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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have asked for it back?

52 replies

AngelHMum · 08/07/2010 14:21

This is a bit of a long story so sorry before I begin.

When my husband and I married we gave each of our mothers an engraved locket and each of our fathers an engraved fountain pen, they had our names and the date of our marriage on them.

My husband's parents died six years ago very close together and very suddenly. His dad died first and after the funeral his mum gave my husband the fountain pen back saying she though we should have it.

His mum died a month later and my brother in law took all her jewellery "for safe keeping".

My husband's brother and sister then proceeded to carve up belongings between them and their children cutting my husband out. We didn't need or want anything anyway and they had teenage children off to uni or setting up homes. Our children are a lot younger than theirs.

A charm bracelet his mum had was kept by his sister - fair enough but the charms were taken off and split between my husband's neices and nephews leaving our children out. One of the nieces got two charms because she couldn't decide between them and our daughter didn't get a single one.
I know that probably sounds churlish on my part but it really upset me.

Anyway, my brother in law asked my husband about our locket and was it something we'd like. We said yes, especially as our daughter missed out on a charm. Brother in law said he'd bring the locket up next time he saw us. He didn't and since then he has avoided meeting us at family events ie if we go he doesn't.

We have asked him to send the locket by post to us but he says he doesn't want to trust Royal Mail.

Next month this saga will have been going on for seven years. I am fed up and would like the locket returned. I have bought a Royal Mail Special Delivery bag and had the postage pre-paid on it. I would like to send it to my brother in law and say please return the locket in this and we will take responsibility.

My husband thinks we should leave it for a quiet life and forget about it, but our daughter has no keepsake from her grandma and I feel my brother and sister in law have both been very selfish.

I don't want a heap of gold or a huge diamond, just a small silver locket that my daughter can treasure.

Am I being petty here, should I let it go or is it the principle that matters?

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Quality · 08/07/2010 15:56

YANBU or petty imo, your BL is though, twunt.

Lucy85 · 08/07/2010 15:56

Ooo that's a marvellous idea. Well done Mojo!

solo · 08/07/2010 15:57

I would do it face to face and unexpected. Yes you'll need to be brave, but I'd have to do it.

Last bank holiday I lost a 18kt gold pendant and chain. The pendant was amethyst and diamond, not hugely valuable, but I'd scarcely had it off my neck in 9 years. I'd put my Grandmothers/Dads(it was passed down to Dad) 24kt gold wedding band on it when my Dad died last year. I lost it in the supermarket and I got the ring back(huge relief), but never got the other back. It was sentimental to me because my Mum, Dad and I had chosen it together when we were abroad. If I ever saw someone wearing it, I'd confront them absolutely and I am not a confrontational person at all. The point being; It is mine and I can't replace it.

Original poster
AngelHMum · 08/07/2010 16:31

No - the aproximate weight is given to the post office beforehand and that's checked at the sending end. I weighed a piece of my own jewellery to get a between x & y estimate for the pre-pay cost.

It's still possible that he could not even take it to a post ofice - just chuck an empty envelope in the post box, but if he did then at least we'd know we were never going to see it again for whatever reason.

It's not knowing why that gets me - if he came out and said "Sorry I've lost it" or "the dog ate it" or "I gave it to my own daughter" or even "I just don't like you and I'm doing this to be spiteful because I can" any explanation would be better than ignoring us.

I just thought that sending an envelope would be impersonal he wouldn't have to face us with an excuse and we may, just may get the locket back.

OP posts:
solo · 08/07/2010 17:21

Oh I don't know then. I'd do face to face as it'd be harder for him.
I do hope you get it back anyway. Good luck.

FindingMyMojo · 08/07/2010 17:40

from his past behaviour wouldn't he just ignore you again if you posted the envelope?

I'm getting more annoyed with your DH for not just going "Look Bro give me the locket NOW please, or explain to my why you can't"

Good luck - hope you win this battle which ever way you fight it.

Psammead · 08/07/2010 18:12

Keep us up-to-date on this one! I'd like to know the outcome, and I wish you luck.

FakePlasticTrees · 08/07/2010 20:35

I'd go with the 'special event for DD' option - does she have something important going on in the next few months you could have to have it for?

Zoedee · 09/07/2010 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarmyArmy · 09/07/2010 13:00

I agree with these suggestions to try and get it back. One thing I would add, any anger or annoyance on his part is most likely actually just anger with himself for (a) having let it go on so long; or (b) annoyance at having lost the darn thing and having been shown up for it.

It sounds a horrible situation and I think your OH should support you a bit more than he appears to be at the moment.

pranma · 09/07/2010 15:27

I think you should arrange a visit to his home [stay in a b&b if needed]and ask for it outright.
I had a similar experience[too long for here] and that is what I did.It worked.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 09/07/2010 16:04

Send the envelope.

olderandwider · 09/07/2010 16:42

Obviously he no longer has it and feels guilty. Tis a shame, but I would just buy your DD something nice in its place. You could get it inscribed with something suitable like, "Sorry your thieving uncle took the original. Hope this will do instead." In Latin. As a private, bitter joke.

Tortington · 09/07/2010 16:46

if you've got the balls for it - keep on needling him.

tell him that you will pay for the 'signed for' service with the royal mail. that once posted you can track the letter or parcel online right down to the doorstep signature.

Original poster
AngelHMum · 09/07/2010 19:36

Well I gained some confidence from so many of you thinking that I wasn't being petty and that it should be returned if possible.

So I have sent the envelope with a note politely asking that it's returned as soon as possible and explaining that the return parcel will be tracked so should be perfectly safe.

I sent it requiring a signature so I'll know it has arrived. If he has any conscience whatsoever then we should have the parcel next week.

If it doesn't come back then it looks like a face to face confrontation may have to happen. Hopefully it won't come to that and this way my brother in law can save a bit of face into the bargain.

I'll let you know what happens.

Thank you all for your advice - much appreciated.

OP posts:
Fabster · 09/07/2010 19:44

Can you do anything legally like the small claims court but for items from a passed on relative?

My nana promised me her wedding ring, my uncle said I could have it, I know I will never get it.

going · 09/07/2010 19:45

I really will be suprised if you get it back. If they still had it I would think they would return it to you after 7 years. Can't understand why they wouldn't give it to you just to keep you off their backs if they still had it.

I do think you are being very reasonable wanting it back.

SparkOfSense · 09/07/2010 20:16

Well, hopefully you will have a special present for your DD's birthday.

Original poster
AngelHMum · 19/07/2010 13:18

Well, well, well !!!

The envelope arrived back today - with the locket enclosed.
Not in it's box and the chain is a bit knotted but nothing I can't fix.

It didn't arrive in time for my daughter's birthday but she can have an extra present tonight.

I had given up hope as it has been a couple of weeks since I sent the envelope. There was no note included by way of an explanation or an apology, not that I expected one, but it would have been nice to keep things cordial.

Anyway thanks for your support and I'm really glad I came here and asked, otherwise I'd probably still be cross about it and getting nowhere.

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 19/07/2010 13:59

Well done you!!
i've not posted on this thread before but did read it and was positively disgusted at your BIL's behaviour.

I wouldn't have let it lie either if that was me, and i'm thrilled for you and your daughter that you got it back.

Feels good to take a stand aganist crappy individuals (which i think your BIL is!) doesn't it?! well done you

char3mum · 19/07/2010 14:04

am with solo on this one good luck hun and stick to your guns

zipzap · 19/07/2010 14:17

Could you also get the sister involved - ring her up and be uber nice, ask her for her advice on how to handle BIL and what to do, that you are SO upset, he's giving you the run around, that it was bad enough that your dd didn't get a charm like the other grandchildren did, it's what your mil would have wanted (especially after she gave the fountain pen back), you haven't had any jewellery as you would have like but you're not bitter anymore.

BUT - carry on to say that BIL had said you could have the thing that should have been yours, and now he is reneging on that. As she sees him more than you (by the sounds of your posts) would she get it back from him and post it to you if you send her the Pre pay envelope?

She might just tell you to get lost. Or fob you off. But she might just say something useful like I don't know why you are still on about this because we (ie her and bil) agreed that it was going to the neice because she wanted anything and everything going, or that he has lost it or all sorts of things.

Other thing I would be tempted to do if he is avoiding you at family events - any chance you could say you were officially not going - so he was - and then be able to turn up on the day? Maybe difficult but are there any other members of the wider family that have family events that would be happy to say initially that you couldn't go so BIL does go and then deliberately forget to tell him that you have changed your mind?

misdee · 19/07/2010 14:19

I am so pleased for you

2blessed2bstressed · 19/07/2010 14:28

Yay! So glad your dd got the locket x

EmmaKateWH · 19/07/2010 17:34

I don't think you are being unreasonable to have asked for it back. I do, however, think you should let it go now. He is clearly not going to hand it over without a massive fight/stress etc. You said this has been going on for seven years - I think the time has come for you to rise above it and be the bigger person. This is particularly true since it was your dh's mum and he wants to let it go.