I don't think I deserve any replies about this, I'm just writing it down to get everything straight in my head.
I had the baby by EMCS on the 3rd of January. This was after spending almost a week in hospital with pre eclampsia, and a failed induction. The baby wasn't breathing when he was born and had to be revived. I couldn't hold him as I lost a lot of blood and had to be patched back together. The first night was horrendous, dumped on the ward unable to feel my legs with a screaming baby that I couldn't placate, having not slept for 26 hours beforehand. DP was sent home as soon as I was put on the ward.
We were sent home two days later, and from that point it's felt like I'm stuck in a very dark hole. Tried to BF but the baby couldn't latch so screamed constantly, when he did latch it was agonising for me. He would stop screaming for 10 minutes then want feeding again so after six days I switched to FF and felt, once again, like a complete failure.
I feel like I'm already rattling with medication. I have to take Labetalol (of which one of the side effects is depression) for six weeks before the doctor will even consider reviewing it, and even if my blood pressure has improved, I'll need to be gradually weaned off it. I also have to take iron, painkillers and injections to prevent blood clots. I don't think I can stand taking any more pills.
Since then it feels like things have got progressively worse. Although he was planned and I adored my pregnancy, I do not love this baby. I don't even like him. Which I don't understand because he's, generally speaking, a good baby. He doesn't cry much, isn't colicky, sleeps between feeds. But I don't want to hold him unless I absolutely have to, I feel worn down and resentful with every bottle and nappy change to the point that I now haven't touched him, have barely looked at him in fact, for nearly 24 hours and have left everything to DP since I walked out of the house at 5.30 last night. I didn't know where I was going, I just knew I needed to be away from the baby.
I'm scared I'm going to hurt him. Yesterday I had to stop myself from ramming his dummy into his mouth when he was crying. He's a fucking three week old baby, how the fuck could any normal person even think about doing that, let alone to their own child?
The only solution I can see is that I leave and find myself alternative accomodation, or move back in with my mam and leave DP and the baby to it. Frankly, it would be better for all of them than having me around. I do not want to look after this baby. Much less on my own all day Monday to Friday whilst DP gets a break from it all at work. Occasionally everything feels okay, sometimes this lasts for a day or two, more often it only lasts a few hours but most commonly it lasts a couple of minutes before I'm crying and shaking again. DP goes back to work tomorrow and honestly I just want to swallow every tablet in the cupboard at the very thought.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
I think I could be the worst mother in the world
DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 23/01/2012 11:50
So glad you are getting support OP.
The message we need to get out there is that so many of these awful situations are preventable. I feel like crying when I hear of yet another failed induction , emergency CS story (followed by no PN support for the following trauma)
The vast majority of these inductions are entirely unnecessary, are not evidence based or medically indicated. They are the result of defensive practice and cause untold damage to so many women.
If any of us can do just one thing it would be to tell childbearing friends everywhere to really question accepting OFFERS of induction purely on protocol - find the evidence because you won't be handed it 
Good luck OP - you will be a wonderful mum with the support you deserve x
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