I need help.

[nunnie]

My little girl was born 9 weeks ago on wednesday, I have a 4 and half year old and a 13 month old also.
I am not coping well at all, everyday is a battle every scream fills me with hate, I have over the last couple of days just screamed at my youngest two with anger. I have no fuse at all with my eldest. I would never hurt them but I just want them to go away.
I go to my parents on a monday and a friday and do the school run and that is it I don't leave the house. I returned to the gym on moday which was nice and made me feel a little more human, but when I returned to my mums I was faced with stress on her part, my son (middle one) was screaming and I realised even an hour with my mum is too much to expect. My mum kept saying one hour has killed me I don't know how you cope. I DON'T is all I want to scream but what would be the use.
Tonight I told my husband I am struggling and his response was did you listen to the radio, there was a woman on there who is bringing up two toddlers and having kidney dialysis there are people out there with bigger problems than me and they are coping. He then proceeded to tell me that he had the youngest two for a few hours on saturday whilst me and the eldest went to a firework display and he coped it wasn't that hard, I am exagerating how hard it is.
I then lost it and told him he has it easy going to work, for which I was shot down with you don't know anything about what I do, how hard it is and worrying it is to work full time and bring in the money and pay the bills, this comes up quite alot and I am beginning to feel completely worthless as I don't bring any money in. He has now stormed out and gone to the driving range. I am sat here now feeling angry and upset to the point where I want to vomit. I want a hobby that means I can just storm out when everything gets on top of me, my hobby appears to have to be parenting. I get very little adult conversation something that is also taken for granted by my husband I suppose it is hard to see how nice that is to have when you get it everyday. I am told to go out and meet new mums which is nice, but to be honest and please don't get me wrong, but I want something and someone that isn't found on one common ground children.

Maybe I am just being totally selfish. I did expect it to be hard I just wasn't prepared for it to be so difficult and for me to be so weak and useless.

I am going to see the GP tomorrow, to get my blood test results and see if my iron levels have risen and the speed in which they are rising as I am being treated for anaemia and have been for a month and a half.

I am constantly shattered.

My husband starts his new contract on the 21st which will mean he leaves home on a sunday night and returns on a thursday evening and I will be alone and I can honestly say I am petrified as I really don't know how I am going to cope.

The GP was discussing PND at my check last week because I just broke down, I blamed the tiredness and tried to convince her everything was ok, not sure she was convinced. I don't want anti-depressants and I just feel that they will confirm to me that I have failed.

Anyway sorry for rant, will leave you all in peace now, thank you for reading.

I have typed out fantastic replies twice but the sodding laptop is playing up so I'm going to bullet point to save time this time.

• What you are doing is hard work, don't feel bad about finding it hard work.
• Be honest with your GP and HV about how you're really feeling...there are answers other than Anti-Depressants, but they can't offer them if you don't tell the truth about how you feel.
• Talk to your Mum, she sounds pretty supportive but again she can't fully support you if she doesn't now how you really feel.
• Is there any spare cash for a few hours childminder or babysitting so you can go the Gym or catch up on sleep without worrying about how your Mum's managing? Even 2 hours midweek will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
• Take a look at Mumsnet local. While I see what you mean about not just wanting 'Mummy' friends, it may be worth reconsidering. Friendships often grow from the initial point in common...and fellow Mums will have some appreciation of how hard you are working at the moment.
• Relationships are often hard during the early years of DCs lives...DH sounds like he's being a bit of an arse, but may feel he's doing the right thing trying to jolly you out of your bad mood. Muppet

Have a hug and a for tonight x

Thank you. Went to GP and have to remain on my iron tablets for another 3 months possibly longer. I scored 12 in the post natal depression questionnaire, so am borderline and have to return if I feel I am getting worse or it is becoming too much.

Hopefully as your iron levels increase you'll start to have a little more energy.

Be kind to yourself...we all find it hard from time to time. Take whatever help is on offer and rest whenever you get the chance. An occassional day in front of the box while you relax won't hurt the DC. Equally though, getting out and about often helps to make you feel a little more human. Are there any toddler groups in your area that you could bear to try once?

It must be such a hard time for everyone, you're dealing with a newborn and the lack of sleep etc, and at the same time a 13 month old who probably can't understand why he isn't getting your attention all the time. You're being really hard on yourself- you are not 'weak and useless', you are getting by and coping with a really tough time.

Try to be as easy on yourself as you can, give yourself realistic expectations, If you're feeling knackered, put CBeebies on or lie down for a rest whenever your toddler naps. Forget the housework, do the bare minimum- you have to put yourself first.

If your DS plays up when he's with your mum, can you leave the baby with her instead, or get her to take the baby out for a walk so she'll nap in the pushchair? That way you could spend some time doing something nice with your DS- he gets some individual attention and you get a reminder of some of the nicer aspects of parenting. Also, if you can say a bit more about your DS's behaviour, I'm sure you'll get some good advice on here about helping him adjust to his little sister.

As for your DH, he's being an arse and needs to step up- if he's going to be away sun-thu he will need to be doing A LOT at the weekend to give you as much of a break as he can. I think you need to have a serious chat once the older DCs are in bed- he needs to take your feelings seriously. He may also need to hear an acknowledgement that he is working hard too, but it shouldn't be about competitive winging, you both need support from each other.