Hi there
I am not sure if I am normal or not but here goes.
I am a lucky mother of two boys which I love to bits. One is 18 months old and the other 12 weeks. I have been diagnosed with PND but have decided not to take the medication for the time being in order to be able to continue Breast feeding for a bit longer as it does come through in the milk. I have tired therapy but I feel like the lady is sick of me already. My normal (non-baby) friends are dropping off the radar like flies and my baby friends are almost all back at work. My family are abroad. I don?t work at the moment but was very career orientated only 18 months ago.
My partner is fed up with my tears and can't cope unless I put on my happy hat. He's under alot of pressure at work and is there long hours with a long commute. He explodes angrily if something happens like he stubs his toe (my equivalent to tears I guess). He is a VERY un-emotional person so he finds emotions very hard to deal with and does not understand no doubt. When I am tearful he trys to help initially but finds my reasons for being upset irrational or irrelevant and says I should be happy as I am the mother I always wanted to be. I see his point but when you?re virtually trapped in a home filled with four that really only suit?s a couple, things do get out of perspective. Lately, he has been threatening to end out relationship during these episodes so I really do feel that happy hat is turning rather transparent.
On the positive side we don't have any money worries and have a house that is warm and dry and food on the table. I had hired help from a baby sitter two days a week just after the birth but she jsut quit. My older boy goes to a childminder 11 hours a week term time only. When here my partner helps where he can.
Basically I try and I try to put on the happy hat (especially when talking to friends outside the inner circle) but I feel alone and find it hard to get out. When I do get out its such hard work that I feel like a wreck when I get home and then don't get on top of things. Normal pleasures of shopping and coffee are now stressful places to be avoided! I enjoy my bi weekly ?outing? to the laundrette, how sad am I!
On a practical level I feel that every way I turn is a brick wall. On an emotional level I am just jelly and in tears more often than not.
Is this normal and what can I do to get a ladder out of the hole and ditch the shovel which seems to be getting me in deeper.