to get pissed off with my mother declaring I'm a crap parent...

[Alambil]

in a roundabout way...

she thinks she's right all the time and that pisses me off.

Lewis, tell her to piss off and ignore her. IIRC, she isn't such a perfect parent herself so she wouldn't recognise a really good mother.

For what it's worth, I really do think you are doing a fantastic job. I'd be really proud of you if you were my mum.

I did - she told me to grow up and stop acting 17

Well, for a 17 year old you have more sense then her.

oh apparently I should just "take it all on board" and "learn from it - H does" (who is a 39 year old first time mum who courts my mother's advice - fuck knows why, tbh...)

apparently because H takes it all on board about her 14m old son, I should too

Mums told me "I laughed at you today - you screamed at (DS) to calm down"

Yes. I did. I admit it - but I shouted because he was throwing things and stamping around making a royal noise and to speak to him would meant he would ignore it, claiming "I didn't hear you"

So yes, I shouted - big fucking deal.

Apparently also, DS confides in her about how he hates me doing x or y or z.

She's had a go at me for being awake at 2am. Ignoring the fact that I CAN NOT sleep before roughly 3am due to insomnia - I could go and lie awake in my room, if it'd make her happy.... but I'd rather not, it is boring as fuck.

so that's a problem apparently and DS has reported he doesn't like it (how the fuck he knows is beyond me - he sleeps from 8pm and doesn't wake up, so clearly shes making that up)

Well, ds is your son, not your father. You are the parent and you decide what time you go to sleep, no one else. You are the parent, you choose how to parent your son. You find what works for you and sod everyone else. I think your mother's controlling and needs to let go of the apron strings. Don't allow her to control you, she's being a diva to make you do as she wishes. Sod that! You are doing a great job.

FFS mothers can piss u off..ignore,ignore,ignore!

Your mother needs to learn to stop hurling unwelcome, uninvited advice at you. She clearly thinks her way is the only way to bring up children (well, thank god she was finally born in the 20th century, think of all the generations of human being who've been struggling on through history without her ). She sounds completely unsympathetic to your situation (insomnia, frustration when DS misbehaves) and probably has a rose-tinted view of what she was like as a mother.

How mad to presume that her mothering advice is so priceless that you should take it all on board - does she think you're an imbecile? Nobody leaves their brain at the door just because they've given birth.

Just a small tip which you may/ may not have already tried - don't know how old your DS is (mine's 3 and does similar thing to what you wrote about) - I find that it's often (not always - sigh) more effective when I remember to go up to him, bend down to his level, hold his arm, look him in the eye and tell him calmly but firmly what I want him to do. Also, like you I'm up late (though not insomniac) - do you find your DS harder to manage when you're tired (which I presume is all the time)? I bloody do.

The worrying thing from what you say in your last post is that she seems to be willing to drive a wedge between you and your son. You really have to nip that in the bud. Whilst we would all like our kids to have good relations with their grandparents that does not extend to her trying to undermine you.

You must nip that in the bud rather than just ignore.

Don't know your back story but when she says something about learning from it etc can't you just respond with "Mother, I am confident in my parenting choices and don't need to be told what to do" (or such like) and just repeat.

Would drive me nuts being told to 'learn from it'

"does she think you're an imbecile?"

Yes, I actually think she does.

I had DS at 19, I was married to the bloke that abused me - she thinks I'm stupid.

She keeps telling people (in my company) that my sister is doing it "the right way" - getting married and then trying to have a child.... and "how proud" they are of her getting married and "I just want to show her off".

She truly has a problem with me being a single parent. She does. She denies it, but she does - deep down. She HATES it. She thinks it's something to be ashamed of and ashamed I am NOT.

Speedy, Ds is nearly 8 and he is dyspraxic which means he struggles with his nightly homework and seems to be uber emotional, which I think is a symptom of the condition....

he is different in the holidays.

She has a scarily limited view on life. How about the fact that, being such a perfect mother, she's systematically destroying her relationship with you? Is this also the brilliant example of parenting that she thinks you should follow?

I'm sure she tells you all this stuff because deep down she genuinely loves and wants the best for you. But on the good/ bad communicator scale I'd say she's inept.

Lewis - re your DS, okay very different from my situation then. Don't know if that (supernanny) tip on going to his level would help. But your mother really isn't helpful at all.

the worst thing is, if I didn't speak to her - I'd speak to no other adult other than on a thursday at church group...

I REALLY want to distance myself from her but it is just so hard

I went 4 days without seeing her or speaking to her on the phone recently - she rang me declaring I was in a strop and needed to snap out of it. Fact was, I just didn't want to talk to her.

She's got a right martyr complex too and is probably slightly toxic, but HOW do I break from it when I have no other friends or help with ds? if she wasn't my babysitter, I'd never go out - there is no-one else I can ask.

You need to distance yourself though. Needing an adult conversation isn't worth all the crap she puts you through. I'd say she needs you just as much, especially if she's nagging if you don't call her.
Have you made any friends between the mum's at school? Neighbours?

I'm off to bed, I'll read and nag you in the morning.

Reading between the lines...am I right in assuming that you've never properly stood up for yourself to her? E.g. like digging's suggestion?

Got to go to bed, I'm afraid, but I'll come back to this thread. Night.

no, I've never stood up to her - try and you're told "I'd NEVER speak to MY mother like that - show me some respect" etc.

She thinks I'm 12.

I'm 27 for fuck's sake!

Are there any dyspraxia support or parents' groups you could get involved with? Could you manage a paid babysitter in the school holidays when your DS is calmer and easier to manage? Could you invite a couple of the people you know from church group over one evening? I think you've hit the nail on the head in that the crux of your problem is that you don't have enough other adults in your life to talk to so that your mother ends up becoming altogether too central to your day-to-day life. If you can fix that (a big if, admittedly) then she won't be a better mother but it will matter less to you.

I will when I'm working, prof - I'm going to severly distance us from her then, but it's hard on benefits because affording to go out etc is nigh on impossible.

she is too central, it's true

I swear, if I had a fella and a job, I'd not need her at all!

but alas, I have neither!

'that my sister is doing it "the right way"

WOW that would piss me off sooo much...as others have said you really need to widen your circle of friends...but ignore works...and that not just being in a room and putting up with her shit...but actively not being around her...who give s a fuck if she thinks you are in a strop?...you are busy...not being around a person who pisses you off!

I'll ring you Lewisfan!

Of course you mother is right...she is a loon.

Seriously, you need to put a bit of distance between yourself and her so you can regain your perspective. She's not being at all nice to you and unfortunately (but understandably) you're reacting to this.

Can you find other places to go as well as the church group eg Surestart Children's Centres (and events they arrange) or the library. My local sports centre does soft play one morning a week for a couple of quid. All are very good places for meeting new friends.

One you do this I think your self-esteem will improve and you will be able to deal with your mother in a more detached way. When she speaks to you like she does you'll be able to keep calm.

How old is your DS?

If you feel you are able, talk to your DS about Grandma. I would suggest to tell him that she sometimes does and says things that are strange, particularly about you, but that's how she is, you can't change her. Tell him that if he doesn't like what he hears to tell Grandma to stop saying it. Say Grandma thinks she is right all the time but she is not, so have a think about what she tells you and decide for yourself whether it's true and if in doubt come ask your Mum.

Oh the first time mum courts her advice because you mum has set herself up as being the oracle who knows everything. Perhaps the friend is very unsure of herself and your mum is filling in the gaps?

AND it sounds like you mum is projecting her own feelings onto you. She's accusing you of having a strop because she herself is having a strop as you didn't call/visit her when she wanted you to?

Buy her 'the good granny guide'

It has much advice for how grandparents can

come to terms with the fact that they are no longer in control

follow the parents guidelines, especially on talking about Sex God and Death

• and discipline

be a good grandparent, support the parent as well as the toddler

understnad that sometimes, it's the parent who is more upset than the child during crying /tantrums etc

it is a good book, I gave it to my control freak mother and to my surprise she has tkaen some of it on board. Mind you, there is still work to do as she has tendency to toddler behaviour herself !!

Poor you! I find it really hard being relaxed around my Mum, I feel I'm being watched and assessed and as a result mess up!! It's exhausting and I'm not around mine anywhere as much as you are round yours. The sister thing is tough too as sometimes it feels like my Mum tries to drive a wedge between us by saying stuff about one of us to the other one which is always hurtful. And there is some advice that feels wrong but my Mum wants me to make the same mistakes as she did, just to justify her parenting!
My sister has perfectly ambivilant "Mmmm", followed by either talking to her children or offering a coffee - try it!!

Do fin somewhere else to go and meet people. More activities with the church? An adult education course (usually subsidised if you are on benefits) some voluntary work?

Now on tip, if your son won't listen, don't shout; try to whisper instead. It might make him so intrigued that he comes closer and quieter to hear. (It has worked for me with a class of 30 teenagers, so its worth a try.)

What help is your son gettng with his dyspraxia? He probably is very very tired after school. So do pick your fights carefully, don't stress the unimportant stuff, and good luck!