I think I have PND

[dollysocks]

I have not been admitting to how terrible I feel for a while now, because I feel like admitting it makes me a failure.

But now my third baby a little boy is 13 weeks old, it is starting to engulf me.

My eldest daughter is 3. She is not adjusting very well to her new baby brother. She is well behaved with other people and she isn't mean towards him, but she has horrible tantrums and is difficult, most of the time, with me.

At the end of 2010 we moved home and then in 2011 I went back to work, but commuting into London from my new home for five days a week didn't work very well and so I stopped work and have been a full time mum since.

Early summer of 2011 whilst still at work I fell pregnant and then in the autumn when I was six months pregnant my second daughter died whilst I was carrying her and was still born early in November.

I have horrible fantasies. I think some of them are quite normal, like planning to run away whilst my husband is looking after the children. But some are so dark I can't write them down.

I get angry. I shout and slam things about. And this week I have shouted at my mum when she is around helping me with the children. And I don't mean snapping I mean really losing my temper.

I have been breastfeeding my son since he was born but I think stopping might help me. But the guilt I feel from having had a stillborn baby and feeling as though stopping would be failing my son is holding me back.

I am not sure whether the way I feel now has been brought on by the still birth of my second baby, the recent arrival of my son, or breastfeeding, which I found made me quite emotionally unstable with my first daughter, but I know that my mental state is not right.

I have made an appointment to see my GP, but it feels like such a long way off because it isn't until a week on Tuesday.

Oh poor you.

You have had a huge amount on your plate for a long while now and the needs of your DD and DS will be very demanding. The older child is often insecure when a new baby arrives. I found the stage you're at a nightmare - with the older one always acting up, exhaustion, the endless feeding....It seems to me like you've done really really well, especially to be breastfeeding.

IME almost everyone loses their rag at some time or other when they're at this stage, even without the added sadness and trauma of having a stillbirth.

If you phone your GP again on Monday and tell them you need to be seen sooner than Tuesday they'll make a new appointment for you. You don't have to justify your request to the receptionist - just say you strongly feel that you need to be seen sooner.

The 13week stage is probably the most difficult time - 3 months of sleep deprivation and your baby is still tiny.

Be as kind to yourself as possible and try not to worry. Give yourself kind words from yourself as each hour passes.

Thank you

How are things this evening?

Hi chocoluvva

I have just come back from the doctors. I did what you said, I rang this morning and said I wanted to see my doctor today.

She was really understanding and supportive. Now I have a prescription for an antidepressant I can take whilst breastfeeding and the name of a local clinical psychologist to arrange an appointment with. (I have private health cover which I think will cover this, but if it won't my husband has said we will find a way to pay for it.)

I also spoke to my husband last night and told him some of the horrible feelings and thoughts I have been having. He is going to look into taking some time off work, so that I am on my own with the children less.

I feel like things are going to get better.

Thank you for responding to my original message and for taking the time to check on me again. x

You're most welcome. Having a toddler and tiny baby is so difficult at the best of times!

You've done really well to identify your problem and deal with it (quickly too). I'm so glad your husband is being supportive.

Well done and good luck. Do anything else that will help. Be kind to yourself. This stage will pass....

Thank you, took first tablet this morning, feel a bit weird about having to take them but also know I have reached a point where nothing else is going to be enough. x

Hi dollysocks, reaching out is the most important step, esp in accepting that we are not perfect ! (and should never have to be) seems to me you have had so much change and trauma and no time to process it. You must still be in deep grief for your daughter, and then you have a little bub and demanding toddler on top of it, you are doing so well really to be there every day fr your kids.

I say to myself all the time baby steps one day at a time.. One hour at a time.. Woteva it takes.

Re bf, I can empathize with not wanting to give up bf.. Everyone put me under pressure to give up because they thought I wouldn't be so tired.. (I've just weaned 1yr old and I'm still effing tired!). Could you try both, some bf and some formula so your OH can take more responsibilty?

We did that from about 3mths, gave DS a bottle of formula at bedtime,and i expressed as well so OH could do some night feeds so I could get some rest. The formula helped him sleep a little bit longer too, but he. Was a reflux bub, so it helped being anti reflux formal too.

Anyway took the pressure off me and OH was happy to find a way to help the way they often need to do something (action) but often don't know how they can help. That way maybe you can get a bit more one on one time with ur 3yr old cos she sounds like she needs that security right now. It's very threatening for her to have this little baby taking over her mummy so the tantrums are understandable. Could you both take an evening bath together or doing something special together that's just our special time. Something relaxing for both of you as she needs the binding but u need to some time out too..

If bf isn't working just give it up it's not worth the stress if it's not right for it right now... You can even reintroduce bf later anyway itis possible apparently! But plenty of my friends bottle fed and they are at no disadvantage in many aspects.

Take care anyway you are doing an amazing job, hope the tablets get you on an even keel so you can cope with it all.