What a complete and utter mess I'm in.

[MahnaMahna]

On Friday I was diagnosed with PND. I apparantly scored 28 out of 30 on the HVs test for it :/

My DD is 9 months old and she is my world. However I have been trying to be the perfect Mum (whatever that is) for months and I have just worn myself into the ground. I've lost a tonne of weight and at 5'7 I now weigh just 46kg (7 stone 3). I clean and cook and look after my DD and walk the dog every day from 6am until 8pm when I sit down for dinner. I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough, I'm letting people down, I'm not a good enough Mum. I also returned to work 3 days a week at the start of Feb so have been getting up, doing all the chores, going to work, coming home and doing more chores. Then insomnia hit and I just got so tired.

I didn't even realise the mess I was in until my family and DH staged an intervention. I went to the Drs and was diagnosed with severe PND. He's given my Citalopram to take but I'm wary because I've had anti-depressants in the past that haven't agreed with me. Does anyone have any experience with these pills?

My HV has also referred me for counselling. This was yesterday morning, last night the mental health team phoned up and they are sending someone out within a week to assess me due to the fact I have a young daughter. Usually the waiting list for counselling in my area is at least 8 weeks. So now I'm panicking thinking that they think I'm completely mad or something. Yet the HV said that it was obvious that I adore DD and am a fit mother, I'm just trying too hard to be perfect at other things. I phoned the Dr before and he said it's very unusual for the mental health team to come out on a home visit unless they think that person is dangerous! Which I really am not and he agreed with me and told me to phone him as soon as they've been. I'm utterly terrified now!

I just needed to vent really. It's been a tough few days. All the adrenaline that's kept me going the past few months has vanished and I'm so exhausted I feel like I've got flu or something. :(

[MahnaMahna]

Just a little update. I managed to motivate myself to take DD to a play session this morning which she really enjoyed. I met two nice Mums there which was really good for me.

I've decided to take out a membership at my local gym because they have a creche where DD can mix with children whilst I do a yoga class. I'm also going to take her to a swim session just so I can mix a bit more.

The therapist forgot to turn up today, then phoned my 35 mins after she should've arrived to say she'd made a mistake and was I thinking of hurting myself in any way (which would make me an urgent case.) I said no, so she said I'd have to wait for a new appointment. Luckily she then phoned back later on and is now coming tomorrow morning.

I can't stop crying and I'm totally exhausted. I feel like I've got flu or something, my whole body is shattered. I'm not managing to switch off. My current worry is work. My Dr signed me off for a month which I wasn't going to take but my Mum refused to have DD for me if I went to work. Now I can see I really needed it because I think I've had a complete burn out. I've had one week off so far and I feel even worse than when this whole thing started. I can't see myself being ready to go back to work in three weeks, but yet I don't want to have more time off. I know I need to stop thinking about it but I'm not managing to.

[foslady]

That's great news that you went to the play session, and please do take out the gym membership - and make sure you go!!!!!!

The therapist obviously must have taken notice of your GP in so much as she was happy to rebook a later appointment, so see that as a positive, too.
I'm not too surprised that you feel worse, you're finally 'exhaling', so the stress and exhaustion will be coming to the fore. Like I said in an earlier post, remember to be a friend to yourself.

The best way to get yourself back to you is to stop worrying about everything else. I'm sure your work mates won't want you to return until you are ready, they'll be more concerned about your health, and good for your mum not to look after your dd so you can go back early!!!

When I start letting worries overtake everything, I ell myself I can have 10 mins at a specific allotted time to write down EVERYTHING that is concerning me and why, then when the 10 mins is up I MUST put it in a drawer until the next day. It's not easy initially, but keep reminding yourself every time your mind wanders and you can retrain your mind to stop your worries taking over your life.

Work may want to have a back to work chat to make sure that they are happy with you returning. It is NOT a bad thing - they will want to feel happy that you are totally happy to return WHEN he day comes.

But until then, concentrate on you. And working through PND. And being not just you again, but a stronger you.

Thank you so much for the update, I've been hoping for you