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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws, Xmas and doing what I want

30 replies

thisyearwillbenice · 11/11/2022 12:15

I very much dislike DPs family. It started off all fine and nice, with the exception of 1 sibling who took a dislike to me. Turns out this is because I have DC and she thinks i'm some sort of gold digger. I'm not, I work full time, have my own money and earn the same as DP, but there you go.
We have been together about 5 years for context and are engaged.

I thought I got on fine with his other siblings and his mother but I recently dared to disagree with his mother over something and its all gone downhill from there. I overheard a conversation his mother had with someone else, she was unaware I could hear her, and to put it mildly I never want to see the woman again. She has always been overbearing and very opinionated anyway, she has very narcissistic qualities. But as these were never previously aimed at me and I didn't see her that much I just let her crack on and kept out of everything.

His other siblings now refuse to talk to me and have been telling DP he has to choose between his 'family' and me as its upset his mother. Its pathetic.

Every year, we have incorporated them all into christmas. Its always been a juggle as I have DC so need to factor in them seeing their father, all of us seeing my parents and siblings and also DPs mother and siblings and also the dc's fathers family though he sorts that ,we just have to obviously agree dates and everything. A few live a good few hours drive, so thats why its always a juggling act to fit it all in.
Each year we have been together this has all been sorted and agreed together, when we are free to visit or have a vist from x y and z. Each year at least 2 of DP's family will cause a problem last minute and seem to have no idea it throws everything else out of whack. For instance one year one of them wanted to visit us, all arranged, lunch prepared and they arrived 3 hours later because they decided to stop on the way for a breakfast and then looked around a garden centre. And then they got annoyed when we said we had to go out 3 hours after they eventually arrived. Its that sort of thing, just thoughtlessness as opposed to any major crisis that arose unexpectedly. One year the excuse was literally, we couldn't be bothered to get up so early.

So this year, given the fact I know exactly what his 'D'M thinks of me and that his siblings don't give a toss anyway AIBU to just plan mine and the dc's xmas around my family (and their dads) and just say to DP, this is whats happening, if you want to see any of yours you can fit it in around MY schedule, and none of them can come here you'll have to go to them, because I honestly have washed my hands of them.

So I will decide what time dinner will be done for, for example, and if that does not fit in with when his mother can see him xmas day, thats just tough and he can sort it out, I no longer care.

I realise this makes it awkward for DP, but I really am just past it all and don't see why I should incorporate them when they always mess it up in some way and seem to hate me anyway. I may even tell DP he is not to put my name on any of his familys presents this year, as I really really do not want any of them in my life anymore quite frankly.

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 11/11/2022 12:28

I think you can tell him what you have arranged for you and your children but he can also tell what he is doing and that may include visiting his family.

Does he know what his mother said and can you share it?

Original poster
thisyearwillbenice · 11/11/2022 12:34

Yes he knows what his mother said. He has also made it clear he will not threatened into choosing anyone, but if they force the issue he will choose me.
So hes on side. But also they are his family so hes totally in the middle.

I am absolutely fine with him visiting his family and sorting that, but as I am sorting everything around the DC and also the one cooking xmas dinner, is it unreasonable to say this is what we are doing. Plan yours around that. I am not accomodating his mothers or siblings schedules, he will have to fit it around mine.

I will let him know what I have planned basically in terms of dates/times and when we visit my side of the family without considering his familys schedules anymore.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 11/11/2022 12:36

Plan your Christmas with your dc. He can opt in or out as he chooses....
He can't argue with that really.
When his dm gives him grief his visit there will be short I expect..

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 11/11/2022 12:37

Did you post once referring to their stop off breakfasts and a garden centre? Sounds familiar!

Original poster
thisyearwillbenice · 11/11/2022 12:37

His mother does not know I overheard what she said. She knows he overheard some of it, but not that I know.

Her issue is that I disagreed with her over something and the siblings are upset with me because she is apparently unhappy I dared to disagree with her.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 11/11/2022 12:38

If he is your partner, you don’t make a unilateral decision. You sit down and discuss this with him and together you come up with a plan that works for both of you.

If he cares about you, he will want those plans to be sympathetic to the fact that his family has not fully welcomed you. If you care about him, you will recognize that even though he loves you, it is difficult to stay angry at you family and he may not be ready to move to a fully scorched earth position.

Original poster
thisyearwillbenice · 11/11/2022 12:38

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 11/11/2022 12:37

Did you post once referring to their stop off breakfasts and a garden centre? Sounds familiar!

No I haven't mentioned that before, so that wasn't me.

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 11/11/2022 12:41

The only reason I think you're being unreasonable is that this makes it difficult for your dh, who it sounds is completely supportive (as he should be). So because of this I'd put it to him more as a discussion "I'd like to do x at Christmas doors that for with any plans you have with your family?" for eg.

Original poster
thisyearwillbenice · 11/11/2022 12:42

If he is your partner, you don’t make a unilateral decision. You sit down and discuss this with him and together you come up with a plan that works for both of you.

Yes, this is what we do every year. So its fair and what works best for everyone.

So I probably am being unreasonable. I suppose after the latest stuff I heard and the fact they gave DP an ultimatum to choose, I am very much in a place no longer giving a crap about any of them.

OP posts:
hesbeingabitofadick · 11/11/2022 12:47

You sort the kids out first with a chat with your Ex.
After that, your family seeing your kids.
Anything after that is "free" for you to spend time with DP.
His arrangements with his family are irrelevent if you're not going too.

Tsort · 11/11/2022 12:47

What was overheard? Not details, but broad brushstrokes. If you contextualise, we might be able to give more useful advice.

Whatsleftnow · 11/11/2022 12:48

Life is long and there are all sorts of factors that can cause relationships to shift and change so I would always advise that you play the long game.

Don’t create difficulties for your dh with the in laws. They’re his family. It’s always going to be complex. You don’t have to do anything except leave him to get on with muddling through his emotional baggage with his family of origin.

What you’ve suggested here is completely sensible. Set up your schedules for Christmas and then let your dh know what times you are available and let him organise to see his family within those times.

If you do that lightly and without any other commentary you’re just stepping out of the aggro, reducing your stress, and handing him back the responsibility to sort out his own family. It’s a perfectly good template for the future.

Don’t weigh it down with negative comments and anger, because it will cause him stress, it creates tension AND it weakens your position. You might end up backing down to avoid a row or to make him feel better.

Sometimes when we get angry, we hit on a solution, that if we were thinking clearly in the first place we might already be doing. This is one of those times.

SheWoreYellow · 11/11/2022 12:52

It’s absolutely fine and normal to say ‘we’re around on xx days/times, you’re welcome then’.

Luckynumbereight · 11/11/2022 12:53

Crack on with your Christmas, OP! You don’t owe his family anything and he can decide if he wants to join in or not.

DrivingHomeForChristmaaargh · 11/11/2022 12:54

You need to talk to your partner about all this. Tell him what you’ve written here and how you feel. Say you’d prefer to see only your family at Christmas because of everything that’s happened but you understand that he may want to see his family. Discuss it together.

What you’re proposing is completely reasonable but it’s fairer to your partner to talk it through rather than just saying “I’m doing X- you do what you like”.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 11/11/2022 12:55

Nah, I'm with you @thisyearwillbenice do your own thing for you and your dc. I don't think in your situation that my DP would expect me to socialise with his family if they'd been unpleasant about me. Your priority is your dc so arrange Christmas to fit. YANBU.

strawberry2017 · 11/11/2022 13:06

I think you still need to take the time to talk to him about the plans, otherwise it looks like your taking your frustration out on him.

Original poster
thisyearwillbenice · 11/11/2022 13:09

I have talked it through to a certain degree with DP. As in, I won't be visiting your family with you this year which he completely understands. I have not said he can't see them. But I have said they are not welcome at our house, or at least when I am there they are not. Mainly because one sibling said I am not welcome at hers or her mothers.

The disagreement was over them discussing a family members partner. The couple were divorcing and it was very messy by all accounts. Dps mother was being particularly horrible about the wife. I should have just shut up, but I said that we perhaps do not know the whole story and it did sound like there was more to it than the family member was saying (there was more to it as I had met the couple on a number of occasions and got on well with the wife and consider us friends). I was then told I didn't know what I was talking about and how dare I take the horrible wifes side when poor relative was suffering. (He was on holiday in Tenerife with a group of mates, so probably not suffering too badly I would have thought). I bowed out at that point and simply went home.

The later overheard conversation was me being spoken about in the same way with things like I'm a terrible mother, I can't love my dc, I spend all DPs money (I don't), He pays for everything (he doesn't), I don't let him go the pub apparantly either, my house is messy, I expect DP to do things around the house and the killer was his mother saying she herself was perfect, always had been and I must need psychiatric help.

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 11/11/2022 14:06

thisyearwillbenice · 11/11/2022 13:09

I have talked it through to a certain degree with DP. As in, I won't be visiting your family with you this year which he completely understands. I have not said he can't see them. But I have said they are not welcome at our house, or at least when I am there they are not. Mainly because one sibling said I am not welcome at hers or her mothers.

The disagreement was over them discussing a family members partner. The couple were divorcing and it was very messy by all accounts. Dps mother was being particularly horrible about the wife. I should have just shut up, but I said that we perhaps do not know the whole story and it did sound like there was more to it than the family member was saying (there was more to it as I had met the couple on a number of occasions and got on well with the wife and consider us friends). I was then told I didn't know what I was talking about and how dare I take the horrible wifes side when poor relative was suffering. (He was on holiday in Tenerife with a group of mates, so probably not suffering too badly I would have thought). I bowed out at that point and simply went home.

The later overheard conversation was me being spoken about in the same way with things like I'm a terrible mother, I can't love my dc, I spend all DPs money (I don't), He pays for everything (he doesn't), I don't let him go the pub apparantly either, my house is messy, I expect DP to do things around the house and the killer was his mother saying she herself was perfect, always had been and I must need psychiatric help.

What did your DP do or say when he heard about this?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2022 14:12

I would think very, very long and hard before marrying into this family.

Original poster
thisyearwillbenice · 11/11/2022 15:38

Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2022 14:12

I would think very, very long and hard before marrying into this family.

I am seriously thinking this too. There has been some very ugly behaviour from them recently that I really do not want to get enmeshed in.

OP posts:
ABJ100 · 11/11/2022 16:04

hesbeingabitofadick · 11/11/2022 12:47

You sort the kids out first with a chat with your Ex.
After that, your family seeing your kids.
Anything after that is "free" for you to spend time with DP.
His arrangements with his family are irrelevent if you're not going too.

This. You should be doing this in the first place. As much as you are in a relationship, your DC come first and arrangements need to be what's best for them. You work around that. Why would you bother about people that aren't even your family, let alone people that don't like you.

LeilaDarling · 11/11/2022 16:49

💯 do your thing. Stand up for yourself.

ThreeblackCats · 11/11/2022 16:54

So you think it’s ok to spend time with your family and your child’s family but you don’t want to spend any time with your poor partners family, because god forbid they have a different opinion to you?
or did I miss the point?

IhearyouClemFandango · 11/11/2022 17:01

Why would she want to spend time with people who dislike her and treat her poorly? She isn't saying the partner can't see them.