New baby feeling desperate

[sweetpea36]

I'm at home on day 2 with my new baby. Had a horrible birth experience, after planing a home water birth labour took 42 hours then had to be induced and have forceps and ended up with a really bad tear, loads of stitches. In hospital I had problems breastfeeding, I've managed a few feeds since getting home but not enough, so baby won't sleep as he's always hungry. Midwives in hospital were so horrible they kept coming and trying to force baby to feed, calling him lazy and a rat bag and then saying I would have to come back to hosp if I couldn't feed him at home.
I never want to go back to that hospital again it was awful.
I'm just in so much pain from the stitches and so exhausted, literally had about 4 hours sleep total since labour started 5 days ago. Even when baby does sleep I'm too on edge waiting for him to wake up again so I can't.
Sorry this is so long I just keep thinking this is only his 3rd day in the world and already I've failed him. He's so beautiful and has a mummy who can't cope, sleep or feed him. I can hardly see to write this I can't stop crying.

[cakeismysaviour]

Oh bless you. Most of what I was going to say has already been said, so I will just join the other posters on saying that most of us go through these feelings. You are not a bad mother! Its just a difficult time and a huge adjustment for you.

I felt like everything was going so badly at first. I remember at one point, posting tearfully on the antenatal thread that my baby hated me! The ladies on there very gently pointed out that he did not hate me, he was just getting frustrated because he could smell my milk.

[Aboutlastnight]

I remember those early days and even with number 3 I was a sobbing mess while trying to establish breastfeeding, reeling from CS.

Let your husband help. If he'll take baby for a walk then let him , feed baby first if it'll put your mind at rest. Think of it like you are giving your husband time to get to know his baby -and you get some rest. Magazines, chocolate crap daytime TV or West Wing box set (I can totally recommend this as a breastfeeding aid.

Congratulations

[Aboutlastnight]

And yes day 3 is the pits

[Longtalljosie]

Oh sweetie

Are you taking your painkillers? You mention how much pain you're in - you're not trying to be a hero and not take them are you? Because they're fine while breastfeeding and you really do need them...

[heymammy]

I remember feeling pretty wretched with ds when he was a few days old, weepy...in pain...struggling with latch. Are you taking painkillers? Don't let them wear off...I took paracetamol during the day every 3 hours (max 8 tablets) then ibuprofen through the night every 4 hours. Also have nipple cream and use it after every latch, even if baby doesn't suck much.

You will start to feel better, ds is 7 weeks today and I could hardly imagine this point 7 weeks ago.

[heymammy]

X post ltj

[Iggly]

I hope your day of skin to skin helped!

Best thing is to keep baby with you all the time. He can sleep on your chest while you rest. He'll be happier in your arms so use it as an excuse to rest as you have to hold baby.

I had a bad tear and lost a lot of blood after ds. It was hard but sitting down and resting up was the best thing for both of us.

I struggled to feed - I remember crying at midnight many a night trying to get him onto the boob. Best thing was to lie back, propped up with pillows and put him tummy down facing me, and get him to latch that way.

He would feed for hours and hours too. All normal!

[IsSpringSprangedYet]

sweetpea, hope today is going well for you! Perhaps as your milk comes in today or tomorrow, feeding might just click.

Just wanted to say as well, I agree with everything said already (especially funnyloves), and just to be kind to yourself. Having a baby, amazing as it is, is a huge change and hormones are everywhere and you feel like you have a hundred and one things to think of. But all you can do really is do as you're doing today. Just relaxing with your baby.

[Fishandjam]

sweetpea, I was where you are now approx 2.5 years ago. I just wanted to hold your hand and say it does get better. You've had a traumatic birth and will be in the middle of the "baby blues" (which to me is a frilly pretty name for a horrible, miserable feeling!)

Rest as much as you can - sod DH, he's a grownup, he can look after himself - but definitely get some professional help on the breastfeeding front. And I may be shot down in flames by other posters for saying this, but a bottle (especially if it's your own milk) is not the end of the world if it saves your sanity. My DS had a lot of bottles in the early days (he had to, for various reasons including an undiagnosed tongue tie) and we still manage to successfully BF.

Oh yes. YOU ARE NOT FAILING HIM. The very fact you're on here asking for advice shows you're a great mum :)

[sweetpea36]

I'm here again. He's still not latching on properly, I'm getting desperate. My milk has come in and boobs are hard and painful. He won't sleep unless me or hubby hold him close so we are trying to sleep in shifts...there were so many times today I could have got a couple of hours sleep but I just lay there wide awake. Twice I dropped off only to wake half an hour later after a horrible nightmare where I was given an injection and could feel myself dying and knew I would never see baby or hubby again, but was totally paralysed to tell them...woke up crying. Even if hubby takes him off me I can't get any sleep, I feel terrified I'll wake up and he will be gone or I will never wake up.
I cant go on like this...phoned my sister at 1am this morning, she said its just what it's like and it doesn't get any better months down the line and just to grit my teeth and bear it..but I cant. I just cant.
What can I do anyone please I just need a couple of hours sleep.

[brighthair]

I didn't want to read and run as I am awake
But just to say I am sure someone will be along to give you good advice soon, you are not alone, and it will get easier
Have you got a breast feeding group near you or could you give the support line a ring?

[peggyblackett]

Sweetpea, have you told you mw how you feel? It's really important that you do, she can't support you if you don't, and that's her job.

Call your community midwives in the morning and ask them to visit you today. Please tell them how you feel. They'll also help you with the feeding. If your ds needs a bottle of formula it doesn't mean the end of BF. I gave my dd2 a bottle at a similar stage as my nipples were shredded - having that short break actually helped me to heal and so saved breastfeeding for us. Even if it hadn't it would not have been the end of the world!

It is tough to start with, but it does get better. In the meantime please let your MW know how you feel. Give them a call first thing, there will be someone on call.

Can your dh give some EBM or formula to give you a break in the meantime?

[Iggly]

Oh dear I'm sorry it's hard. Yes it is tough really tough but it doea get better.

Practically speaking, getting baby to latch when your milk comes in can be hard. Try expressing a bit to reduce the boob first. Also get your DH to ring NCT and find someone to come round and help you. You need hands on help here.

Second of all, call your MW and tell her how you're feeling.

Where abouts are you?

[peggyblackett]

Sweetpea, have you phoned the mw? I hope you have :).

Iggly's point about expressing a little is good. In the first day or so of your milk coming in it can feel like you're trying to latch your baby onto a bowling ball.

Yes, and whereabouts are you?

[FelicityElectricity]

It does get better OP - promise
But sometimes you need a bit of help to get there. I needed help BFing dc2 it is not always as easy as we are led to believe and babies have to learn this new skill with us. Hope you get some good help. And look after yourself by just doing the minimum if you can - feed ds, sleep and eat! Good luck it DOES improve. The early days are just plain hard. Sending unmumsnetty hugs xx

[Lawabidingmama]

sweetpea hello I haven't read all the previous posts but just wanted to offer support it sounds like you've had a terrible birth experience which is probably being compounded by lack of sleep and difficulty feeding I really feel for you.

I had a long labour with my dd1 which ended in theatre and forceps they tried vontouse which slipped and scraped a big chunk off her head I felt guilty about her head for months and felt that I had somehow failed her with the birth it's absolutely ridiculous but that's how I felt I had to go back into hosp when she was about ten days and when there I asked them to discuss my birth I was told that dye to her position I wouldn't have been able to deliver unassisted this definately helped me to accept it wasn't my failing it really was just one of those things. I was fortunate that feeding went well and she was a settled baby. My labour with dd2 was totally different I delivered after only an hour in the hosp so quick and easy but she's been a bit tricky to feed even though I bf dd1 till she was 9 month I felt like giving up! She was constantly on and off and quite unsettled 10 weeks down the line things are much better feeding is great and she will even occasionally sleep without being held lol!

Your ds being unsettled is prob due to him getting used to his environment not hunger you are doing great by bf him and once your in the swing it will be so much better. I also panicked about dh going back to work this time especially as dd1 is only 2 but it's been fine the thought if it was worse were in a great routine now! I would def see if your hosp can offer a post natal listening service to discuss your birth and if you still feel traumatised consider counselling. Take all the help you get with feeding cause once you've got that sorted you will feel better I joined a support group for bf with dd1 which helped deal with any gliches. Just say mo to visiters it's your special time

Big hug enjoy your lovely ds

[washngo]

Call your midwife and she really should come round to give you some support. But I disagree with whoever told you it doesn't get better. It does. It is hard, you are not alone in feeling that it is really hard, but it will get better.

[littleweed10]

They say a week is a long time in politics, but with a newborn, so much can happen in a day. It does get better I promise.
Baby steps first - I was so knackered, everything seemed like a trauma - like the things health professionals say which jar with you.
But no much is current worry about everything being ok, and the extreme sleep deprivation you are feeling.
We found the baby would sleep in the car, so if I'd managed to feed him, we knew DH had an hour or two to drive to get him to sleep so I could have a snooze/ a bath/ go to the toilet by myself.
If you are worried about latch/ milk coming in/ feeding please please ask mw for help. They have a duty of care to you. They really won't want you back in hospital unless it's necessary (after all they are usually keen to turf women out too quickly IMO) but they will give you support.

Xx

[Avver]

Oh love! Sleep deprivation, day three hormones, pain from stitches, worries about feeding.. No wonder you're feeling like you've been run over by a truck. Completely normal and as others said, it DOES get better. Promise. You're doing marvellously.

I was in bits by the end of the first week but my DS is five weeks today and somehow, without me even noticing, we're all mended, happy and
even getting some kip.

When you get that MW round, please do get her to check for tongue tie. :)

[littleweed10]

so much current worry...

[LittlePoot]

Definitely does get better. These first days and weeks are just about getting through from feed to feed, nap to nap, and getting into your rhythm together. I was a total basketcase at the start and cried at everything. I was so convinced I was doing everything wrong and only six months later did I see that there is no right and wrong, you just muddle through. No one can do any different-its a massive learning curve and you'll gradually find your way, even though it definitely doesn't feel like that at the start. Btw, we also had feeding issues and did end up back in hospital but it turned out to be really helpful. A few days with professionals helping look after us both-I wanted to take the nurses home with me! It is definitely a marathon not a sprint so just hang on in there. The sleep will come back eventually - I had exactly the sort of sleeplessness you describe. First I got better at functioning on very little sleep and then gradually I started sleeping a bit more normally. Baby induced insomnia is very common-not just when they are crying. You're just on this constant hyper alert state and sleep so lightly waiting for the next wake up call. But it all gets better. Promise. xx

[Jnice]

sweetpea are you there? It really does get better, you do need some support though (MW/NCT etc). It's natural to have some anxiety but it should lift soon. If not please talk to your gp or MW.

Hope you're ok x

[NapaCab]

Just wanted to say that I've been there sweetpea, similar delivery and postnatal issues and issues with breastfeeding as well. It's hard when you've had a rough time in labour to tackle breastfeeding as well. I felt like I'd been in a car crash for the first week or so after the birth and really didn't cope well with the pressure put on me to breastfeed when it wasn't working out.

Others have given good advice on breastfeeding so I just wanted to say don't forget it's so important to prioritize your own recovery after the birth as well. It doesn't matter how you feed your baby if you're not well yourself.

I was so scared of the stitches tearing or getting infected but it was fine in the end. I just sat into a bath of lukewarm water with a capful of Savlon twice daily, used a hairdryer on cool to dry off and within a couple of weeks I was feeling so much better. You do heal but it takes time.

For sleep, when I got desperate I put DS in a sling, rocked him to sleep and then fell asleep myself with him on me in bed. The sling really helped set my mind at rest about him rolling off me or me rolling onto him in the night. It gives you an hour or two anyway. And don't mind your sister - it DOES get better, most definitely. By three months I was absolutely back to normal and DS was sleeping 6 hours at a stretch.