Am I depressed or just tored or maybe both?

[wildpoppy]

I have a 6 month old. Most of the time we are okay. Some days I just want to cry. Mostly these are the days after bad nights when I am very tired. On these days I have flashbacks to when she was born and nearly died and I thought for about five mins she was dead until I found her with nurses in the resusitation room at the hospital.

Usually my thoughts about this are at the back of my head and I keep them under control. When I am tired they creep back and I just cry. I talk about it because I know talking should help but the feelings I have don't seem to get better. When I am tired I also think about her getting old and dying one day and about me dying one day etc and get very upset. It's like being a bloody teenager when these questions about the universe used to haunt me.

I know I am hugely lucky - I have a wonderful healthy daughter and a supportive husband and family and friends close by so to give in to any of these feelings seems self indulgent. But I don't feel I have my equilibrium back. Perhaps this is because I haven;t had a full night of sleep since my bladder seemed to give up the day I fell pregnant, so I was tired for 9 months before having the baby and now have normal baby tiredness because she doesn't yet sleep through (though she often will just wake once so I have it good).

I have a doctor's appt this week to discuss something else and don't know whether to bring this up - is it just middle class self indulgence or might I be depressed? I had a horrendous year about 5 years ago where I think I was depressed but I didn't ever seek help for it and I swore to myself I wouldn't go through it again and would seek help. But I don't want to be labelled crazy. After about a year through exercise, eating healthily and just things changing and life moving on, things got better. But if I want more children (I do) then I can't see how I will ever be less tired or get my balance back again. Also I really don't want to be put on anti depressants.

Any thoughts, help or advice much appreciated.

sorry tired not tored

If you haven't already seen your GP then yes, absolutely DO bring it up. Nobody is going to label you as crazy. A massive percentage of the population suffer from depression of varying sorts at some point in their lives.

I don't know if anyone has suggested it but it might be worth contacting the hospital to see if a midwife can go through your labour and birth notes with you - it must have been terrifying at the time not knowing if your daughter was okay and perhaps talking through what happened might help you lay that ghost to rest at least a little.

Your GP should be able to refer you to a counsellor rather than just handing over pills. I would strongly recommend it if they do - you should not suffer in silence. Other things that might help are yoga/pilates classes - very calming, good for pelvic floor (bonus!) and as you've found before, exercise and healthy eating can really make a difference when you are feeling low.

Knowing you are lucky doesn't make your feelings any less valid. Good luck with getting this sorted - you've managed it once and you can do it again!

Yes bring it up with your GP (hopefully you already have?) Flashbacks are a sign of Post traumatic stress, which considering your awful labour sounds quite possible. IME questioning the universe is also a symptom! The fact that you can keep these thoughts under control but they 'escape' when you are feeling low also seems familiar.

I found going through my notes with a midwife a great help to process it. Ring the labour ward and ask if its possible, don't worry that it was months ago, the mw told me they do them for labours years and years back.

You don't have to go on drugs, they can't make you unless you are sectioned. There may be specialist help for new mothers in your area, if not get put on the waiting list for counselling.

Can family or friends play with her for an hour or two so you can sleep? I get a lie in every day dh is off work and it does help.