What's the most barking thing you've witnessed at a mum's group?

[Berts]

Not just the usual competitive, Stepford Mommies rubbish, but real 'back away now, slowly' stuff.

Mine was when one of the babies, ten months old fell over and banged his head. His mum picked him up to give him a cuddle (of course) but, when he didn't stop crying pretty quickly she stands him on her lap, looks him in the eye and starts barking: "Man up! Come on, Man up!"

Barking being the operative word...

I did see one mom retrieve her daughters cup from another child and proceed to scrub it clean - inside and out - with bleach and boiling water. The child hadn't drunk from it and there were only about 4 moms there so it was really awkward!

This may be normal viewing to some of you but I would call it bat shit crazy

Baby is toddling around quite content to bang at the play kitchen & sort through the play food box. With mother following 2 paces behind cooing & what do we call this Imogen, THAT'S RIGHT its a saucepan well done. Good listening! And what do we use a saucepan for? That's riiiight.

Proceed to crouching behind poor bloody Imogen as she tries to eat her fruit constantly talking at her - what's this Imogen, its an apple, they grow on trees, do you like them, what colour is it, can you name another fruit, a banana well done, is a banana yellow, don't forget you have a drink, do you need a wee, do you need a poo, can you say banana in French, what words do you know in French, can you count in French, that's right, un deux trois etc YAY we can count in French how clever are we

Haha. I am onetiredmummy's barking mum.

Not at a playgroup, but with two 'friends' I met at playgroup. They were ridiculously competitive. It would start with the 'Oh, bless, your dd has got her colours mixed up a bit! That's so cute, mine's known her colours since she was 3months old' kind of one upmanship, and by the end of every playdate had escalated into a slanging match. 'You smoke in front of her? Really? Do you not worry about giving her cancer?' and 'Such a shame you have to work and leave your dd to be brought up by strangers. Still, I suppose needs must' etc. and then we'd go home with cheery 'see you at mine next week!'. It was so weird. I did it three times before my nerves just totally gave out and I ditched the pair of them.

One of them tried to get me involved once. My dd banged her head and cried. Crazy mum tutted and said 'mine doesn't cry any more. She finds it embarrassing.' The babies were 11 months old. I swear to god those were her exact words.

This one was scary...

There were those foam playmats on the floor for the baby area...a mum was carrying her baby, tripped over the mat, and began to fall (seemed like slow motion), everyone screamed out as she was heading for babies lying on the floor and was also holding her own toddler.

Luckily another mum was standing nearby, so the falling mum threw her infant to the other mum (who thankfully caught her) and she used her hands to save herself from landing on the babies. The poor woman nearly did the splits. Toddler was crying and we all were semi poised above our seats...frozen...

The woman was so embarrassed and we all just wiped the sweat from our brows...

Another one was hilarious!! Two children started fighting and the inevitable argument happened... Mum A says "stop fighting please children"... Mum B says "no leave them to it - they will get over it then "...

Mum A and Mum B decend into an argument of epic proportions whilst we all hurredly tidy up and pretend it is not happening before getting the hell out of there!

Camper- I would have done that too. Lo has a medical condition causing v low immune system. So the cup would have been cleaned, and Lo has hands Milton wiped after playing with stuff. Or toys wiped before using them. Its that or not socialise.

When DD was about 18 months I took her to a music group. The teacher was a bit hippy dippy and weird - she kept going on about DD's innate sense of rhythm and feel for the music. (all she was doing was bashing a tambourine with a stick.)

At the next class she took me to one side and whispered that she had the 'gift' and that DD had been an Indian squaw in a past life and was expressing her sorrow through music in this life.

We didn't go again.

Ooh Nancy! Please tell me you replied 'I hope you kept the receipt'

I'm snorting at "my dd doesn't cry anymore, she finds it embarrassing." :o

I was helping tidy the toys away at one group, a little girl kept jumping on the bouncy castle so I left her for a bit and tidied everything else away, her mum was watching her, 10 minutes later she was still bouncing and I explained we were going home soon, all very child friendly voice etc, she ran to her mum and her mum told her to jump back on so she did. She was 3.

I just took the balls out and off her and deflated the bloody thing! She ran off crying and pointing at me, then her mother gave me terrible looks.

I met a woman at a baby group whose DD was the same age as mine - 6 months. She saw me changing DD's nappy and made a sympathetic face and said "Oh she's still in nappies? Maisie has been toilet trained since four months."

Luckily I was on the ball enough to tell her that DD had been too busy learning Latin to think about toilet training.

Elimination communication at six months old .. In the middle of the circle of mums singing wind the fucking bobbin on.

it was my first and only foray into mother and baby groups

The coffee was tepid (to avoid accidents) and the biscuits were shit and stale

Labootin maybe we were at the same group!

One new mum at our group of very newborns regaling us with her story about how she had pierced her 2 month old daughter's ears herself with a kit she got off the internet as she didn't want her to go through the pain when she was older and babies can't feel pain/remember anything.

For a group of first time mums who were having palpatations at the thought of taking our little ones for their first vaccinations, we were all and clutched our pearls and babes in arms much closer to our matronly bosoms.

That's brilliant Nancy66! What on earth was your response?!

Years ago, a mum and her son had been offered an unexpected lift home by another parent.

Her son had just turned 4 years old. She acquired a car seat which happened to be a group 1 baby car seat (the type you pick up and carry). She then went on to try and strap her 4 year old into the baby car seat.

Well as you can imagine, he wasn't willing to say the least. She eventually got him in, all arms and legs everywhere, only for him to roll the car seat over and attempt to walk with it on his back, while still being strapped into it. It was like watching some sort of giant, robotic, black tortoise.

She was a bizarre one.

We all pipped up and stepped in and he went home in suited sized car seat.

I used to attend a sure start playgroup in a deprived area, was very, er, eventful. The best thing was when one of the mums came in shouting and swearing at another mum for stealing her boyfriend (who was also the father of kids at the group )

Then there were the hangers-on who stayed for the company after their children were of school age and one whose children got taken into care but she still continued to come to the group and moan about the "bloody social" and how they wouldn't let her have enough access to her DC and how she'd be getting them back soon - FFS she threw her DD down the stairs and beat her with the metal part of a hoover :( There were a lot of arguments between the group members because the woman with school-aged DC was asked to stop coming but the woman whose kids were in care wasn't.

A couple of horrible ones - the mum who let her child run riot and terrorise all of the other children to massive cat's bum faces from all the other mums, she then obviously feels she ought to be seen doing something so starts slapping him really hard on his hands The worst thing was that the kid didn't even react, like he was used to it :( And then another time when a (different) child bit another one while his mum had popped out for a cigarette, that was horrifying. It was dealt with well within the group but then sparked lots of conversations about how people would "bite him back but you can't do that here, they watch you" :(

Aside from the incidents though it was a real lifeline for me at one time and very supportive.

I'll never forget being at an NCT coffee morning when one of the mums grabbed her daughter and gave her a hugh smack on the bum! Of all places! Not judging the smacking, but would you do it at an NCT coffee morning?

We still talk about her now and DC are 11!

Most mental thing was actually rather dangerous.

One mum thought it would be fine to get a jug of boiling water to warm her babies bottle. Which woul have been fine except she left it on the floor in the middle of the babies crawling area!!!

My ds (3yo) wandered over to see the babies and of course put his hand in it! I turned round to his shout (had been painting with dd) and quickly worked out what had happened and ran his hand under the tap for ages- despite his howls at it being cold!

I was livid but by the time I had sorted ds the session was almost over and she had left.

Luckily ds was fine but it could have been so much worse if a crawling baby had tipped it on their face!

My antenatal/baby group meets at a local sensory place, usually just the mums. On one occasion one of the babies dads came too.

The babies were at an exploring age, touch each others faces, hands etc.

My DD crawled over to another baby, and stroked her face. This dad then jumped in, pulled her hand away and barked, commando style. "We don't touch faces!!!!!!!!" Right in DD2s face. She was six months old!!!

The room just went

The room just went silent

Haha richardsimmons your response was excellent!

I read campers post and thought low immune system too.

Luckily I was on the ball enough to tell her that DD had been too busy learning Latin to think about toilet training

:o that is hilarious!!

'It was dealt with well within the group but then sparked lots of conversations about how people would "bite him back but you can't do that here, they watch you"'

and Poor kids.

'Not judging the smacking, but would you do it at an NCT coffee morning?'

I judge the smacking very much, NCT or anywhere else.

My colleague told me the other day that she was chatting with parents of a tiny baby who was born 2 months premature 3 months ago, so her adjusted age is about 1 month. The parents were saying that she is starting to pull herself up on furniture and that she can walk herself along when you hold her by the arms . Apparently their exact words were 'she'll definitely be walking soon' and it's all good because her dad 'walked when he was 4 months old'. The baby is one month old. Barking? Ignorant? Terrifying? Or all three?

Verbatim, I swear:

Breastfeeding mum: Oh, you've chosen to formula feed, how sad for your baby.

Formula feeding mum: I had no choice, I can't breastfeed.

BF mum: Everyone can breastfeed.

FF mum: No, not everyone can, I can't.

BF mum: Don't make excuses for your own selfishness, I pity your child.

FF mum: Oh just Fuck the Fuck off (storms off in huge tears).

Someone then informs BF mum that FF mum had had a double mastectomy.

at that BF mum Unexpected. I hope she was suitably mortified.