please help

[tiredmummy33]

Am a newbie but really need advice. I have a four year old DD who was born two months early and I have a five month old DS who was born at term. I had a c section with my first and with my second I laboured but baby was stuck and I had an emergency c section which I was totally gutted about. I was fully dilated and pushing and it all felt like a waste of time. I started bf but gave baby a bottle after a few days cos I was knackered and nipples were bleeding. I carried on trying for weeks but it was a lost cause.
Problem is I think I'm depressed, I am distraught about not bf, get really upset if I see someone else doing it yet am obsessed with reading about it. Am also gutted about crappy birth, feel like such a failure, and its making me relieve all the crapness around my eldests birth and time in SCBU. I have had some very low, dark thoughts, I've been to GP but they weren't much help. Thank you for reading this far!.

Sorry for abrupt ending to post am on phone and can't see where to edit.

Oh honey-you poor love. Whether or not you are actually depressed, I think you do need some support from your health service. I'm sorry your gp was no help. Do you think another gp at the practice would maybe be able to help more? Or your health visitor-they should still be keeping an eye out for you. I do think you should try again for some medical support. I can't really help with the breastfeeding guilt because I'm not much better myself. I tried and thought all was well because he latched and didn't cause me pain, but then he kept on and on losing weight and so I had to top up with formula then one thing led to another and I crashed and ended up horribly depressed and taking medication which doesn't go with breastfeeding and giving up by 6 weeks. He's just turned one and I still feel bad, even though I can see he's perfectly healthy and know rationally that it doesn't actually make any difference how he was fed. But the birth stuff was even less under your control and I think you need to find a way to come to terms with what had to happen. Is there a "birth afterthoughts" service at your hospital? If so, it gives you a chance to talk through what happened and I think go through the medical notes with a midwife (or similar) to try and help you understand why things went as they did. I think it might be a really good starting point for you. You definitely sound as though talking to people could help you. Do try and get some more support from your surgery/hv. You have two beautiful children and nobody would ever think you've failed at bringing them into the world and getting them this far....except for you. And we are always our worst enemies with self criticism. Please go easy on yourself and try and get back to the Dr or hv next week. x

Thank you :) I had a birth debrief which really helped but now doesn't seem much comfort, I also had a really nice health visitor come out but I just played down I was feeling. I have been referred for counselling but have to fill in weekly questionnaires for five weeks first. The doctor didn't want to give my antidepressants. I just don't know what to do about the bf,I am so irrationally upset about it.

Go back to the doctor/any doctor and keep going until someone listens. There's no reason why they shouldn't be helping you more, even a low dose of anti-ds can make all the difference and they should be fighting to keep you well.
As for BF, I don't know how long ago you stopped/if you're expressing etc but there are BF specialists out there than can help. Until viscious mastitis that hospitalised me for 4 days I felt as you do...and still do sometimes, but I cannot risk at all being that ill again. You could try contacting the breastfeeding network here and see if there's anyone they can refer you to to a local BF specialist, as the bleeding usually indicates latch issues.