That 'pregnant woman glow' is bullsh*t!

[jennibeedie]

Hi, my name is Jenni, I am 23 and found out a week ago that I am expecting my first child in 2012. When I used to looked at pregnant women I thought 'I bet they're a little nervous and worried but sooo excited and glowing inside!' well now I can officially say from experience that for me, that thought was a load of bull! I'm not a little nervous or worried, I am completely and utterly terrified! I have never felt so scared and so unsure of anything in my entire life. All the usual worries are there like money, birth, being a good mum etc but mine seem to reach a whole new level. People are buying me flowers and cards, my boyfriend bought 2 gorgeous baby grows for me and you know what...instead of me being bubbly, jumping up and down and getting excited I went in to the bathroom, closed and locked the door and cried on the floor. I don't know if maybe all the rush of hormones are making me feel this way or if I feel like this because I genuinely am not ready to be a mum and should have an abortion but now it's too late emotionally and mentally for me to have one. Names have been discussed, furniture has been moved already and things have been bought for me and I think 'I wish, oh how I wish that I could wake up tomorrow and this was all just a dream' I was reading a baby book yesterday and there was a section on miscarriage (now God forgive me and I am so sorry for any mum who has had one and would not wish it on any one) but I found myself wishing it on me! I sat there hoping I would miscarry so that this nightmare would be over and it wouldn't have been my fault like it would be if I had an abortion. I've asked a few friends if they felt that way when they were expecting and it was 'no I was elated' and 'no, everyone feels different but I was soooo happy'. Does this now make me a horrible, horrible person for thinking these things? Or is it normal and something that will pass in time...like when I start 'showing' or have the baby I may think 'man I am so glad I chose to have it' or will I think 'ok it wasn't just a bit of depression I actually really didn't want this and now it's too late and I'm stuck'. Being pregnant is very black and white, you either have it or you don't, but if you don't know which one you're leaning towards then what do you do?? Theres no grey area, it's not like buying a dog, realizing you don't want one and selling it to someone else...it's a baby and I am petrified!

Jenni, please don't worry, the fears, feelings and emotions you are feeling are completely normal and understandable.
As your friends said, everyone does feel different about being pregnant and having a baby. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's.

When people talk about 'pregnant glow' they are usually referring to a stage of pregnancy after the first trimester. For the first 20 weeks or so, hormones can go crazy, morning sickness can be awful, the body is settling into its new role and the mother is starting to come to terms with her new situation. After 20 weeks, this settles down significantly and it becomes easier to actually enjoy being pregnant. Once you see your belly growing and you start to feel the baby moving inside you, your feelings will change too. It all starts to feel more real and you start to feel more attached to the life inside you. Before that it can all feel rather surreal.

Being scared about the realities of birth and being a mum are also natural. You are very young and that may mean that you are emotionally less prepared for this. Maybe the baby was unplanned and you were not expecting it.
However, it sounds like you have a lot of supportive family and friends around you. That is fantastic. You will need to rely on them for emotional and practical support throughout the months and years to come.

Hi Ruth, thank you for your advice, my mum and midwife have both said the same thing, that once my belly starts to grow and it all sinks in and settles down I'll be really happy. I normally go with my gut feeling, if I ask someone a question and instantly feel unhappy with the answer then I know to choose the other option, so when I asked my boyfriend, do you really want this baby? and his answer was yes, instead of me feeling relief or happiness I felt basically a bit pissed off with that answer, dissapointed and very very trapped in a situation which I don't feel I have much control over. That gut feeling is how I've always made my decisions, a few years ago I had been with an old boyfriend for over a year and started feeling a little fed up, when I asked my friends if I should stay with him they said yes and I was dissapointed with that answer so I found myself asking them again and again without realizing I was doing it until afer a few weeks I called it off with him and was really glad I'd made that decision. So when someone says yes to having a baby do I just go against my gut and hope I feel better or listen to that dissapointed voice and take it as a sign that it's just not the right time for me to have a baby yet?

Your gut feeling is important, but in this case you also need to take time to consider how you truly feel. This is not a subject to take lightly or a decision to take too quickly.
You obviously have the support of your BF and also of your mum and other family. That is really important.
How many weeks gone are you now? I think you are still only very early on, aren't you?
I think you still have time to think about how you really feel and what you really want.
Can you talk freely and honestly with friends and family you trust? Can you talk about your feelings with your mum? I think you need to discuss this openly and honestly to work out what is best for you.

It is still really early days for you, give it a few weeks and see how you feel.

It sounds as though people might be jumping the gun a bit with re-arranging furniture, buying things etc etc. I imagine that is putting you under a fair bit of pressure if all your family etc are so excited? Can you ask them all to back off until things are further along?

I'm only about 6 weeks so it's nothing really but it's so hard not to think about it 24/7 and I'm racking my brains, writing out pros and cons lists and I'm going insane! Because of the pregnancy I've had to stop taking some pretty strong anti-anxiety pills which I've been on for over a year now so that doesn't help much. My family and friends know I'm really confused at the moment so they have backed off and are really supportive. I just figure if I don't have the baby and realize that was a mistake then I can always have another one but if I do have it and I don't enjoy being a mum then it's tough, I have no choice for the rest of my life and that's what really freaking me out!

I'm sure going off the anti-anxiety pills, in combination with the new situation and all your hormones going crazy makes for a tough combination.
It's good that you're only 6 weeks. You have time to think things through and make the right decision for you. You don't need to rush into anything.

Have you considered taking counselling?
I think talking to someone completely unconnected to you who can offer you impartial advice as well as listening to all your mixed feelings could help. They might help you to work things through in your own mind and come to the right decision.