Not coping...

[likelucklove]

I posted in chat on Sunday about bursting into tears in Harvester.

I know that things haven't been right for a long time, since I was 25 weeks pregnant and admitted to hospital for bleeding. I lost interest in my degree, and as a result I am failing and am having to appeal so I can go back next year.

I thought it was normal when pregnant to cry every day, feel hopeless, and want it all to end. I thought it was just hormones. But I know now it's not. I just didn't tell anyone, not even my doctor when she sent me for counselling at 33 weeks pregnant due to breastfeeding issues I knew I was going to have (previous sexual assault).

Ever since my DD was born, I've felt the fog even more that I've actively known something is not right. I want to love her, but my depression is stopping me. And I've been irrationally angry at my DP all the time. And crying with her, since that's all she seems to do. I just think I'm not coping like a mother should. Babies cry, they don't sleep, and they want to be close all the time. But I can't put her down. And everyone works so I'm doing it all on my own.

Anyway, it's been a rough pregnancy (not a bad one but not a good one), we moved when I was 23 weeks pregnant, and we are moving again today. I'm trying (and failing) to do a degree, held down a full time job until 36 weeks, worry about money all the time, and my great-nan died 2 weeks ago. Too much has happened.

Sunday was the breaking point and I knew that I wasn't right. I went to see the same doctor on Monday and just burst into tears before saying anything. I'm on ADs (fluoxetine) and am less angry all the time. I also did the Edinburgh Test, and scored a 25. I was doing OK until yesterday, when I was on my own with DD for 17 hours because DP was moving things, and I just cried for 2 hours until he came home.

He doesn't know what to say, and I don't want to tell anyone else in RL. I just needed to put my thoughts down and I don't want to burden DP with them.

Is there anything else I can do? I can't exercise, I'm not healing good (2nd degree) but want to because I want to get rid of the baby weight and hopefully the blues will go too.

I just want to feel better, I don't know how I can carry on if I don't.

How old is your DD? And how long have you been on the fluoxetine? It takes about 4-6 weeks to fully work but you should be seeing a difference within 2-4 weeks. If not get your GP to change dosage or possibly drugs; you may get on better with citalopram or sertraline.

All of these things are completely normal, depression or not. You are not alone; I think most mothers have felt like you especially during very stressful times - grieving, moving house etc! You do not have to do the wonder woman act, it's OK not to be OK.

She's only 5 weeks.

I've only been on the fluoxetine since Monday but am going to take St John's Wort, I forgot I used to take it when I had depression when I was younger.

Thank you, I just feel I have to hide otherwise people will start trying to wrap me in cotton wool.

Thank you for replying, I don't feel so lonely.

Don't take St John's Wort along with any other medication without checking with your doctor first. It interacts with some meds.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

I'm sorry you have had a hard time. I know just how you feel right now.

Be kind to yourself - think about what you can let go, ask for help with or delegate to others. E.g. could you ask someone to take your baby whilst you have a long bath or go for a brisk walk yourself?

Do you really need to appeal your degree at the moment?

I truly think plenty of fresh air and forcing yourself to do something every day will improve your mood. Think of your day in sections and plan to do one simple thing in each one. E.g. walking to postbox and posting a letter. Achieving small goals really helps.

Music also really helped me when I experienced the same feelings - a good blast of something lively each morning became a routine and sortof woke me up for the day when I did not even want to move. Sleeping in is the worst

Try not to analyse your feelings too much - you will be overthinking everything at the moment anyway as part of feeling unwell. Just feel how you feel - take baby steps and ask for all the help you need. Take care - this time will pass xxx

Oh, you poor thing. Don't be too hard on yourself - you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Frankly, a 5 week baby is enough for most people, so with your degree and moving too, I'm not surprised you're feeling very low.

Go back to your GP and check your meds are ok, Get yourself out for a walk - however long or fast you want to make it (injuries permitting). Try and just get small jobs done -one a day.

Lastly, do you have a Homestart in your area? Contact them if you can; they'll send round someone to see if you can have a weekly volunteer. They will listen, comfort you and take the baby while you run yourself a nice long bath.

You poor thing, sounds like you are having a rough time. I know it's hard but if you could confide in someone in RL it might really help. Depression in its various forms is so common, you probably know people who have been affected but might not necessarily have told you about it. Do you have a nice HV - they can be very helpful and might be able to advise on local support groups etc.

Five weeks is tough, especially if your baby hasn't started smiling yet! Hang on in there, hopefully you will feel more bonded soon but it can take a while. Don't compare yourself to other mums, you are both on your own very special journey which is unique to you. Even if it seems like your baby is crying all the time, she loves you and will find comfort from being with you.

Have you been able to go for walks? Pram pushing and baby carrying are good for building up your strength gently and the fresh air might lift your mood a bit and maybe soothe your baby.

If you're in pain make sure you keep on top of your painkillers.

Keep talking to your GP and let your DH do as much as he can to look after you. Keep posting here too, there are lots of experts on MN who want to help. Good luck and huge congratulations on your DD. I hope things get easier soon.

My goodness 5 weeks and moving house? You ARE wonder woman!

Agree with PP about checking with St johns wort especially if you are intending on any form of hormonal contraception. I know the baby is the best form of contraception ever but your body may have other ideas.

Get out of the house every day. Buy milk in pint bottles so you run out often & are forced to buy more, write people letters, go to the HV clinic, anything that gets you out & about. Track down your local childrens centre too. They are brilliant for baby groups!

Sorry you are having such a rough time. I have a history of depression & it really kicked in after my son was born. I would just go to bed crying, feel like I was the worst mother in the world, several times I felt suicidal. But I went to the doctor & got anti-depressants, was also referred to a CPN, & got an early years visitor from my local children's centre. Luckily after a few months I came out the other side. I am currently pregnant again & an terrified the same will happen again but am trying to get support networks in place now for when the baby arrives.

I hope you get all the support & help you need & get through this difficult time z

That z was meant to be an x btw