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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay out of it

12 replies

Ryoko · 10/07/2010 14:24

I have just found out that my mum has not told my aunt or uncle about DS.

This is because she doesn't want my grandma finding out about him because of the way she treated me and my siblings, basically we where never good enough for her and should have been more like my uncles kid, and the other one who she coo'ed over and bought lots of presents/gave money to etc when she gave us diddly squat because we where not good enough, and she panders to the other ones kids and has tonnes of pictures of them (the other one being the child of my uncles ex who is not a blood relative).

So as I can't remember her disapproving of me (I do remember it not being fare that she gave my cousin who is well off, money for uni while my family struggled) I have decided to stay out it but am I wrong to do so? should I say something?.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 10/07/2010 14:28

I would tell or not tell who you please about your son. He's your son and it's your life. If there is someone in your life ... including relatives... that you don't think would bring anything positive to the party, leave them out.

gingernutlover · 10/07/2010 14:29

why would it matter if your grandma knew you had a DS?

If what you say is accurate about her feelings towards you and your siblings then she wont give a toss about your DS either.

Original poster
Ryoko · 10/07/2010 14:39

I think that my mum thinks she will demand to see him (which means traveling miles and staying somewhere) and then slag him off when she does see him and then moan about not seeing him in a few months time, so it would be a hassle/cost to go there just for him to get insulted.

As I said I don't remember how she treated us, I've not seen her in about 17 years, my mum has seen her a few times and my sister has seen her recently and got ignored by her, so I just think I should leave it to mum, it's more the fact my Aunt doesn't know that bothers me, she is fine and it's not fare on her but she would tell if she knew.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 10/07/2010 14:56

Your grandmother may 'demand to see him' but that doesn't mean you have to meekly obey. You're not reliant on her for anything that she can withdraw and she hasn't had anything to do with you for nearly 20 years. You and your child are your responsibility.. you call the shots. If she wants to be a miserable, bitter old bat then that's really her problem. Tell auntie (if you like her) and when granny finds out and 'demands' an audience then just say no. If she's a nice long way away, what can she do?

Original poster
Ryoko · 10/07/2010 15:06

Chil1234

That just seems a really mean thing to do to someone over 100 years old TBH, I mean if she was younger I'd agree but at that age I'd feel a bit mean saying no and she would put the guilt trip on us I'm sure of it, shes been doing it for years anyway over other things.

OP posts:
Starmummy · 10/07/2010 15:13

Sorry Ryoko, have to agree with chil 1234 on this. Its your life and you are in charge, of you and your DS. Dont let the age crap make any difference, be in control, you have no need to bring toxic people into either your or Ds life.

Chil1234 · 10/07/2010 15:16

Being over 100 is no excuse for bad behaviour. If she was a sweet, lovely old granny that had shown any interest in you then she'd already know you had a child and this whole thing would be non-issue. As it is, she's made her bed and she should lie in it.

Original poster
Ryoko · 10/07/2010 15:26

I think....I'll take the easy way out and leave it up to mum, if she finds out, well I didn't know she hadn't been told and the same thing goes for my aunt.

Not like I hear from her anyway so how would I know she didn't know, as for my aunt well frankly she has more important things to worry about, she would fuss about getting him a gift I know it, she has health problems at the moment which are not life threatening and will hopefully pass.

ignorance is bliss for the time being

OP posts:
TakeLovingChances · 10/07/2010 16:48

Ryoko your gran sounds like my gran

I won'y give details here, suffice to say she's a wicked witch and I must be a glutton for punishment for even considering seeing her 2-3 times a year.

I have a 5 month old DS who she has met. I plucked u courage to travel down to visit her. To give her credit where it's due, she was great with DS, very loving. But very passive aggressive and critical of me.

I doubt I'll be back down in a rush as I don't want her to turn nasty with DS as she's prone to doing with the rest of us. Basically I just want to protect DS and only let people who are loving and nice in his life as he's so young and vulnerable.

TakeLovingChances · 10/07/2010 16:49

OP - forgot to say, YANBU. Stay out of it, don't say anything. If she wants to see or contact you let her do it herself.

maxpower · 10/07/2010 17:05

agree with chil1234

BUT it's clear from your response to chil that you aren't comfortable with the situation. If that's the case then tell your (D)G, but you can't complain if she behaves in the way you've described in your op

FakePlasticTrees · 10/07/2010 17:22

You should tell your Aunt if you want her to be part of your DS's life. (And it sounds like you do). Not to be too blunt, but at 100, your Grandmother is highly unlikely to be part of DS's life for more than a couple of years even if you do decide to let her know. Your Aunt on the other hand, might be a positive person for him to know, and would probably be very hurt to find out later on that you'd kept this from her.

If your Grandmother didn't care to see you for 17 years, she has no right to insist on being part of your life now you're a mother. If you want to go see her to avoid upset, then do so, but don't feel you have to go.

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