you say you're not worried you will actually do it.
I too saw in my minds eye my baby stabbed, suffocated, abducted, bitten by dogs, etc etc. I saw myself doing it. I knew I would never do it.
I decided it was ok. i remembered how I would occasionally lose my purse or forget things or make other mistakes. I felt these thoughts were there because with your baby there can be no mistakes.
Uncomfortable as they were, The thoughts kept me focused and vigilant and I was perhaps even glad of them, as a result.
HandMini · 03/07/2013 19:23
Yup, I have this too, still now that DD1 is two years old. If I'm boiling the kettle for example and she comes into the kitchens I get horrible flashes of "what if I pured the water on her".
I know this is totally stupid as I would never intend to do such a thing and the chances of it happening by accident are minuscule.
I think it's some kind of inbuilt biological hard wiring in the brain to remind parents of the bad things that can happen to children and make sure we protect them.
waterlego6064 · 03/07/2013 19:25
I think a lot of us have/have had these intrusive thoughts from time to time, especially where babies and little children are concerned. I'm sure I read once that they are more common in those with obsessive disorders/behaviours.
I used to get them when my children were very little but less so now. Nowadays, I tend to get thoughts about throwing my phone into the sea/onto a motorway, eg if I am standing on a bridge. On planes, I tend to think that I might suddenly open the emergency exit door. Another one I get from time to time is when I am holding a hot cup of tea and get the thought that I might throw it over the person I'm talking to It doesn't really worry me any more as I have never acted on any of these thoughts; but they can feel uncomfortable.
I don't think there would be any harm in mentioning it to your HV or GP; but I also think they can be quite 'normal', unless they are very frequent or all-consuming, in which case you might want to talk it over with someone.
HandMini · 03/07/2013 19:27
Water, I get this one too: when I am holding a hot cup of tea and get the thought that I might throw it over the person I'm talking to
Coldcuppacoffee · 03/07/2013 19:41
Sounds like your hormones are a bit out. I would get help ASAP though as I am sure keeping it to yourself makes it feel bigger than it is.
I went a bit funny after each child but sought help and they thoughts went away quickly.
ballby · 03/07/2013 20:34
I never had pnd diagnosed but was very anxious. Nothing this time.
Reading other responses has reminded me I too get them about non baby related incidents. What if I pishedthat sstranger in front of a car? What if I flushed my keys down the toilet? What if I throw a rock at that window?
No idea how normal this all is! As far as I am aware I have no other ocd type disorders.
elsabel · 03/07/2013 21:26
Thankyou all for you responses, they are very helpful. Actually now some of you mention it i have had it about other things just not as vividly, eg when driving my car sometimes i will think 'i could crash my car right now'. And i do suffer with OCD from time to time, so maybe thats enhanced it.
pickledparsnip · 03/07/2013 21:30
I had them when my son was born & 3 years later still sometimes do. It's my understanding that they are pretty normal. Lack of sleep does strange things to people, I personally went a bit mental! Get as much sleep as you can & get additional help from the gp/hv if you feel you need it.
savemesomewine · 03/07/2013 21:51
Hi elsabel - I had exactly the same after my DD was born 2 years ago. I got fantastic help from my midwife & GP and was treated for severe anxiety and OCD. Can I please reassure you that these thoughts are normal but if they are intrusive & making your day to day tasks difficult, please go and ask your GP for help. My point is that it might be nothing or it may be a little something and you can get help that means you don't have to struggle on. I knew that I needed help when I couldn't sleep or function because I had a knot of anxiety in my tummy constantly, the intrusive thoughts were pretty much constant and I was also thinking that I should perhaps harm myself - after all, in my mind then, if I was out of the equation than no harm could come to my darling DD. I always knew deep down that I would never do anything to hurt her but I couldn't bat the thoughts away. Oh, one of the first things my GP did, btw, was prescribe me sleeping tablets (very mild) and my DP took over the night feeds for a bit. Sleep depravation can really make you go doolali!
spicegirl13 · 03/07/2013 22:25
I'm so glad I've come across this thread, I get exactly the same thoughts, what if I turned the wheel of the car now & crashed into the one coming the other way, what if I took my wedding ring off & threw it into the river, what if I threw my baby down the stairs, what if I drove off & left my children on the side of the road.
I had no idea other people got these thoughts too. I, also, have no doubt that I would never act out these things but it still worries me.
Sleep deprivation definitely doesn't help
Rones · 16/07/2013 12:13
Hi - I suffered from terrible intrusive thoughts with dd1 - please read 'Imp of the Mind' by Lee Baer. I so wished someone had told me to read this as it would have been huge relief, I was so distraught by the thoughts I was having. It does get better. I'm expecting dd2 in a few weeks and worry it will happen again but do feel very reassured by being able to read this book which makes so much sense.
emblosion · 17/07/2013 20:32
I had this too with my ds1 (and still do very occasionally). I did have pnd/ptsd but for me the ocd/anxiety was mostly how it manifested itself.
Apparently it is quite common, I found it massively distressing at the time.
Forgetfulmog · 17/07/2013 20:37
Just wanted to add here that I get these types of thoughts too - they are extremely common, but obviously no one wants to talk about it so no one knows! It's a type of anxiety, but I wouldn't worry about it.
Congratulations on your ds & I sympathise about the sleep deprivation - I suffered with it for months with dd, but it did get better (she's now 10 mo).
SummerSevern · 26/07/2013 14:11
My dd is 1 week old and I've been having these thoughts. Took me 3 days to work up the guts to tell dh that I'd thought about pushing her in front of a car while crossing the road. Still feel guilty typing it.
But I have had some of these thoughts pre-baby too. Whenever I'm on a motorway I have the urge to open the car door. Dh reckons he sometimes wants to swerve off the road.
So you're certainly not alone.
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