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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my MIL to call me mum/mummy

18 replies

BigMama32 · 11/11/2022 12:25

I have a very complicated in law situation, I have x2 sets of foster in laws, one of my MIL has always been very opinionated and forceful on what I do with our son (she want us to use cry it out, wean him early etc etc) anyway we’ve both maintained this facade of niceness to each other for hubbys sake, but I think deep down we know we’re not each other’s cuppa, she’s quite bossy, loud and doesn’t observe my boundaries whereas I’m very introverted and struggle with confrontation.

anyway, she’s just started when calling me “mother” when speaking to our LO instead of mum or mummy which i find a bit hurtful. She calls my husband daddy and me mother for example “oh let’s take a picture for your daddy” and “go on then, go back to your mother”

should I say something, if so - how? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 11/11/2022 12:28

I dont think you are unreasonable.

Not sure how old your LO is but could you just say something like "please don't confuse them, they call me Mummy"?

Mindymomo · 11/11/2022 12:30

Just tell her they know me as Mum, not mother, please don’t confuse child.

Original poster
BigMama32 · 11/11/2022 12:32

@Mindymomo @starfishmummy she’s a bit of a bulldozer and will likely respond something along the lines of “don’t be so silly” which she has done before and I don’t really know what to say in response to that

OP posts:
Clymene · 11/11/2022 12:32

Either your husband needs to say something or you both correct her every single time so if she says 'go back to your mother' say 'yes, come back to mummy'.

But this is your husband's issue to solve, not yours.

AllHailtheSlushy · 11/11/2022 12:32

I'm sorry but I'm petty enough to start calling her something like the old goat.in retaliation.

Original poster
BigMama32 · 11/11/2022 12:33

AllHailtheSlushy · 11/11/2022 12:32

I'm sorry but I'm petty enough to start calling her something like the old goat.in retaliation.

Hahaha I’d love to but don’t have the balls to do this

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 11/11/2022 12:34

That’s so rude and disrespectful, DH should have a strong word.

ThanksAntsThants · 11/11/2022 12:34

It does sound passive aggressive, however, could it be a regional thing? In the black country we tend to say mother and dad. If not, then she’s probably being a cow, yes. If it’s bothering you enough, then you’ll have to make your displeasure known.

Hidingawaytoday · 11/11/2022 12:35

AllHailtheSlushy · 11/11/2022 12:32

I'm sorry but I'm petty enough to start calling her something like the old goat.in retaliation.

I was going to say something similar. What does your DC call her? If she doesn't change after a reasonable conversation choose something she'll hate and do it everytime.

Dragonfly3 · 11/11/2022 12:36

If she replies ‘don’t be so silly’ then instruct your child to call her a name she doesn’t use eg Grandmother instead of Grandma. She might realise how ‘silly’ you are then.

The6thQueen · 11/11/2022 12:36

I’m with allhail, I’d have to start calling her grandmother or grossmutter (German), or something equally as autocratic as ‘mother’. Not rude, just playing her at her own game

The6thQueen · 11/11/2022 12:37

Or go the opposite way, sugerpie sweet gam-gam or glamorous granny, whatever will annoy her the most 😁

Original poster
BigMama32 · 11/11/2022 12:38

@ThanksAntsThants no her kids call her mum. Have to get DH on side first as I’m sure she’ll be angry about it

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 11/11/2022 12:41

Just reply with "Yes Grandmother."

My ds (15yo) sometimes calls me "Mother". I'm not sure where it's come from, but I normally respond with either "Yes, son," or "Mummy loves you very much would you like to have a cuddle better..."
He prefers the former, I must say. Grin

Original poster
BigMama32 · 11/11/2022 12:41

@Dragonfly3 @The6thQueen ohhhh this I can do she hates grandmother

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 11/11/2022 12:44

BigMama32 · 11/11/2022 12:32

@Mindymomo @starfishmummy she’s a bit of a bulldozer and will likely respond something along the lines of “don’t be so silly” which she has done before and I don’t really know what to say in response to that

"What's silly about not confusing MY children? They call me mum, I'm not sure why you like to pretend otherwise. Anyway - do you want a cuppa, I'm just up to make one."

doesn’t observe my boundaries
Right OP - you need to re-frame this, & pronto.
Your boundaries are yours.They belong to YOU.
That means that YOU are the one who gets to choose them, erect them, maintain them ... & patrol them.
It's not other people's job to observe them.
It's your job to show them where they are, request that they are observed ... & if they are not - remove yourself from the boundary-crasher.

I wouldn't choose to die on the mum/mother hill myself, but no doubt it's the tip of an iceberg, & only you can assess what you can tolerate & what you can let slide.
So as well as the boundary statement in italics above - please note the ALL IMPORTANT subject change & temporary removal of yourself from the exchange - you could try Grey Rock -
www.e-counseling.com/articles/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

Or teasing - "Your GrandMama believes that I am known as Mother, children. Aren't we all posh!" - laugh, & go & do something else.

Because if you fixate on this she'll probably do it more to wind you up. It's a dominance display. And if you can no longer be arsed to watch her display, she's no longer dominant.

Original poster
BigMama32 · 11/11/2022 13:21

@KettrickenSmiled yeah she deffo would wind me up if given the chance, had never heard of doing a grey rock thanks for this

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 11/11/2022 14:03

No probs BigMama I understand how enraging these microaggressions are when they are persistent. If you can get yourself to a place of finding her amusing/pathetic you will manage much more easily. With the added bonus of deflating her self-importance when she realises that her dominance display has backfired, because you are not cowed/irritated - you are laughing at her.

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