Single, history of depression, no family support

[sarahjane72]

This is my first post. I am 40, single, and about 9 weeks pregnant via donor insemination after 6 attempts and spending a total of 10K. I have a history of depression, no family nearby (parents are mid 70s and 80s and they and my sister live 250 miles away), anonymous donor means there is no father as such, although a recent ex who knew about the donor insem (and could potentially be the father) is still on the scene. He's been 'trapped' (his words) before and not interested in hanging around if I continue with the pregnancy, which I do find understandable in the circs.
When I discovered I was pregnant my first reaction was 'what was I thinking?' and 'how could I have been so stupid?'. I have felt none of the positive feelings I felt as I was undertaking this journey, despite thinking it through carefully. This contrast in 'before' and 'after' feelings has been really distressing. Now over the inital shock and overwhelm, I continue to feel I was totally irresponsible for thinking I could cope with a baby on my own without any support and I seriously fear for my future mental health, and the future of the child, if I continue. I have had counselling and booked and postponed a termination. This is probably my last chance to have a child of my own, but I am terrified that if I feel a sense of doom about the whole thing now, I will crumble if I have the baby and be unable to support myself financially, or be emotionally robust enough to mother effectively. Has anyone out there been in a similar position without family/partner/ex partner support and survived?!?

[Greenkit]

This baby is very much wanted and you dont need a man or woman for that matter to be around. Your feeling all scared because its all new and unknown, but im sure once the baby is born you will know it was the right thing.

Have a chat with your GP so they are aware and can act if you start to feel depression feeling coming on.

Get to the anti-natal meetings and make an effort to make friends, these people will help you through the hard times and you can laugh with them through the good times x

[sarahjane72]

Thanks for taking the time to respond Greenkit. Appreciated x

[ninah]

You can cope. I left ex when ds was 3 and dd was 6 months. We'd been estranged mostly since she was born and I had no further contact with him for a year. I was 39. I felt very scared and very alone. I fantasised about crashing my car, with all of us in it. I was prescribed Citalopram but when I woke up with three hours gone and my toddlers playing around me I realised I couldn't carry on taking it. I was living in my parents' house, in the arse end of nowhere. They had both died recently and though my sisters were local they were not supportive, because they were traumatised themselves. I had very little money and survived by doing boot sales with my parents' junk.
Seven years on I have a home, my dc are OK, I have retrained as a teacher, I have good friends.
Imo facing the fact you are on your own makes you strong - invincible. I survived. You can too.
Take one day at a time.
ante natal groups were crap for me btw, full of couples. I did meet people, but more randomly and slowly. There is a lot of time on your own, with a baby. I started to write, in the evenings. Having a purpose really helped. Still haven't published anyting, but I start an MA in September. HTH.