Blame it all on PND

[Thaleia]

Hi,

A few weeks after DS was born, I "knew" something was wrong but it took 10 months till I reached out. I had 5 sessions therapy and thought I was ok and able to cope again.

Since then, we have moved and even if I wanted, couldn't go back to see my therapist.

My thoughts circle around the fact that my child isn't perfect ... he is way to short (I am 5,7 or 1,71m, DH is shy of 5,11 with 1,80m), just on the 25th percentile and therefore very small, he isn't walking with almost 14 months, he isn't saying one audible word, not even mama or dada, he is so wild and not cuddly at all, very, very chubby edging on the 91th percentile for weight..... He's just not right. Sometimes I am not sure if I love him.

In the last few weeks I was casually saying to my husband that it might be better if I'd go away or if I have an accident that this wouldn't be so bad as I am just a burden to him. Today whilst cooking I said if I would slip and open a vene, it'll be really quick. I say this very light hearted and I am not even sure that mean it. DH is very sweet and says that he loves me and needs me and that our son adores me ... .

I am just not sure what to think of it all anymore. Maybe I am just a really, really crap, selfish, self centred egoist who thinks her child makes her look stupid. I just can't belive that's all down to PND. Maybe the doc got it all wrong right from the beginning?

How do I fix this? How can I stop damaging my child now and in the near future? Everytime somebody says what a big boy he is I tell them that he's short but fat, what sort of mother am I?

I feel so awful and just don't now what to do anymore. I can't blame it on the PND or whatever, I know it's me. Maybe that's what I deserve.

Thali

Can't read and leave. I can only say I feel and act very similar to you regarding the accident 'jokes' and it is definitely PND so I would say how you feel re ds is also PND.

Please visit your GP.

Actually I think it is PND, 14mths is very early still and what you describe are quite negative thoughts that come with PND.

I think you will feel very differently by the time he turns 2.

Is there anything you can do just for you, a hobby you used to enjoy or an evening class so you get a break because I have an 18mo and it is full on when they are tiny.

I also think this is totally down to the PND. I felt a lot of the same things when I had it. And I wasn't diagnosed with it until DS was almost 12 months old, so feeling like this at 14 months seems entirely possible.
Please go and see your GP. This is not your fault, you're just not well at the moment and you will get better if you get the help that you need.