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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want elderly IL's to look after DC's?

18 replies

Abihattie · 09/07/2010 14:41

I know this sounds like another in-law bashing thread but I'm genuinely worried about this. They're coming to stay for a week. DC's are 2.4 and 11 months. They go to my parents while we're at work and I have absolutely no worries as they're so well looked after there. IL's however, now want to look after them while they stay but I just don't trust them. FIL is 81 and MIL is 76. She fell down the stairs last time they stayed with us. His Dad likes to drink (starts in a morning with whisky). They love the DC's to bits but are completely not in tune with their needs - there are so many instances when they've stayed with us that have shown me this. DH doesn't really admit to it - I think he doesn't want to upset them. I don't want to upset them either but I'd just be on pins at work worrying. What would you do?

OP posts:
LittleMisscantbewrong · 09/07/2010 14:47

I wouldn't really want them too either. I would have to make plans that involved all of you, maybe stress how much you want to spend time with them too while they're staying. Would m-i-l be happy with maybe just taking the baby out in the pram for a little while?

GeekOfTheWeek · 09/07/2010 14:49

YANBU

Your childrens needs should come before the wants of grandparents. The drinking is a big no no imo.

grapesandmoregrapes · 09/07/2010 14:52

I wouldn't trust someone of that age to look after my DC, regardless of how healthy they are! Also the drinking would be a big no no. I don't allow anyone who looks after my DC to drink around them.

My ex FIL once tried to get DD1 out of her carseat when she was being driven by ex MIL, he suggeseted giving her Ice Tea at 3mo, and thought we would just put her carseat on the floor of the minibus he hired for our holiday because of these things I willl never leave my DC alone with him. Although he is a lovely person, he doesn't understand what it takes to be resposnible for a child.

cockles · 09/07/2010 14:57

No way. Assume you are at work while they're visiting? Tell them you don't want to upset the kids' routine or something & send to your parents as usual? And remind them just how exhausting it is looking after two under-threes? Then maybe your dp could take a bit of time off and spend it with all of them. I wouldn't expect anybody however sober of those ages to look after two under threes all day.

pranma · 09/07/2010 15:18

I am 66 and dh is 74 and tbh though I do look after dgc alone a lot and sometimes with dh I wouldnt fancy leaving him to do it [and nor would he].Neither of us smokes or drinks,we live in a bungalow and are in reasonable health but stil......How fast could he move if necessary?Would he nod off over the crossword or get engrossed in cricket?
YADNBU

Original poster
Abihattie · 09/07/2010 15:44

Thanks for your replies. It's given me the confidence to say no to this. I just wish that they would admit it's too much for them to cope with but they won't. I'm still battling the issue of them taking eldest DC out in their car! I've managed to avoid it so far. I don't mean to sound like a horrible DIL - I want them to be able to enjoy their grandchildren but I need to know that they're safe.

OP posts:
ginnybag · 09/07/2010 15:53

YADNBU!

Drink problems (and if your FIL regularly starts in on the spirits early in the day, that's what this is) and small children are a no-go, regardless of the age of the person involved.

An elderly man whose likely to be half-cut and an elderly woman whose known to be not-great on her feet are not what you want with two whirling dervish toddlers. You aren't being cruel - just realistic.

If you were saying 'no, you can't stay or see your GC' that would be ureasonable, but you aren't. Stick to your plans for childcare, or perhaps take a day off and all go out but I wouldn't be leaving them with sole charge. If, God forbid, something happened, they simply wouldn't be able to respond effectively.

2rebecca · 09/07/2010 16:10

Agree with all above. The safety of your kids comes before the wants of relatives. They sound unsafe. Not sure I'd even want someone who starts drinking on a morning in my house with kids if other people supervising them let alone to have them supervising my kids.
A fally over granny and a grandad with a drink problem aren't a good combination.

pagwatch · 09/07/2010 16:22

YANBU if they are personally incapeable but it is silly to cite age as if it can determine someone ability to cope.

My mum is 76 and alert, energetic, sensible and capeable. I would leave a baby with her in a heartbeat. And people like Miriam Stoppard, Judi Dench, Robert Winston and Clint Eastwood would probably be sensible enough too.
Being 76 does not mean you are def going to be doddery and incapeable.

But it sounds as though your ILs don't sound terribly capeable so I would say no in those circumstances.

LuluF · 09/07/2010 16:23

YANBU - I wouldn't leave them either. My ILs just can't move that fast, and I know that they'd be horribly offended - but that's the way it is. I did leave DD2 with FIL once when she was about 6 months old. I came back to find him nodding off beneath his copy of The Telegraph and DD2 had trashed the room and then got herself back in the playpen.

And my cousin when he was about 5, waited for my Grandma to go upstairs on her stair lift and then turned the stair lift off at the socket, leaving her trapped upstairs while he went to play in the road.

It's just not worth the worry for you and it'll be so tiring for them.

giddly · 09/07/2010 16:27

Now that would be an interesting babysitting circle, pagwatch

giddly · 09/07/2010 16:28

That is one of the funniest things I've heard in ages LuluF

pagwatch · 09/07/2010 16:28

Except you know what Judi gets like when she's been at the gin.....

LuluF · 09/07/2010 16:29

The stair lift incident? It was rather funny (not sure my Grandma would've laughed at the time, though).

giddly · 09/07/2010 16:30

Yes - I'm sure he went far.

Highlander · 09/07/2010 16:45

we've been through this.

It is entirely normal for your DH to be in denial about your ILs age and associated frailty, so you'll have to be a bit hard-nosed about denying them sole care, including babysitting at night.

I used to tell Dh that his aprents were just 'too frail' to look after the DSs. He got a bit upset if I mentioned that they were 'old' or 'not capable'. Frail seemed a bit kinder.

If anything happens to your childrfen when in the care of inappropriate adults, then it is your judgement SS or the HV will question..........

muffint · 09/07/2010 18:23

Fortunately for us, my MIL (aged 70 something) was aware of her limitations - she knew she wouldn't be able to catch DD if she ran off whilst out and about. She often looks after her (and has done from 18 months) but only in the confines of the house and garden and only for a couple of hours. I leave games for them to play - e.g. animal dominos etc and they have a great time whilst we slip out to the shops for a short while. DD really enjoys the attention she gets and she also opens up with Nana - telling her all her news, once we've gone. I probably wouldn't leave the baby - perhaps saying, she has a complex routine of feeding and sleeping but would let them feel they were helping by having older DC for an hour. I think if FIL is a drinker, he's most likely to fall asleep, leaving MIL to have a bit of quality time with DC1. Good luck xx

Numberfour · 09/07/2010 20:17

YADNBU. PPs have given extremely valuable insight and reasons. I am only posting to validate their input

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