Feel terribly down after meeting with NCT mums :(

[BotBotticelli]

Please can someone reassure me that I am not doing a terrible job as a mum??

I met up with the women from my NCT class yesterday, with all their babies too, and - as usual - I came away from the meet up feeling like an alien: stressed, anxious, upset and like I am some sort of freak cos I am not breezing through this experience of fist-time-motherhood like some kind of pro.

Honestly, they all act as though having their babies has had no affect on their lives whatsover. They talk about taking their babies with them to get their nails/hair done, are planning group outings to Lakeside and other shopping places, they talk about normal things like what they saw on telly last night, etc etc, whereas all I can think/talk about is my son, who seems like a complex puzzle which I a struggling (and failing) to solve every day.

DS1 is almost 6 months old and I am being treated for PND and anxiety, so in my more rational moments I know that my experience of motherhood is bound to be different from theirs, but it just seems so unfair at the moment. Almost half of my year's mat leave is already gone and I don't feel like I have enjoyed a single minute of it :(

Also, I think DS1 is harder work than the other babies....I know this might sound like I am making excuses for finding it so hard (DH certainly seems to think I am), but DS is just such a handful....all the other babies in the group just sit placidly on the floor, shaking a toy, or just drift off to sleep on their mums' laps....DS cannot sit unaided at all yet, and so spends his day rolling around on the floor, screaming his head off every time he rolls onto his tummy so I have to roll him back. Literally we spend who days like this. And he has never just drifted off to sleep, i have to rock him like mad when we're out and about, and he even fights it in the buggy. I could never in a million years take him to a nail salon!! he would be backbending, screaming, grumping within 5 minutes of gettign there, won't just sit in his buggy etc etc.

I just can't shake the fear this morning that I am doing something wrong to make him like this :( I try so hard to keep in entertained and stimulated, I try never to let him see/feel that I feel down, I also try just leaving him to work it out/roll over himself - ie I don't just rush to him everytime he screeches - but he just seems to need so much more help/engagement than the others.

Please can someone reassure me that this is not cos I am doing something wrong? Is it possible that some babies are just harder work than others??

Gah, sorry for long rant, head is all over the place this morning :(

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1672284-Whats-the-most-barking-thing-youve-witnessed-at-a-mums-group

I feel your pain. I have pnd, anxiety and a sometimes pretty unsettled baby with bad reflux. I often avoid baby groups and catch ups because I don't know when she'll have a meltdown! I also get fed up of hearing about people who can go to baby bounce classes and gymbaroo and god knows what else, and have babies who will sit quiet on their lap while they have lunch out. you are a brilliant mummy and all you can do is look after her and comfort her to the best of what you can, which you're already doing. do you have much practical support? please try and open up to a couple of people, you might be surprised at how much it helps.

Babies are different. In my NCT I couldn't join in some conversations as I just wasn't experiencing some of the stuff they were talking about. i still see these friends, but also have a great group of friends I met at a baby cafe. You can have more than one group of friends, so try a few groups where the mums maybe are a little more open with their trials. Don't leave your nct group, just find other mums who will enjoy doing stuff that suits their and your babies more, and where you feel relaxed.

Thank you so much for your kind words and reassurance ladies - feel very overwhelmed by how kind you all are, and am heartened by your stories of feeling similar and things getting better with time.

It's funny some of you should use the word 'spirited'...i have actually posted elsewhere on MN about DS being a fecking handful spirited baby and although I shouldn;t compare him to the other NCT babes, he certainly seems like a sparky little monkey in comparison. Fingers crossed he will end up being a dreamy toddler...

I will deffo look out a copy of that What Mothers Do book, and have found out today that there is a baby and toddler group at a church hall round the corner from my house which I am going to try next week in the hope of meeting a wider range of people.

I think part of the problem with my NCT group might be that apart from all having vaginas, and having recently birthed a baby, i don't really have anything in common with those ladies (I have never had my nails done in my life and am not really a 'wandering around Lakeside' kinda girl)...maybe I need to meet people who I actually get on with on a personal level, as well as the fact they're new mummies, and then I might feel more comfortable being honest with them about how I am feeling.

Thank you again for your support xxx

" Is it possible that some babies are just harder work than others??"

Yes my dear, of course it is! When you and all your friends/acquaintances have more children there is a much bigger pool of types of baby compare to. You soon realise that all babies are very different!

One of my good friends had a dd1 who was so easy, she was content, she fed well, slept well and generally was a piece of cake. Then her dd2 came along, who was rather like your DS sounds to be, and, well lets say she got rather a shock!

In case it helps her DD1 turned 3 and turned from angel into nightmare toddler, defiant, aggressive and generally difficult. When her DD2, who hated being a baby, reached about 15 months, she turned into a dream child!

Your son won't always be like this. Promise! And given that its been hard for you you won't find the kamikaze mobile baby stage and the food hurling stage or the terrible toddler stage too much of a shock, its been crappy for you already and you are used to it!

Those NCT mums with textbook babies, on the other hand, are in for a nasty surprise soon when their easy babies start hurling themselves downstairs, saying no to everything, and squeezing nanas into the curtains!

Good luck love

PS my DS was the kind of baby your friends seem to have. He was very different to my DD.

Even when hours old he happily lay in his cot and looked around him. He would sit up in his buggy for hours while I sat in cafes, smiling at people and generally being quite content. He fed well and only for 10 mins a time. He only woke once or twice a night and went straight back to sleep after a quick feed. He was dead easy! (Good job as his sister was at the toddler stage then!)

My DD wasn't particularly difficult but she was certainly harder work than her brother. She wouldn't lie in her basket at all for the first two months without crying, so she slept on me and i carried her everywhere in a sling and the shopping went in the pram. Even when she was happy to sleep in her cot she needed a lot of reassurance when you put her down, I had to sit there for 30 mins till she dropped off. Even now at age four she struggles to settle herself (she has to listen to an audiobook).

My DS (18 mths) on the other hand is quite happy to lie in his cot, cuddle down and drift off to sleep!

I'm so sorry you're going through a really tough time, especially with the PND. But please let me reassure you that you're experience sounds far more normal than that of your other NCT mums.

Being a parent, especially a Mum, to young children is incrediably hard! My DS is now 21 months old, and with hindsight, I don't think I really started enjoying materntiy leave until he was about 8 months i.e. until they are sleeping a lot better, can entertain themselves a bit, sit up, are fully weaned, off the boob etc. And all that depends on each baby - there's no hard or fast full.

Some babies are definitely harder work than others, but I'm sure it all evens out. One of my NCT babies was a nightmare for the first 7m, but is now the calmest, sweetest, easiest little toddler :)

Have you tried talking to the other NCT mums about how you feel? You'd probably be surprised that most of them aren't managing as well as they make out, and if they say otherwise, they're probably fibbing! If they make you feel bad, why not try some other local Mum & baby groups & meet some more like-minded mums. The last thing you need is to be around people who make you feel bad about yourself.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, as being a Mum is hard enough! But (apologies for me saying this, as it annoys me when others say it to me) - it will get easier :) I'm sure you're doing a great job as a Mum and try to focus on how far you've come since that tiny little new born arrived.

Good luck!

^^ Bot,

Yep, try to find mums you feel you will get on with. Go to the church hall one a few times, I went by myself for a few weeks before I was brave enough to talk to strangers, but four years later, the ladies I met are my closest friends. We never have our nails done or go shopping togeher. Good luck finding people who will enjoy the same things you do.

While you're investing in books, I recommend The Fussy Baby Book. While DS seemed to me to be unlike any other baby we met in real life he was exactly like the babies in there, so it filled me with renewed confidence that it wasn't me or something I was doing wrong.

And www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060739665 Raising Your Spirited Child is good once your baby gets a bit older; it really helped me think about things from DS's point of view and be aware of potential triggers and situations he found difficult.

First time I saw a baby drift off to sleep without intervention DS was over 2. I was literally pointing and babbling about it like a loon. (It wasn't DS by the way, it was a new baby of a friend of a friend.) I'd never seen anything like it.

I spent DS's entire infancy with him glued to me like a limpet, day and night. I knew every inch of every softplay, and hadn't had a full nights sleep for years. He's a gorgeous 7-year-old now, with friends, hobbies and a curious, funny, shy but inner-confident nature.

I too have wanted to run screaming, have had huge self-doubt ('what have I done? Why is my baby sooooo needy?') and have also had 2 more children who, while hard work, don't touch DS's intensity.

Sometimes that's how it goes.

The 'what mothers do' book cheered me up enormously, as did Sears 'the baby book'.

I was you, OP. I had one of those babies that would not be put down and wouldn't let me sit down either. I spent 5 months dancing with him in my arms. It was a relief that he was an early crawler. I ended up volunteering for NCT and was involved in setting up a group for parents with very active/noisy/mobile babies. It's packed every week and it's lovely to see all the little people going mad together while the mums get their first hot cup of tea in years.

Hang in there. It DOES get easier, and it really doesn't last forever. You are not alone.

Yup high needs baby here too!

What a lovely supportive thread, mn at its best.

all having vaginas, and having recently birthed a baby, i don't really have anything in common with those ladies

OP, this was my lightbulb moment and helped me feel a darn sight better - I suddenly realised one day that if I wasn't enjoying the meet ups then why go (as other's have commented) I think I felt programmed for a while to do so, and it was supportive / helpful in the early months, but by 6 months and about to return to work (whilst all of them were still swanning around) I was ready as was my also equally spirited wouldn't sit still dd to go off and explore further and to and do the things I enjoyed doing. I found sanity and wisdom and much more enjoyment with friends that already had kids and with close friends who didn't even. It was breath of fresh air and a relief to suddenly feel like this weight was lifted off my shoulders!

Go forth and enjoy and relax and relinquish yourself of the nct 'obligation' I really wish you well and hopefully you'll feel empowered and liberated to just say not to a meet up (doesn't mean you don't keep in touch) just sort of plan your own thing for a while.

It does get easier

You mentioned Lakeside OP, where are you located ? I live close to there

You're right Munxx, this really is mumsnet at it's best - what a wonderful amazing supportive bunch of ladies you all are. I wish you were all in my NCT group!!!

I am just the other side of the river MilkyMocha, near Bexley in SE London...which is another reason why the planned trip to wander around Lakeside is equally a no-go for me....don;t really fancy getting stuck in rush hour traffic over the Dartford Bridge with my carseat-hating DS screaming in the back seat!

Kalidasa, as above, I am in SE London zone 5, so probably pretty much as far from you in NW London as you can get....although I suppose better than being in Glasgow or something! PM me if you fancy arranging some sort of meet in central London,...although have only taken DS into central London on the train once so far.

I had the spirited baby in my NCT group too. Topped with failing to bf, but feeding EBM. I was always sorting bottles out, and having to rush home to express and sterilise bottles. Had very small window to do anything as had to keep on top of milk supply. The others all just chatted and looked at me with pity as I struggled with a baby who would not be put down, or left even for a second.

However, once she started to wean, there was a reversal, everyone else were complaining about how hard it all was, and due to all the hassle I had with feeding in the first place, this bit was a breeze.

Oh I also knocked the baby massage teachers "money plant" over and broke the pot, whilst the others were all serenely breast feeding as well. Could not do anything right, although she slept ok. My second one, was amazing in the day, but terrible at night.

I hope things start to get better for you soon. Hopefully bit by bit things will start to ease up for you.

I'm sure there'll be MNers near to you? I've been to a London meet up mind you, came from the north. There's some right characters down there

Is there a Baby Sensory class near you? It was the only thing that held my monkey's attention. I have very find memories. Give them a call and try a taster session.

Baby Sensory website. That looks great.

Just remembered, when dd1 was nearly 6 months old and I was about to go back to work, went to visit a friend whose first baby was v close in age. She was looking harrassed: "I don't know what's wrong with him this morning. Usually he's very happy to just sit there, but today he won't settle for more than 20 minutes!"

I had to say mine had never settled for 20 minutes . . .

Iwillorderthefood - DH thought taking DS would calm him and give them some bonding time. DH arrived home an hour later exhausted and embarrassed from chasing a naked angry crawler all over the room.

They didn't go back.

20 minutes! Just think what you could achieve in 20 minutes! I wish. My babies wouldn't settle at all without bein held.

Agree with the poster about it being a self-selecting group, many stay away because they can't stand the smugness! My DS was like yours, and I had a very unsupportive DH - the other mums DHs were of course all perfect. I realised it was making me feel worse going, so I stopped, but I did meet one friend there who was more like me ( and the sort of person I would have been friends with even if we didn't have the baby connection). At least now there is MN, I wish it had been around then ( And my Ds is now a lovely boy of 15 who has been a delight (not just us - everyone tell sis this....) since about the age of six months when he finally stopped screaming )

God. I can so sympathise. I was older by 10 years than any of the other NCT mums in my class. They all had John lewis/Kath kidson prams and changing bags and were immaculately dressed and so were their singleton babies (that slept through from day one according to them).
I turned up in my puke stained primark special, after 2 hrs sleep with my mahoosive twin buggy and on cue one of the boys would do a poomageddon which required a full change. I usually ran out of wipe/clothes/nappies/patience and went home after a 'relaxing' coffee feeling like a complete waste of space.
I hooked up with a girl from NHS anti natal classes who had her head screwed on. The world suddenly seemed normal after that when I realised that they had probably worked hard to look quoiffed and manicured and doing that was just one of the many jobs that took up time that could be spent with my boys (and cleaning up poo )

How are you doing Bot?