to dread going on holiday with pregnant SIL

[SeaLegs]

DH & I are due to go on holiday with his family at the end of August, and we all havent seen each other since Xmas.
SIL will be 8 months pg.

DH & I have been TTC for several years now and had a mc last November, which IL's know about.
SIL's pregancy is a "happy accident" . Although very happy for her, DH & I were a little upset when we found out she was pg.

I havent seen her since she got pg, and I'm dreading seeing her bump. Family will no doubt be causing a lot of fuss over SIL and the new addition (rightly so!).
I'm also dreading their Q's about DH & I's attempts.

His other SIL has a DS and is very "I know best" and will be offering me her words of wisdom on conception, which I really don't want to hear (she got pg first month of trying)

Am I worrying too much?
Am I being very selfish & childish

I would ask your husband to have a quiet word to remind them that you are still a bit raw about the miscarriage and could do withot any questions about ttc etc.

I'm sorry about you losing the baby.

YANBU to dread going on holiday.

I do hope she doesn't lord it up over you, particularly about the "accident" thing - FFS there is nothing more annoying that someone who goes on about how easy it was to conceive to someone who has had trouble (or in fact to anyone, because you never know).

I dont mean casually mentioning it in context before anyone gets defensive, but some people seem to really enjoy making sure you know just how quick and easy it was for them - my mother is one of these people. She knows I know she conceived straight away with me and my brother and one in between which she lost - yet she still tells me every time she sees me.

Sorry about your loss. Before we had our 2 DC we had 3 miscarriages so I can understand how you feel. I admit I used to get a bit seeing pregnant women, especially in work as I could hear people asking questions about the pregnancy/baby etc which is obviously just normal but inside I was thinking 'please can I move seats so that I don't need to hear this'
Agree with Portia that you should maybe speak to your DH and ask him to let them know that its not really something you want to discuss.
WRT your SIL, I know it will be tough but you won't be spending every minute with her so just try and relax and when people do start chatting about her pregnancy, if its too much for you then just take a walk somewhere with DH.
Hope you manage to enjoy your hols.

I'm so sorry about your mc. I've been there too and for a long while found it really hard to be with pregnant people. I agree with everyone else that it is important that your DH understand how you feel and that he help get you out of uncomfortable conversations. perhaps he can also help get you some time together away from everyone else

Agree with Portia. Get your DH to have a strong word with them beforehand and make it clear that you don't want to be subjected to any "advice" however well meaning. They will probably already be aware that you will be feeling a bit sad about things and will keep the baby gushing to a minimum (unless of course, they are very cruel, insensitive or crude in which case I would have no hesitation in cancelling the holiday!)

So sorry for your loss.

You're not being unreasonable - I would have backed out completely of going (I'm in a very similar situation to you).

Don't feel ashamed of how you feel, don't feel like you're unreasonable or irrational because you hurt like hell. Infertility is crap, miscarriage is even worse.

My SiL is trying for a kid too... I'm dreading the inevitable and bracing myself mentally, and when it happens I'll probably be strategically unavailable for family things to be honest - so you're braver than me!

I have DS(4) and have had 3 mc since he was born. I've now given up any hope of him having any siblings.

Now, I appreciate I may be very ODD here but I have no idea of when they would have been born, no recollection of dates of conception or anything, there literally is no point what so ever in recording any of that IMO, it would only give me one more thing to be sad about, and I really don't need it.

When my Sis got PG, herself after a loss at the same time as my last MC, I was delighted for her. She wants more, not sure if they are TTC or not.

It wouldn't ever occur to me to feel anything other than happiness for my family or inlaws.

My best friend got pg a month after my last loss, was I sad?, absolutely not.

Did it make me think about what might have been, of course it did, but Would I sit there thinking dark thoughts about my relatives that ARE pg? NO, and certainly never enough to actually take them to task over it.

OK so I've not been lucky, since having DS, and will probably now never be, but why on earth would I have the audacity to in any way impact my sister/sil's pregnancy.

The way I look at it is that there is a reason why the PGs were not viable, that it's for a reason and this is why we never tell before 3m. If it's a significantly late loss, then it's another issue, but we have to face facts that not all eggs will work, not all pgs will go full term.

FWIW, I'm sure she IS highly conscious of your loss and I wouldn't expect her to lord it over you.. if she did, I'd be the first to suggest 'having a strong word' but to go and have a strong word in advance of them doing anything? That's surely not on!

I appreciate you are in a difficult place, but that is no reason for you to impact the joy of others. How would YOU like it, if when you do get PG for someone to come up to YOU and tell you to keep a lid on it?

Sorry, I don't mean to come over too harsh, really I don't, but you have to be philosophical about this and you have to move on. Your SIL has every right to be happy in her 8th month, and hopefully one day soon you will be too.

LMHF, I'm glad for you that you are immune to envy in this sort of situation. But most people are not. And stopping feeling envious isn't something people can just magically do.

...and there we have just the comment that makes you feel 100 times worse for what you're feeling. Totally unhelpful.

Most of us smile sweetly, express joy and delight at pregnancy announcements, smile at people bringing newborns in - then quietly disappear and go and sob our hearts out in the ladies. That's not unreasonable - that's just grief and it's normal. We don't sit there trying to damp and remove the joy from others' lives - we just try to keep our heads down, plod on quietly and try to stay out of the way - to try to save some of our own feelings.

Infertilty and miscarriage are incredibly cruel - they very much can feel like they're sucking your ability to empathise with humanity away from you. There are too many nasty people who will tell you to "get over it" to "rejoice in others' children" that "that's life, move on" - but it's grief, you grieve for the children you've lost, you grieve for the children you may never have, you grieve for your hopes and visions of the future - you get on with life as best you can, but when we are at the base of it - a species and therefore exist to produce new members of our species - it's so hard to avoid fully that circle of life malarky. Doesn't mean it hurts less, doesn't mean that it's easier - the hurt's real and sadly, from wht I gather, it doesn't really get much easier - an infertile friend is now hitting the age where her friends become grandparents. You really can't understand the pain unless you're there - it's like that horrible gnawing relentless pain of toothache, but deep inside your heart - and nothing really gives you any long term relief.

The OP is better than me that they're emotionally capable of even considering going on the holiday. I cope by shutting myself away as best I can, avoiding situations where I'm around baby-talk, new arrivals or pregnancy talk (I don't even swim anymore because the lane swim times coincide with mum and baby swim times in the other pool so there are loads in the changing room) - I wouldn't have been able to face it. If you're dreading the holiday - that's natural, you're entitled to feel like that - don't feel like you have to hide away in shame because of what you're feeling - you're a great person to be able to think of going along and putting a brave face on it.

I find it deeply hypocritical on here that those who've lost children are treated with kid gloves and allowed to express the same kind of un-socially acceptable thoughts that some of us feel - yet those fighting with miscarriage and infertility are told to suck it up, that they're being bitter, twisted, jealous or whatever. I've seen it happen a few times and it makes me feel really really angry about how pathetic women can be if you don't slot neatly into the wife/mother box.

You are NOT being unreasonable. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel - don't let people like that nasty woman who posted after me make you feel bad about yourself. You're stronger than I am, and probably stronger than you imagine and you will get through it all.

Sealegs i'm sorry for your loss, i just wanted to say i've been on the other side of this situation and i would hope your SIL will be sensitive and not intentionally upset you.

If she is anything like me she will be worrying that she hasn't upset you. I felt really conscious and aware of my huge bump all the time.

It is not unreasonable to feel how you are feeling but also it is not unreasonable for your SIL to enjoy this special time. I suppose you both just have to find a way to make it work.

I'm really happy to say my SIL is now 26 weeks pregnant after lots of IVF and losing four babies at around 22 weeks, they've been to hell and back but i'm praying this time will be their happy ending.....I hope you get yours

sealegs i totally get how you feel - we spent years trying for dd, including ivf. it is so horribly painful, and made so much worse when other people are happily producing kids. it is awful.

you wouldn't be totally unreasonable to not go - i sort of started avoiding babies after a while, and i know others who've done the same.

i think it's important to draw the line between envy (where you wish it could be you) and jealousy (where you spitefully want to take away their happy news). it is entirely natural to feel envious.

if the other sil starts making comments, ask her what her qualifications are, when she last trained at an infertility clinic, what certificates does she have. or get dh to draw her aside & tell her that the subject is OFF LIMITS.

there's a big difference between people being happy over an imminent arrival, and others sticking their nose in & telling you what they think.

fwiw, people are no more sensitive once you get pregnant/have a child etc. it doesn't matter what the topic is, some people are just insensitive.

LMHF - 'It wouldn't ever occur to me to feel anything other than happiness for my family or inlaws.

My best friend got pg a month after my last loss, was I sad?, absolutely not.'

Tha's nice for you but I doubt most people who have experienced what the OP is going through will feel similar to you. Anybody who goes through a loss like that is entitled to feel sad.

I know that everyone has their own opinions but I think you have been quite harsh and tbh quite patronising to the OP. You are pretty much telling her to forget her natural feelings and be nothing but happy for her SIL. I'm sure on some level she is happy for her but she cannot disregard her own emotions which IMO are completely normal for someone having gone through what she has.

She won't be 'impacting the joy of others' FFS what a thing to say. She'll probably just sit there smiling and nodding along while inside she'll be hurting so much.

emptyshell - agree with everything you said