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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think our family plans are private.

44 replies

Momdeguerre · 09/07/2010 11:49

We have two DC and have not yet decided whether to try for a third.

My SIL has two and DH is one of two. I am one of four. SIL seems to be on some sort of campaign to dissuade us from having another child. Comments range from - it is impssible to holiday with 3 DC, you will have to buy new house/car (not true IMO) to suggestion that the world is overpopulated and we should really only replace ourselves and people who want more are greedy.

She topped it yesterday by asking me if I was taking contraception!

DH thinks she is just nosey and laughs it off. I have already told her we are undecided and that DH and I will reach our own decision but she can't leave it alone. I did wonder if she wanted a third herself but she says not.

I know I could just tell her to bog off but it will no doubt cause a drama. Just have no idea why she is so obsessed with my family plans.

Funny thing is that she is not the only person who seems to assume that two children is ideal. AIBU to assume 3 DC is not that weird, or uncommon and life would not stop with three?

OP posts:

emy72 · 09/07/2010 12:30

We have 4 and my MIL did this after we had our third.

We have a fairly civilised relationship but I did snap at her and asked "why are you so obsessed with our procreation plans?" in a rather annoying tone. She never asked since.

She wasn't too impressed with n.4 and started on the line of questioning again. It's only when we asked her to come and babysit as DH was having a vasectomy that she stopped asking lol.

I would seriously say something though.

valiumSingleton · 09/07/2010 12:32

Her interest is a little obsessive. On the one hand she supposedly thinks two is ideal, but if that were really the case, she wouldn't have her ears out on sticks waiting for news. If she honestly thought two was the norm and the ideal then I think she wouldn't think twice about your family plans. She'd assume you were done. But she is definitely not assuming that you're done! She is so curious she asked if you were preventing it!! She needs to know quite badly! She wants to resent you, judge you or be jealous of you. ONe of those.

Original poster

Momdeguerre · 09/07/2010 12:37

She has not yet been steralised and her DH is a rather lovely meek chap and I seriously doubt he would say no to anything she wanted but, you never know the dynamics of someones else's relationships so, maybe?

OP posts:

WoTmania · 09/07/2010 12:43

YANBU

I have 3. The number of friends we have who don't want children I think means that we can nab a few of their quota

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 09/07/2010 12:45

I think you hit the nail on the head with the girl thing..... She doesn't want you to have a third in case it's a girl...

WoTmania · 09/07/2010 12:47

oh and why will it mean a bigger house and car? We have the same car we had when we had but 2 DC and the same house (3 bed terrace) so unless you have 2DDs/DSs and a 2 bed home surely you won't have to move up a house size?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 09/07/2010 12:48

My MIL told us that "normal" people have 2 DC's!!! After DC3 was born she loudly proclaimed "I hope you won't be doing that again". DC4 was born 2 years later . OP try telling your SIL that contraception isn't a problem at the moment as your DH has erectile dysfunction and can she suggest anything to help with the problem!! I expect she might shut up then.

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2010 12:49

TBH I have a similar but different problem. I am an only child (but mum would have liked two). She has one sister, and I have two cousins on that side - so all pairs.
And yet when i asked "what do you think i do with all the baby stuff?" after dd she said "keep it for no 3?"
i was amazed -assumed she'd assume (correctly) that we were stopping at 2.

carocaro · 09/07/2010 12:52

I just think people are pissing nosey in general eg: where are you going on holiday, why are you at SAHM, what does your husband do, are you trying to loose weight etc etc.

Piss off and mind your own business.

Original poster

Momdeguerre · 09/07/2010 13:09

All good advice.

I get the feeling generally that we are somehow odd in considering three. Since when did two become the acceptable number? I love having two but feel I want another.

We have a three bed, good jobs, and the finances in place for three or four children if we chose to continue.

OP posts:

ClenchedBottom · 09/07/2010 13:15

Try grossing her out a bit. If she asks you again anything about contraception, look surprised and a bit 'ewww' and say that you're surprised that she's so interested in her brother's sex life.....

Is she a younger or older sister?

WoTmania · 09/07/2010 13:17

Just beware - if you go for another you'll get 'oh, so you're trying for a girl then' 'do you think you'll have another one if you don't get your girl?'. and when you say 'oh no another boy would be lovely' (I only wanted boys although DD is fab and I wouldn't change her now) the smile at you in a condescending manner that says 'you're lying. of course you want a girl'.

kickassangel · 09/07/2010 13:24

i'd be tempted to say 'oh yes, we're dying to have more. in fact, we're at it like bunnies. he wants to outdo the duggars, so it's in, out, in, out every opportunity. he's not shy, we do it over the kitchen sink as i get dinner, even if the kids are watching. feel free to call round for a cup of tea anytime if you want to chat to him.'

Firawla · 09/07/2010 13:30

I would just tell her mind your own business, you will have as many as you want
she does sound a bit jealous and maybe the girl theory mentioned could be the case...
I have found some people in society presuming that I would want to stop at two but I have no idea why? People are like "oh two is plenty" and seem suprised if people want more, which I find really strange as I dont think 3 or 4 is out of the ordinary at all. I dont see why you would need a big car/house just for 3 children a lot of people manage with what they have got, and if you did need it then im sure you and dh are capable of sorting it out what is it to her? She sounds quite rude

mumoffourgirls · 09/07/2010 13:31

Tell her it none of her bloody business how many kids you have and just because she only wants 2 doesnt mean everyone else is wrong for wanting and having more...

Stillcounting · 09/07/2010 13:59

Oh dear Mondequerre - she certainly does sound insensitive - you must have the patience of a saint

[wracks brain]

Trying to think positively - may be - just may be - she sees you and her as a "team" with two each and everything hunky dory - and sort of looks up to you and wants everything to stay the same

or - is this about currying favour with grandparents?

or - no - I give up - she is obviously a bit bonkers

On a more general point, in our neck of the woods anyway, there may have been a bias towards 2.5 dc a decade or so ago, but larger families seem to be quite usual nowadays ....

Violet5 · 09/07/2010 14:32

I'm expecting number 6 soon and one of my children is severly disabled and one has ASD, but the others are all well and we couldn't be happier.
I think some people make comments out of jealousy as i wouldn't comment on other peoples life choices as long as any child they bring into the world is well cared for and loved.
Haha i can hardly remember just having 3, i didn't find going from 2 to 3 any harder but we're all different. Going from 5 to 6 is proving tricky though as we'll no longer fit in a 7 seater.

I think sil sounds a bit bonkers, or a bit jealous or both. I find best way to deal with people like that is with a big smile, i just humour them these days

Original poster

Momdeguerre · 09/07/2010 17:27

Older sister.

Can't wait to try some of these out!

I suppose she can be a bit mad. She loves to bash my school choices too as they are different from hers.

We are not really close other than in the physical sense as we live in the same village so I doubt this is about any sense of kinship. I know MIL would like us or them to have a DD but I have never heard her make any issue of it. Perhaps she has put pressure on SIL?

OP posts:

RobynLou · 09/07/2010 17:33

my parents had three, and had a normal car and normal holidays and it was never a big deal at all.
I reckon she ecretly wants three herself and is really trying to convince herself its a bad idea, not you!

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