New baby feeling desperate

[sweetpea36]

I'm at home on day 2 with my new baby. Had a horrible birth experience, after planing a home water birth labour took 42 hours then had to be induced and have forceps and ended up with a really bad tear, loads of stitches. In hospital I had problems breastfeeding, I've managed a few feeds since getting home but not enough, so baby won't sleep as he's always hungry. Midwives in hospital were so horrible they kept coming and trying to force baby to feed, calling him lazy and a rat bag and then saying I would have to come back to hosp if I couldn't feed him at home.
I never want to go back to that hospital again it was awful.
I'm just in so much pain from the stitches and so exhausted, literally had about 4 hours sleep total since labour started 5 days ago. Even when baby does sleep I'm too on edge waiting for him to wake up again so I can't.
Sorry this is so long I just keep thinking this is only his 3rd day in the world and already I've failed him. He's so beautiful and has a mummy who can't cope, sleep or feed him. I can hardly see to write this I can't stop crying.

Ah, sweetpea, it sounds like you've had an awful time. Do you have anyone with you?

Go to bed with DS near you and just stay there. You are recovering, so if you have a DP, get him to do everything else. Don't try to sleep, just close your eyes and rest.

I found BF really hard and your milk may not have even come in yet. Can you see a lactation consultant? Mine saved BFing for me.

You have not failed your DS. He won't remember this! Motherhood is a marathon not a sprint.

And congratulations! I'm sure someone else will be along with better advice in a mo, just didn't want you to go unanswered.

Hi sweetpea, congratulations on your new DS, he sounds lovely

First of the midwives you were exposed to sound like they were very insensitive. You should try to put their comments to one side, you know your beautiful new baby is neither of these things. He's a new baby and like you is learning how to feed, it takes time, for both of you.

Is this your first baby? The reason I ask is that when I BF my daughter, I had no idea how bloody hard it would be, I thought I'd be mother earth & it'd all be so natural.

Are you seeing a midwife or HV at home? If so approach them first about feeding, different positions etc. It's probably also worth asking them if they know of any local breast feeding support group numbers they can give you. If they can't maybe ask DP or a relative/friend to do a bit of research for you to get a couple of numbers so you can maybe chat to someone if you're struggling.

Most importantly you are not failing! You are a new mum with new baby, raging hormones & have just had a traumatic birth, cut yourself some slack. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help, how you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Best of luck with everything & enjoy your new baby cuddles.

Thanks so much. my husband is really trying to help, he took baby at 3 am and told me to just sleep but I just lay there thinking how I should be feeding the baby and was totally unable to sleep so in the end I told him to go back to bed so he can be rested to help tomorrow, by which I mean today. The last straw was when I got up and down with baby so many times I thought I felt something tear where the stitches are oand ended up with both me and the baby in hysterical crying fit together.
I already feel hysterical at the thought of having to cope on my own when hb goes back to work in a week and all the people coming to visit and see the baby. I keep having flashbacks to being stitched up, sorry if that's a bit graphic. I know people do this every day so what's wrong with me...

Op I felt exactly like you. Could not stop crying, could not stop thinking about horrible birth experience. I know that people say this and it sounds so trite but it WILL get better. I was just like you, couldn't sleep, couldn't enjoy my lovely baby. But it is such early days. You are bound to feel in shock and unbelievably exhausted. It's ok, that's a perfectly normal reaction to what you've been through. I too had birth flashbacks, particularly in the evenings. But they too faded away given time. For me things actually improved when dh went back to work; I realised it was going to be ok, I would manage even if he wasn't there to help me, and all the worrying wasn't necessary any more. Please do not think you are alone in feeling this way, and please believe me when I say things will get easier bit by bit.

I can totally sympathise with how you are feeling. My dd2 is 9 days old and even though I bf dd1 it has still been hard this time. I have had nights when I can't stop crying and baby getting hysterical to feed. You are not alone
Can you ask a midwife visiting you at home about the feeding? You and baby are still learning how to do it. You could try lots of skin to skin contact. I haven't really got the hang of hand expressing but if you can squeeze out a bit of colostrum/milk and touch it to baby's lips it helps sometimes.
Night times are the worst and I do dread it when evening comes around but keep trying to rest/sleep when you can. It will get better but the first weeks are hard. You are a good mum and you won't fail your baby whatever happens.

He is my first I went to nct and NHs ante natal classes, what I can't understand is they make it all sound so simple, tell you all this stuff about when to feed, feeding on demand etc but no one ever even mentions the possibility that you just can't breast feed the baby and what to do. Its the feeding thing that's really getting to me, I wouldnt mind waking up however many times a night if it was actually achieving anything but it's not he is just getting more hungry and tired. I really want to go out today and get bottles and formula even though I always just assumed I'd breastfeed.

Also scared to say anything to the midwife in case she sends me back to hospital with him or marks me down as unable to feed or something. They were saying we'd have to bring him back if he lost too much weight so now I'm panicking.

Its only day three/four. You just gave birth. You did an amazing thing, even if it wasnt the way you had pictured. Your stitches will be sore for a while yet, and feeding is hard to establish sometimes, but you will get it, especially if you can get some help with it.

Your midwives sound horrible. I had similar comments about ds1 when he wouldnt feed (although not the rat bag one - thats really horrible), and they kept trying to force him onto my breast. We (ds1 and I) eventually got it in the middle of the night on about day three/four, after two days of exoressing colostrum and feeding him it with a syringe cause the midwives werent happy about his feeding. We got it one night when I tood up to feed- he just latched on finally - might have been the fact we were trying different positions, might have been that we were on our own so a little more relaxed.

Have you a friend who has breastfed? If not, give la leche or someone like that a phone.

Lack of sleep is horrendous - I hallucinated in the first few weeks of ds1, but as others say, it gets slowly better. Dont worry about next week yet - just take it a day at a time. Good films that you love, the sofa, chocolate and fruit smoothies - and just try to relax and cuddle with your beautiful boy.

Have you been shown the whole nose to nipple thing, and waiting for him to open his mouth wide, then sort of slide him on, chin first?

Also, sucking helps your milk to come in, so if he is not doing a lot of sucking, maybe try hand expressing a bit to help it along, although it will come in anyway. If nobody has shown you how to hand express, you squeeze a bit back from the nipple - not right at the tip.

They were horrible, not all of them but even the nice ones kept saying different things so I ended up totally confused. Going to ring local nct feeding lady today. Helps to get it all out and know im not alone..

Has your milk come in yet sweet pea? there is a good chance that it hasn't yet, and that's okand normal. Keep putting him to the breast every hour or so and that will encourage your milk to come in.

Your priority in these early days are you and the baby. You look after ds and your dp looks after you. Give ds to your dp so that you can sleep, it really is important that you get some sleep.

Also please please please a bf'ing helpline (the NCT have a great one), you will have a chance to talk to an expert who can help you. Also have you spoken to anyone about the birth? Even if you just talk to your dp it will help, you have to be able to process what happened and why.

Take are and please get rl help, there is no need to struggle on, honestly there isn't. People are there to help, it is their job. Use them

Yes the whole nose to nipple thing but it doesnt work, he does it all just like the books say opens his mouth but then wont latch on and goes all sleepy, then screams the minute he's put back down its so frustrating!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations on your new baby!

Agree with everyone that the first few days/ weeks with your first baby are hell on earth.

BF is new for you and baby and will take time for you both to learn how to do it.

Get to bed with baby - both of you nekkid - for some skin to skin. Try feeding lying down, side by side with baby, tis a nice relaxed position. I used a sling and co slept as baby seemed happier that way and there were far fewer tears (his and mine!).

Get baby checked for tongue tie, ds1 had this and really struggled to latch or stay on for more than a few seconds.

xxxxx

I remember the frustration thing really well sweetpea - but he doesnt need lots of food int he first few days, so just keep trying, and try to relax if at all possible (I know its hard).

I found feeding lying down great, but not in the first few weeks till he had more head control, but if you lie on the sofa and stick on an old favourite film, then have him lying naked (plus nappy!) on you for some skin to skin, with his head near your nipple, he might just hunt around for it himself. Ds3 did that with me a bit, and it worked a little to at least get a baisc latch, which we then turned into a proper latch once he had got the rough idea.

Some good advice re going getting breastfeeding advice. Have you been to breastfeeding drop in clinic?if not give that a try, also gives you a chance to see that there are other people in a similar situation to you! Also totally agree with conker - do something relaxing, watch a good film, eat some nice food, don't pressurise yourself. Try as many different bfing positions as you can manage. A breastfeeding cushion may help to make you both more comfortable. Hand expressing also a good idea, get someone to show you how to do it as I couldn't work it out at first! Remember you are worrying about all this because you care and want to do well by your ds. Worrying doesn't mean you are failing, not at all. But it's no fun for you to feel this way, so try a few of the suggestions people have made and see if any of them help.

Please talk to your midwife - you can tell her that you're afraid she'll send you back, and I would really hope she'd talk to you about feeding and your babies weight. If it does become necessary for you to go back into hospital, that should be a joint decision between you and your midwife and only done for the good of your tiny baby.

Your milk probably hasn't come in yet, though it will over the next few days. In my experience, that makes feeding much easier because the baby starts swallowing more (because there is more to swallow) and that helps them stay latched on. The best way to encourage your milk is to be close as close with your baby, preferably skin to skin if your house can be made warm enough for that to be comfortable.

A good way to encourage feeding is to lie on your bed propped up a bit on pillows. Put baby (in just a nappy) on your bare tummy and cradled by your hands and let him sleep and snuggle there. When he gets hungry, he'll probably wiggle up your body to find your boob - I didn't believe that could happen, but my DS did it! It took him a few minutes (and it hard to resist 'helping' him), but he got there and latched on. Then of course, he fell asleep and fell off the boob again, but the goal of stimulating both you and him will have been reached :)

Try not to panic that baby is hungry all the time. Babies (especially new ones) cry for all sorts of reasons, mostly because they just don't want you to put them down (and evolution has made it virtually impossible for a new mother to ignore a newborn's howls). He just want you, your warmth, your skin, you smell, your taste. If you can warm up your bedroom, go to bed with comfortable pj's or a naked top half, tuck the duvet around your hips and lie with your baby next to you. You might or might not manage sleep, but it's so much calmer there in your bed than anywhere else, so it'll be peaceful for you both and will let you snuggle in peace. If you're worried about baby falling off or you rolling onto him, tell your DP that he has to sit in the bedroom too (with book/laptop/all the black socks that need pairing?!) to keep an eye on you both if you dose off. Nothing else matters - make time stand still for a few days.

If you're in North Cambridgeshire I can recommend a great Breastfeeding group run by the worlds best breastfeeding- friendly midwife, and a breastfeeding peer support network of lovely supportive mums too. Your area will almost certainly have these things too - ask your midwife for the name and number of the hospital's Infant Feeding Coordinator and she should be able to get you the details of these types of support.

Lastly - and sorry for the essay - go easy on yourself. You've just been through a serious physical ordeal, you've had no sleep for days, and you're adjusting to being a mum. None of those things are easy, and unfortunately they all come at once . Talk to your midwife, ask for support, lean on DP and try to stay in bed!

Take care of yourself ^

You poor love, I sympathise and emphasise with everything you've said. The v long labour is familiar and that feeling of wired exhaustion. And that horrid feeling of 'it's wasn't meant to be like this' .... But you've been fantastically clever to give birth to your beautiful baby and in recovery, remember if it was exhausting for you, it's probably been just the same for your baby.

I agree with the utopian ante natal classes which lull you into thinking it will be a doddle, baby will feed like a natural and bobs your uncle. In reality your milk usually takes three days to come in, your baby is either v dopey or screaming as your milk is still coming through, in the meanwhile a sleep deprived panicky feeling this is not how it's meant to be....as well as feeling utterly battered and bruised

Agree with kiwi, you are in recovery- remember not so long ago woman would have been in a nursing home resting for a week or two.
Think simple - rest, baby close, with you or dp if you sometimes bear it, good food, water, rest, help from nearest and dearest.
Maintain lots of skin to skin contact with baby, he will smell you, have the touch of your skin and be able to try to suckle when he fancies.
This also encourages the milk to come in. My son went from 3 days of dopeyness to suddenly feeding for hour upon hour.
Speak to your visiting midwife and, if no joy there, get on the phone to NCT who have a hotline and trained local breastfeeding counsellors.
You are knackered, you are looking after your new no.1, but make sure you are dp are looked after too. Good food- we spent a small fortune on m and s meals when DS was tiny but it was a godsend actually. And drink lots of water. It's easy to ditch these things when all your focus and concern is baby.
Your poor lady bits- again you're focusing on baby, but don't neglect yourself.it sounds like you've been through a v tough as well as long labour. Make sure you ask midwife to examine you today - phone to ask them to come if you're not sure when their visit is and check all is ok, and what care tips to make sure your bits are nurtured to good health again too !
Nb I had a big plastic jug of water I used to gently pour down below whilst weeing, and then gently air dried or pressed dry with a pad of tissue.
Remember, The midwives have a duty for your care and your baby, I think for 28 days after the birth. They only discharge when they are happy with you and your babys health - this would includes things like Feeding and your recovery. MDon't be shy for you or dp to call for help or advice or a medical check- its your right. Fingers crossed for a better day xxx

Congratulations on your new baby! I just wanted to say that in addition to a traumatic birth, horrible midwives and some feeding trouble you also just hit day 3 which is just the pits. The hormone changes in your body are playing complete havoc. Baby blues on top of everything

It's just horrible it really is. But normal to be very weepy and anxious. Be kind to yourself ((hugs)).

Thankyou so much everyone, I've decided im just going to spend today in bed with the baby, do lots of skin to skin, express some milk regularly to a feeding cup for him and not even try to pressurise him to feed properly.
Xxxx

Sounds fab. Good plan xx
Remember to look after yourself too tho

Good plan - hope you have a lovely relaxing day with lots of naps .

It has always helped me to have a plan and give it a try, hope today is a good day for you.

Good idea. You are doing brilliantly.

Hope you're OK sweet.

All this stuff really angers me actually. The pressure that women have to achieve a 'perfect' birth which leaves them feeling as though they have failed when it doesn't quite go to plan. DS1's birth was very much like your babies and I suspect that it is far more 'normal' than the one we are led to expect.

Breast feeding if the same. So much pressure to do it against all odds. Formula is fine too, the baby just needs feeding one way or another.

Hope you have a better day today and can start to enjoy your baby