Is this just standard or do I ned to talk to someone?

[MakesCakesWhenStressed]

Had hoped for a natural birth, did hypno course, booked in at the midwife unit but then everything went wrong, my waters broke before cx could get established, spent 12 hours on syntocinon and only dilated to 2cm before I had to ask for pain relief, then hoped I could still deliver naturally on the epidural, but couldn't get past 8cm w/o more syntocinon which was distressing baby. En ded up with emcs and then the day we were due to be discharged we were just about to go when I thought baby was a bit hot and got them to check his temp and then they rushed him down to scbu and we were in hospital until today. A eek after my waters first went.

I feel so distressef. I know hormonal blues are due at this point, but I feel like i'm grieving for the birth I wanted and all the future ones which will never be what I hoped. I feel so biter about the women on my ante natal thread who managed the birth they wanted and the fact that because of the cs my baby got sick, do we had to supplement with formula and i'm in pain and can't do anything that I had planed on doing and i'm just crying and crying.

Is this just normal? will it go away? I don't want to feel like this

Cakes :( I remember your thread from the other day.

Speak to the MW or HV when they next come to see you - they can point you in the right direction to speak to someone. Request a debrief, and your notes when you feel ready, so that you can piece together what happened and why. None of it is your fault though.

It's not a surprise that you feel this way, please be gentle on yourself my love.

Are you EBF now or are you still supplementing with formula? If you're supplementing it might help you to speak to a proper BF counsellor (the advice and help from MWs isn't always that great as they don't necessarily have the time or the right information) if you feel that EBF would be something you'd like to do.

You are grieving for the birth you hoped for - we all know that it's never guaranteed that we'll get the birth we would like and we can all do our best to mentally prepare for that, but it's still bloody hard to come to terms with the fact that sometimes we need more help than we'd bargained for. Things didn't go 'wrong' (channelling Mary Cronk here!), but your DS needed help, and to help him, you needed help. That's all. Help, not going wrong. If it was anything else you needed help with then it wouldn't be a problem, but because it's birth we see needing help as a bad thing - and for all my posts about intervention being a choice, choosing to have it is sometimes the absolute best thing we can do for ourselves and our babies.

And realise that even in the hospital, it was you who noticed that something wasn't quite OK with your lovely DS - it was you who noticed his temperature, for all of the lovely medical staff who were there. You're his mum and you know him better than anyone, and it is because of you spotting he was too hot that he was able to get the care he needed to keep him well.

Even though you've had a CS this time, that's not actually something that bars you from planning a homebirth in the future, HVBACs are possible - so please don't think you're going to have to have any future babies via a CS or even in hospital. That's not something to think about now though, that's for later.

You have done something amazing. You made, grew, and carried that little boy. He came from your body after you'd done everything you possibly could to do it all by yourself, and now your body is still helping to nourish him despite everything that it's been through. You're fabulous.

Thank you so much. MW coming tomorrow. Will just be honest with her. DH seems scared that if it's pnd or something then they might, I dunno, take him off me or something.

Oh. Dh just saw my post and apologised for saying that. He was seriously wrung out and just admitted he was blowing things out of proportion.

I can't type much as I'm bfing, but please please please read this recent thread. You are not alone. Nobody but nobody will take your beautiful little baby from you. I've been there. Planned and attempted homebirth turned emcs. Twice. The guilt, bitterness, anger etc, is normal for birth trauma but it is NOT something you have to put up with.

Well done. Really well done. You made that beautiful baby and it's going to be brilliant. You just need a little help right now.

Still supplementing with formula and expressing. Find it all a bit confusing tbh and hope we can move to ebf soon.

Hearing that my failure to make milk head dehydrated my baby to the point where he was ill and needed supplementing really aggravated my grief at the whole process. I feel like my body let me down and I let him down. I enjoyed my pregnancy so much, after 8 years of chronic illness I finally felt it was working as it ought and now this. It's like there's something to hurt me each way I turn.

Stick with the BF, and even if it doesn't work out then remember that it doesn't work out for mothers who have a homebirth without help. Definitely talk to the MW - they won't take your lovely baby away from you for PND but you will be able to access help that means you can come to terms with the birth and allow yourself to enjoy being a mum. It must be hard on your DH too, having seen you go through all of that and to spend a week without the two most important people in his life, but really you should get the help you need as soon as possible without fear

If you think you might find it hard to tell the MW tomorrow then write it down, or show her your OP. They don't just come over to weigh the baby and check your blood loss - your emotional health is really, really important too x

They sent out the mw who did all my ante natal care. She let me talk it all through and cry and made an appt to see me tomorrow.

Bf is going better. Milk is def in, although LO still seems to need significant top ups despite feeding almost solidly for over an hour. I know he was getting nil, because my boob was lumpy and hot and solid before he tucked in and nice and soft afterwards but he still needed formula - am totally making this up as I go...

Am trying to maintain sense of humour, but it's hard. Tummy is very sore today :-(

Am glad the BF is going better and you're seeing MW again tomorrow?

Have you been on the BF board for advice?

Had a really cathartic talk with dh last night. Sometimes I can see flashes of light a2 the end of this and every time I hold my little boy it makes me feel better. I'm self prescribing lots of cuddles :-)

Thank you for your support fliss, it really has made a difference xxx

I had a v traumatic birth experience with DS but BFing worked out & I was so into him that it got me through, so do keep on with the BFing if you can - when it's working it's a lovely experience not to mention the health benefits for both of you.

Being extremely tired can have similar effects to having PND so when things are more on an even keel really make the effort to get as much rest as you can - I didn't really go out for the first 6 weeks & it took me about 3mths to feel even remotely physically well so don't underestimate your recovery time, esp if you know other mums who seem to be out for coffee, lunch, shopping trips etc when you'd be better off snuggling at home! & keep an eye on your physical recovery - if you feel something's not right do get it checked, don't neglect anything cos it seems too difficult to get to the drs.

If you need more counselling there will plenty of time for that later unless you really cannot go on at the moment. There is a lot going on at the moment & your perceptions/recollections may well change, esp if there are thoughts of another baby in the future!, so one briefing session might not be enough, but it doesn't matter when you seek help, there are good resources out there.

Think nothing of it Cakes. If anything I can say helps even a tiny bit or just helps you not feel worse then I'm glad.

I really struggled to come to terms with DD's birth (like you, planned homebirth that ended up as a very heavily medicalised hospital birth), and even though I posted on here a lot about the practical medical things that happened (and still do, too much really) I never posted much about how I actually felt and I wish to God that I had, and that I'd taken up the massive hint the HV gave about there being a debriefing available if I wanted it (which I brushed off and pretended I didn't need) and that I'd just let someone KNOW how I felt.

I'm in awe of the strength it must have taken for you to stand up and say 'actually, I don't feel OK about how this went and I'm finding it hard now' because I never found the strength to say it because I didn't want everyone to say 'I told you so' and it bloody ruined the early months of my time with DD, if things go tits up this time I shall take your lead, and damn well speak up if I need some support :)

Self-prescription of cuddles is the best medicine of all though, probably followed by copious doses of cake and/or biscuits at regular intervals throughout the day. How have things gone today?

He's getting colic - or something else that makes him scream and scream all afternoon. It's starting to feel like one thing after another - where did the sweet natured placid baby of last week go and when do i get to start enjoying motherhood abd why isn't any of this going right or coming naturally? I feel like such a failure and I hate watching him in pain :(

Just wanted to say that what you're going through is completely understandable and you sound like you are doing a fantastic job .

I was one of the very few women who was lucky enough to have the birth I wanted with DS (well, it took a bloody long time but apart from that I had him at home with no pain relief) and yet two weeks in was I surrounded in a peaceful rosy glow of achievement? Was I buggery. I completely failed to establish BFing and my son got jaundiced and I was terrified, fucking terrified. DH and I were so tired we both started hallucinating at one point. I spent about five days crying solidly because all my dreams of BFing were falling apart and I was obviously the worst mummy in the world as a result.

And you know what? It got better. The terrible poisonous Nestle formula helped DS get better. I never managed to BF "properly" but expressed milk and fed him that for several months. My hormones calmed down. DS started sleeping for a couple of hours at a time and DH and I turned back into sane(ish) rational people who no loner hallucinated and screamed at each other and said things we didn't mean.

You have already shown that you are so tuned in to your baby that you realised he was poorly before anyone else. That's because you are his mum. He needs you. That's the first time of many many times when you will be the person to protect him and make it better.

You are still consumed by the whole birth / fragile newborn stage but it will not be like this forever. Suddenly you will have a chunky bouncy wee man pulling all the pots out of the cupboard whilst you attempt to have a wee in peace and what seems so bleak and all-consuming now will be the last thing on your mind.

Be kind to yourself. Recognise that however you give birth, you have still managed the most amazing and knackering physical feat and of course it will take you some time to recover. Your DH is struggling too, with his own feelings of fear and responsibility and sleep deprivation - but you will get through this together.

You're not a failure. This is the wonder that is motherhood. This is what no-one bothers to tell you is normal - you're left feeling that this is all wrong and that you must be crap, when in fact, what you are doing is bloody fabulous and the hardest job in the world with no training and no manual to refer to! The classes and the TV shows and the films don't tell you about this.

He might not be in pain with colic, it can 'just' be crying at anything in the afternoon/evening. He's adjusting to this dry, cold, noisy, bright world and he's telling you all about how he feels (bloody cross!) because you're his mum and he knows you'll listen

Be proud of yourself. Take help if you need it - and if that means FF then that's OK. You haven't failed and one day you will see that and you will believe that. I promise.

Keep going. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, it might not be visible yet because it's around a corner, but it IS there x

((Hugs))
Be kind to yourself
If this had happened to a mum on your antenatal course you would be v kind and caring and never think any of it was her fault. Be as nice to yourself! Things are tough with any newborn and it's bee a tougher start for you all than for many but you will get through, a day at a time
The crying after a first few days is really common - they're just starting to 'wake up' and stretch those lungs
Keep on feeding as often as pos and get expert bf advice asap on how to reduce the supplementary bottles. I also had to use bottles after em c section and it made me feel v crap tbh but I was able to bf til we stopped at 9 months. The first few weeks were hard but after that it was fine. God willing it will be the same for you xx

((Hugs))
Be kind to yourself
If this had happened to a mum on your antenatal course you would be v kind and caring and never think any of it was her fault. Be as nice to yourself! Things are tough with any newborn and it's bee a tougher start for you all than for many but you will get through, a day at a time
The crying after a first few days is really common - they're just starting to 'wake up' and stretch those lungs
Keep on feeding as often as pos and get expert bf advice asap on how to reduce the supplementary bottles. I also had to use bottles after em c section and it made me feel v crap tbh but I was able to bf til we stopped at 9 months. The first few weeks were hard but after that it was fine. God willing it will be the same for you xx

Hope that light came a bit closer today cakes :)

exhausted. he's hungry all the time. dh seems to settle him better than me and I just want a hug and some comforting myself, but all his TLC naturally goes to the baby and I feel so sad and, well, even a little lonely after spending most of the night up by myself with the baby and then i just feel ungrateful for wanting more from dh when he's already doing so much.

Cakes The settling better with DH thing is pretty normal - you'll smell of milk and that will wind DS up (the MW told me this on my one night in hospital with DD when I couldn't settle her, the MW came and calmed her within seconds and I was :( - it's nothing to worry about, it's because he knows you've got the food!)

It is bloody lonely, isn't it? Don't feel ungrateful for wanting more from your DH, this is the really, really hard bit and it's the bit I'm really not looking forward to myself. The birth, I have no fears about that this time round. The newborn days? I'd really rather not have to go through those again. In a few weeks this will all be a distant memory, honestly. Don't be afraid to ask your DH for a hug though if that's what you need. It costs nothing, and takes almost no time at all to make an ENORMOUS difference.

Hang on in there x

I don't know what I would w/o being able to let off steam here and get such helpful, sympathetic responses - thank you

You'd still muddle through - it's all any of us can hope to do.

Hi cakes, you're not alone, sends cuddles, i found baby massage really helped, (and still does) it was just 5 minutes of the day to do something calm, just me and my lo spending time together because we enjoyed it. BTW my 4 have all settled better with dh than me, I think its quite usual.

Just as I was starting to do a bit better and feel more positive I get mastitis. Someone up there really wants to test me.

Oh cakes :( Have you got anything to help with it?

You are doing so well

Gp gave me anti biotics, mw gave useful advice to try and help relieve the discomfort, and i'm taking as many painkillers as I can. Trying not to take it personally...