Can't copy any more

[PermaShattered]

I'm feel so utterly knackered mentally and physically. I have 4 gorgeous children, I'm so blessed with them. They're aged 11 down to 6months. The baby is the worst sleeper of the lot so I'm constantly sleep deprived which is part of the cause I know. I restarted freelance work (writing) two weeks ago, and my DH does long hours and I never know when he's going to get home.

My 9yr DD came back from a school resi trip today, was so good to have her back, I knew she was missing me and home etc so much and I have been worrying about her. LIfe is a constant juggle, I'm constantly in and out of the car. Late this afternoon the baby was v unsettled and I was juggling him with sorting out 9yr old luggage, tea for the babies, vacuuming, sorting clean washing, etc etc. The usual stuff.

As it was my 9yr old's return, my husband went to pick up a chinese after we put our baby boys to bed. By the time he got home they were both (unusually for one) screaming and i was shuffling between getting the two settled in two different rooms, settling argument between my girls, getting cutlery and plates out and i'm just a total zombie.

So i snapped. I had no control over myself and i attacked my DH, picked up what i could and threw it across the room and just said/shouted, I can't cope any more. I just can't do it anymore.

And that's really how i feel. I just can't cope. Feel like i have no mental stamina left. SO i feel an utter utter failure and they will all be better without me. ANY advice, reassurance this is (occasionally) normal from anyone out there would be so comforting. Right now, i want to walk out the house and not come back. And I texted my sister earlier to say i feel like cutting myself.

Take deep breaths and come up with a plan. Hormones and lack of sleep are taking over. Firstly you need to find someone to have your youngest overnight (parents or in laws?), so you can have a full night's sleep.

Do you ever take time for yourself? I have dd1 (3.5) and dtds (6w) and plan, once the twins are a bit older, to do Zumba for an hour once a week with a friend. Doesn't sound much but tbh, getting out the house to nip to the supermarket on my own leaving dh to care for the kids is actually a really nice feeling.

Sit the older kids down and tell it like it is - sometimes they need to know. Not the cutting bit but the fact that the babies don't sleep and how that makes you feel and how them fighting upsets you.

Oh and sod the cleaning - life's too short. Maybe you could get a cleaner. If money doesn't stretch that far then maybe a temporary cleaner for a few weeks just while you re-group.

How would dh feel about you going to stay with your sister for a couple of nights?

Everyone gets to a point where enough is enough but you won't always feel like that. I really feel from reading your post that sleep is the main issue but sleep training babies when you're at your wits end is not a good start.

Oh, I've also asked for money for Christmas for me to put towards a trip to the spa at Centre Parcs nearby, it's amazing. Can you go somewhere similar?

I have been in the same place. You get pushed to the limit and hit your threshold. I have found myself shouting the exact same. I have found that talking to my GP has helped a lot and actually found that I was depressed. I am feeling much more like I can cope. We have very busy lives mums of today running house, being mum and working, plus dealing with all the other stresses of daily life (loosing friends / parents/ jobs etc). I agree that you must have down time for yourself, even if it is going to shops on own or a walk or a coffee with a friend. You are not alone in this and it is very normal . Nobody is super human and when I talk to friends they also confess to having times like this. Be kind to yourself, give yourself some time and that will help you to be an even more fantastic mum. Your children will benefit from your time out x

Thanks so much, you've both helped hugely. I'm still feeling very fragile and contemplating returning to my doctor. I've been on antidepressants for a long time (long story there) and only today it's crossed my mind that perhaps I need to change them to something else.

Im' feeling very fragile, and snapping at the slightest thing and my DH is worried about but good to know I'm not the only one going through this.... xxxx

PrincessScrumpy - family are 150 miles away :( I rarely get time out to myself but i AM off to Hoar Cross Hall on saturday for the day for my annual birthday trip! So that will do me the world of good :)

A full night's sleep would be so marvellous but can't see that happening any time soon - unless I sedate my babe!! ;)

Oh and the cleaning! It's not so much the cleaning - that's not the problem, it's the tidying up! :( I live with an untidy DH and of course children who are, by their very nature, untidy. And it's quite a small house (for 6 of us anyway).