Losing myself completely!

[goddessturnedfrump]

I guess I just really feel the need to get everything out of my head and written down, I'm in no way expecting anyone to respond or even read my crazy babbling.

DS1 is three years old, DD is almost 1 and DS2 is just two weeks old. After the birth of DS1 I developed PND, it took nine months for me to be diagnosed. Was given AD's which I took for a couple of weeks and stupidly decided to stop taking myself after a scary episode of suicidal thoughts (which had never happened before taking them). Didn't return to GP for another six months, but when I did I was sent for Cognitive Behaviour Coaching. Didn't find it helpful, as she would just concentrate on me needing to take DS out when I could do that but really wanted a listening ear. After 8 session programme had finished, I didn't go back to GP then fell pregnant with DD.

After birth of DD, I hated anyone holding her/feeding her/changing her. She was MY little girl and I wanted her to myself. Even refused to let DP help. Worried PND was making a comeback, but these feelings lessened after a week or so and I returned to 'normal'. Although looking back I can see I was still suffering from the depression I had after DS1.

DS2 was such an easy pregnancy physically but emotionally I struggled. My moods changed dramaticaLly, more so than just pregnancy hormones dictate but I didn't do anything about it in case people judged me as a parent. Now since the birth of DS2 I've become totally unrecognisable to myself. I can't stand the sound of DS1 or DD's cries/whinges they make me feel angry though I never act upon it. I feel no love for anyone or anything other that DS2, although I know I still love my other two. I often wish my partner would just leave, he seems more of a hindrance than a help. Messes up my changing bag when I have it in the order I like, moves things from where they're supposed to be in the kitchen etc. I feel so down all of the time and often find myself either crying, or just gazing out the window. I cannot concentrate on anything for more than two minutes, unless it's something to do with the kids. When it gets close to bedtime I hate it, I feel sick because I know that night time is short and that I have to get up in the morning still feeling this way. It's not that I don't want to wake up, I just don't want to wake up to these feelings again. I'm also ashamed to admit that this morning I hit my DP, not in front of the kids luckily but I'm disgusted to say I probably would have still done it if they where around. I lost control. I failed at bf DS2 and partner made a comment this morning about his sister's friend who successfully bf her son and will just do it everywhere. It really got to me so I slapped him. I'm scared of myself. I can say I'd never hurt my kids but really, I thought I'd never hurt my partner. I'm a monster. I'm not me. What's happening

[EwanHoozami]

It's really bloody brave to admit everything that you just have. Do you feel able to go back to the GP or talk to your health visitor? Does DP know how you really feel?

The first ADs I tried did what you described. The second ones (prozac) saved me. There are other talking therapies too, some that are more of a listening ear.

You are not a monster, you are poorly, you will get better.

[Tigglettchic]

Oh you poor thing, what a scary thing to happen to you, shame you did not have a good H/V!

I hope you will take Ewan's advice and go to the GP and get some support, also talk to DP so that he knows how you feel.

You are not a bad mother, you are not a monster, you are amazing for admitting your feelings and you need to remember that.

Call you H/V or get an emergency GP appointment. And hug your DP

Hope you are ok?

[goddessturnedfrump]

Thank you for the replies. I've spoken to DP about how I feel but he doesn't really understand, he just asks me how I can feel that way when really we have a good life. Well behaved kids, nice house, decent income and 'strong' relationship. I can't really explain why I do, I don't even know why myself. He knows what happened this morning was totally out of character, and accepts my apologies but he's due back to work next week and is worrying about leaving me with DC.

I know I need to see the GP however I know that this will trigger off numerous visits/phone calls from my HV who I really don't feel is supportive. Does the HV have to know?

I just want to enjoy DC whilst they are young, but I don't feel enjoyment in anything. This evening I walked out the house, I only made it to the steps out the front but I sat there for 6 minutes then returned. DS1 was a wreck, in absolute tears, what kind of mum walks out?!! I'm terrible! They all deserve better than me. I tell DP to raise them himself, and find them a new mummy. He tells me I'm being stupid and I'd miss them. Of course I'd miss them, they're my life, but I can't be selfish I know it'd be better for them until I'm better. I don't want to ruin their lives.

[aPseudonymToFoolHim]

Things sound really tough for you at the moment, could you ring the Samaritans? They are there to listen, and just talking could really help you feel a bit more on top of things, esp as they can direct you to support.
Don't forget the mn mantra, 'this too will pass'
I'm sorry you are going through this, but I think you have started your journey toward sorting it out by posting here.
I'm sure you will get lots of advice and hand holding, and in the meantime, here's mine.

[EwanHoozami]

How are you feeling today?

It is really difficult for your DP to understand how you feel if he's never experienced depression himself, but he does need to understand that it's an illness. Would he do some reading on it if you asked him to? this is a good link from a fantastic organisation

There's a helpline number on there too. They're amazing women who've all been through it themselves.

The GP won't tell HV if you ask them not to, btw.

[goddessturnedfrump]

Today feels like a better day, I still have a dark cloud following me around but this morning I feel more in control of myself. Thank you for the link, DP read through it last night and I think he's starting to understand that this is beyond my control. I've still not been to see the GP, but I don't really know why I'm avoiding it? Each morning I think 'right I'll ring and make an appointment' but then I don't.

[goddessturnedfrump]

Really am not expecting anyone to come back to this thread but I guess I'm using this as a release. Had a party for DD over the weekend, a house full of adults and kids. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves apart from me. Standing in a room of 24 people and have never felt lonelier. Couldn't involve myself in any conversation, didn't feel like I belonged there (and this was a horrible feeling to have in my own home). I just walked around aimlessly with a black bag throwing away anything I could get hold of just to try and give myself purpose. Guests took turns entertaining DS2 whilst the older children entertained themselves in the garden. I really felt like I wouldn't be missed if I just walked out. Now today DP and I were supposed to take all DC to a soft play, this has gone out the window thanks to DP losing BOTH house keys and having to wait in all day for a locksmith. I can't take them on my own, the logistics wouldn't work. DS1 would go play on his own but DD would need me with her however I can't then leave DS2 in the pram by himself. Go with someone else you say? Well I would, if I had somebody else to go with. Cue the feeling of loneliness again as I literally have zero friends, not one. Most of my family live away from here, just my sister and mother nearby. Both work. That's it. Everyday I'm just feeling worse, I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

[goddessturnedfrump]

Really am not expecting anyone to come back to this thread but I guess I'm using this as a release. Had a party for DD over the weekend, a house full of adults and kids. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves apart from me. Standing in a room of 24 people and have never felt lonelier. Couldn't involve myself in any conversation, didn't feel like I belonged there (and this was a horrible feeling to have in my own home). I just walked around aimlessly with a black bag throwing away anything I could get hold of just to try and give myself purpose. Guests took turns entertaining DS2 whilst the older children entertained themselves in the garden. I really felt like I wouldn't be missed if I just walked out. Now today DP and I were supposed to take all DC to a soft play, this has gone out the window thanks to DP losing BOTH house keys and having to wait in all day for a locksmith. I can't take them on my own, the logistics wouldn't work. DS1 would go play on his own but DD would need me with her however I can't then leave DS2 in the pram by himself. Go with someone else you say? Well I would, if I had somebody else to go with. Cue the feeling of loneliness again as I literally have zero friends, not one. Most of my family live away from here, just my sister and mother nearby. Both work. That's it. Everyday I'm just feeling worse, I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

[EwanHoozami]

Oh lovey, you sound so sad. Well done for getting through the party, they're terribly draining even if you're feeling well. Do your sister and mother know how you feel at the moment?

How do you feel about getting out to toddler groups? There's a cracking one near me where the ladies from Mother's Union will take the babies off your hands for a cuddle while the mums drink coffee and keep an eye on the older ones. Heaven. You might find that there's a group specifically for mothers with PND . When I was feeling brave enough to to to my local one it really helped turned things around for me.

Have you had any more thoughts about going back to your GP?

[SwanseaMum]

Awe hunny I feel for u so much. I have lived it. Dh doesn't understand depression and thinks I am being silly and like your dp thinks I have everything and doesn't see why I would be sad and feeling this way when I have 3 beautiful dc and a lovely house.
Everything felt like a chore, at its worse I started cutting myself as a release and to stop myself from loosing my temper with my boys.
The first lot of ad I went on made me loopy, I didn't sleep for 2 weeks and was distraught. But I have found ones that work for me and although I still have bad days I am able to function and be with my kids.
Please go back to the gp. Once u have one u can trust it makes life easier.
U will find ones that work for u and them the light will appear at the end of the tunnel I promise. There is a bumpy road ahead but at least if u keep walking u will get there, ups and downs are part of the course so don't loose faith.
Xxx

[firsttimemum1404]

I have just come across this post. You are extremely brave to write honestly about how you are feeling, big hugs to you, I feel so much for you. Your post describes a lot of what I am going through at the moment in a way that I was too scared to say to anyone. I understand a lot of the feelings you are going through as I am going through them myself, and have only this weekend accepted that I need help. I, like you, look at my DS1 and feel so sorry for him. I feel he deserves his old mum back not this new moody, irritable mum. I have come on mn for help, advice and hope, and that's what I have got. Today I believe we can get through this, with help. Like u I need to ring my gp and start the journey to recovery. Pls do call ur GP. I wish u all the best x