Do i need help or just a reality check?

[Jax2218]

Hi there

This is my first time posting and it may be a long one, sorry.

I have two gorgeous children who are 2 and 1. My youngest was born just over a year ago down south where we were living at the time. My partner and I weren't in the best finanacial situation but we certainly had a long term plan and we decided to have our 2nd when we did. However, just after i fell pregnant, some really big money issues hit us (things going wrong with the house we were in, he was expected to work more which cost him more money while being greatly underpaid at work) I had been made redundant on maternity leave and had become a SAHM to save on childcare. I offered to come back to scotland to have the baby, give up the house we were in and save money while he continued to work down south perhaps living with his parents. He didnt want to do that, although i could forsee everything that eventually happened.

On my due date, I ended up just losing the plot with him over issues regarding his children from a previous marriage and money. I put myself into labour i was so upset, he didnt row with me it was purely my side. Whilst labouring at home he opened the mail and said i've reached my max on the c.card theres no more money. I was incredibly upset, but more so that my son was coming into the world through anger.

Fast forward 8 weeks and I was being sent back to scotland to my mums with my two children, while he stayed there. I was very sad before it, when we were here and he was gone i grew very angry and cried all the time. My mum told me to buck up and get on with it for the sake of the two children and so I did try. I would have moments of sheer rage, screaming at him don the phone and problems breathing. He can't financially support us and so I am on income support. although he is working to become debt free, so we can move together and buy a house. He gives me money if i really need it.

Over time the rage died down and I would have moments of it. I started an open uni course and totally focused on it to get me a job. Every time I started to waver or feel sorry myself, in my head I would just tear myself apart thinking how stupid and worthless i was feeling sorry for myself. Since then I have a terrible memory it's beyond silly forgetfullness, I can't sleep, I messed up on my exam as I just couldnt think. I am so lonely without him, the kids can be overwhelming and i truely hate myself for being so weak and over reacting to things that just not worth getting upset over. My mum thinks im too engrossed in myself, and the self loathing begins. Its got to the point that these thoughts are there all the time, i cant take any form of critisism without getting really angry. I try to be the best mum I can be and not let the kids see. It is the continual guilt, the loss of friends, my mum has just retired and is travelling a lot. The kids and I can be up to 2 weeks without a single visitor to the house (although i try getting them out every day and to groups and nursery) before their dad comes to see them.

Everyone says im overwhelmed, but is this normal. I hate myself and I want to be differant but changing feels impossible. Im scared to go to the doc incase they take my kids away from me, I wouldnt even know what to say without falling into a pile of uncontrollable tears which is what I'm doing now.
Can it be PND a year after having the baby, or am I just a weak, stupid idiot that needs to grow up?

any advice would be lovely thank you ( thats a long post sorry)

Jax welcome to MN. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You are doing very well under difficult circumstances. It is good to keep going out and about with the children, and to do a course as well?! It might be worth going to GP however, to say you hate yourself is a worrying sign. Yes PND is possible ; at the very least GP may have coping suggestions. Good luck.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression in april, when my son was 10 and a half months old. I did feel better when i started going out all the time with another mum because i could talk to her and she understood. I havent taken my medication now for months and feel okay,but you do need to get help to get better and you need someone who will tell you that you are not being selfish, because your health is important to your children, sooner or later you will make yourself really ill and then they will know something really bad is wrong. If you just bottle things up it will only get worse, i bottled it all up. I wasn't sleeping(despite bump(my son) having slept through since 7 weeks old, and i would have done anything to get a nights sleep so i ended up taking too many sleeping pills cos they weren't working. I now only use a bit of lavender oil on my pillow of a night. My husband was out all the time at college during the day and driving a mate about of a night, so i was all alone. When i started spending his college days with his mates missus i started to feel better and to realise that i wasn't the only one who had ever felt like it. I am now much better, but take it from someone who knows, get help now, the sooner the better and it DOES NOT make you a bad mother. and anyone who thinks it does clearly hasn't got kids so what would they know!

And i did become a pile of tears, my huisband finally noticed i was struggling when i couldn't stop trying and took me to my doctors and asked i see a doctor asap. bump (my son) is still with me and i only saw a social worker once, but the health visitor will make more regular visits. Dont worry you will get better.

Your situation sounds really difficult and it's know wonder ur feeling the way you are. I don't really have any advice - I'm 16 weeks pregnant my partners in the army and I only see him for 2 days every 3 weeks and am feeling really low as well.

Sending over a big cuddle anyway and hope that things start to look up for you soon.

Xxx

I have just read a great Q&A session with a parent infant psychotherapist who talks about what post-natal depression actually is and how you know if you've got it. The interview is on the Anna Freud Centre website. the link is below.

www.annafreud.org/pages/help-im-a-mum.html

I hope this helps and I hope your situation gets better

Hi thanks for the replies. I will check the link out when I got a bit more time.

I spoke to my doctor on the the phone as the only way I could get an appointment while I had the guts to talk to someone. I was basically told to go speak to the health visitor, Who I have never met and then make another appointment. So I'm feeling like the biggest idiot now and I'm just going to leave it and find another way of dealin with it.

Thank you all

I don't know if you're depressed or not, but I definitely don't think you're being weak. Your money issues sound like they were fairly serious and that in itself is enough to be 'upsetting'. You had further bad news on that front while in labour? Definitely upsetting! You had to move away from your partner 8 weeks after having a new baby: can't imagine anyone would say that was easy. You had to do it with another child (who presumably is missing Daddy): tough. You are living with someone who is unsupportive emotionally at a time when you've just gone through a number of major upheavals. That sounds extremely tough to me. On top of all that, you're now essentially rather isolated which is something that without any other factor can make people depressed.

Oh and let's not forget you have to pretend everything is ok for the children's sake.

Like I said, I don't know if you're depressed, but IMHO you definitely are not weak!

However, it might help to not think of it in terms of being "weak" = being a bad thing. You have had a run of difficult situations and despite what your mother says, you are ALLOWED to feel upset. That does not make you self absorbed. And even if you are, as long as the children are ok, what difference does it make? So what if she doesn't like that? You are dealing with things as best you can and it doesn't seem like anybody else is really putting your needs up there.

It would be good to find help to deal with everything on your plate, but of that doesn't happen immediately, perhaps try not to beat yourself up about feeling down - it is unlikely to make you feel better and really, is someone who has all these things happen SUPPOSED to feel carefree?!

(sorry about caps - on phone)

Hi thank you. I've had a good few days recently and it always gives me a boost. I just worry I'm affecting my kids and I want to say yeah it's not great but when we are sorted it will be brilliant. I just feel I've let them down and should be doing more. But I don't know what other than keep trying. The panic attacks scare me as i've I was always a very laid back person and knew how bad things were life always gets better at some point.

That doesn't mean I didn't have insecurities. I guess parenthood really tests those issues at times. I'll be ok, it's is nice to have people who understand. I think I am more stressed and anxious than depressed.