I feel really down, unmotivated, short-tempered and tearful, have been denying it to myself for ages, but it's true. My son is 9 months old.
I think I might have postnatal depression, but also I think that most people who have been through what I have just been through would also feel depressed, so is it postnatal - and does it even matter?
I had been with my partner for 8 months when I fell pregnant by mistake. We decided to go ahead with it and we were both pleased. I knew he would not be a great partner / father (40 years old, spends all his time in the pub), but decided I would go with it anyway. However, I had no idea how difficult it was going to be, and how vulnerable I was going to become when pregnant and then a new mum.
I was ill with morning sickness and anaemia for the first 6 months of my pregnancy, then huge and had difficulty walking in the last 3. My partner went out drinking every night and I regularly had to kick drunk people out of our one bed flat. All the time, I prayed it would be better when the baby was here, as he was so excited about it.
When our son was born, he was not able to breathe properly and was in hospital for the first 5 weeks of his life and came home on an oxygen machine, which he needed until he was 7 1/2 months old.
Being a mum has come as a big shock to me - although absolutely worth it of course, it is still taking some coming to terms with. What is even more of a shock is how EVERYTHING is down to me - housework, childcare and breadwinning. I have had to go back to work because my partner doesn't work, and having a child hasn't changed this.
When I cry, my partner tells me to get a grip and don't I realise it's not easy for him either, so I try to never cry in front of him.
So - I'm pretty sure I'm depressed, but is it postnatal or reactive and does it matter?
It has taken a lot for me to write this post and I would appreciate any feedback.