Not wanting MIL to spend too much time with my DD

[Ladysledge]

I don't worry at all when my 14mo DD is with my Mum, or even spends the night with her. But if my DH mentions his Mum having her for the night, I freak out and panic. I have no idea why. She's brought up 3 kids. Admittedly they have no manners and don't speak very well and they had an awful childhood but she's lovely now. Does anybody else freak out about their children going to the MIL?

PhDMum: Oh we still have our ups and downs but on the whole we have both relaxed into our roles a bit more. The one thing that remains that still really vexes me is MIL's obsession with how much food my DC's eat. DD was 5 weeks premature and so naturally was a wee little thing, and admittedly she was bit of a fussy eater when she was little. But she is fine now and DS has alwyas had a very healthy appetite. But MIL cannot let a meal pass without commenting on how little they have eaten or her following them around with a spoon trying to coax a little more into their mouths. DD is 4 now and doesn't take kindly to this, as you would imagine. I really think she expects them to eat portions the same size as an adult. It pisses me off that she takes it upon herself to do this. I am their mother, not her, and I am happy with how much they have eaten then so should she be.

It is all about control.

I am sorry to hear that it's got more intense. How old is your 2nd baby? And does your MIL have any other GC's?

Rollergirl - the food thing really rings a bell. My DD is 2, but v. grown up and independent. My MIL spoonfeeding her is particularly frustrating because my DD loves it, and uses it as an opportunity to regress and misbehave in other ways (cue MIL's disapproving look because my discipline is inadequate).

My baby DS is just 3months, so there is plenty of time yet for the dust to settle!

My MIL does have other GC, but there are 'issues' with all of them. 2 are in OZ, so the 24hr flight means she doesn't see them as often as she'd like. 1 lives the other end of the country - because my DH's sister fell out with my MIL, moved as far away as possible and cut all ties with the family when GC was a baby (she is now 14 and slowly contact is being re-established). There is one more due very soon, so hopefully when he/she is born the terrible burden of GP expectation will be spread out a bit more!

You are entirely right about it being about control. The more my MIL tries to take charge, the more I resist (and I don't like what I see in myself when I do it, but I really con't help it). If only she knew that she would get so much more from me and our family if she would just wait for it to be offered, rather than try and force it...

sorry to hijack thread lady sledge

I feel the same. MIL is nutcase nutty nutfreak.

So I don't leave my kid with her, in case the moaning self-centredness rubs off.

Can't be too careful...

I don't really like leaving my 19 month DD with my MIL either, though I do on occasion as I think she has a right to some proper time with DD. However...I am not crazy about some of her values, I find her very critical and I find that she ignores my routine (which is hardly a rigid one). It's all rather irksome but for DP's and I guess DD's sake I suck it up with all the graciousness I can muster. But I find it HARD.

PhDMum: Wow, it really is very similar. It was completely the same for me. I used to find myself backed in to a corner and feel like I wasn't the lady of the house or the mother to my child. It was very difficult for me because as I mentioned in previous post, DD was 5 weeks early. We were actually in the process of moving at the time and DH's parents helped DH with this while I was in hospital with DD for 2 weeks after the birth. Although I am immensely thankful for their help it meant that I came home to a new home (that MIL had put together, placed the furniture, etc) with a new baby. She then stayed for a week to "help out". So the dynamics of our relationship had already been put in place. From then on she invited herself to stay whenever she felt like it, would busy herself cleaning the house from top to bottom (despite me having a cleaner), even go and get our washing from out of our laundry basket! When I tried to broach the subject with DH he would say that I was being ungrateful. He did concede on some occassions that her behaviour was a bit weird with regards to DD but he would always take the line that he would prefer her like that then not caring atall. What does your DH think about it all?

So it was very much a battle of wills between MIL and I. As you say, the more she tried to take control the more I resisted.

The break did come with other GC's. Once my other SIL's started having children I was able to observe how they dealt with MIL. I came to the conclusion that I gave far more one-on-one access to DD than they did with their children, which at least gave me the confidence that I wasn't being out of order and that she was being manipualtive and controlling wanting more. I also realised that I had allowed her to bully me and that other SIL's were much better at managing her than I. I think perhaps their DH's (DH's brothers) were a little more aware and supportive of the situation than mine . But finally I think it was just that there were more GC's for her to lavish attention on and so it slowly got easier.

Once again, sorry for hijacking thread

I think you have done really well to negotiate a successful relationship with your MIL under those circumstances, Rollergirl.

My DH is quietly supportive, but occasionally loses his temper and tells me he is fed up of hearing about it. He will sometimes have a word with her himself about some of the stuff she does, so that it doesn't always seem like me being precious - but he doesn't really 'get' the situation IYSWIM.

I look forward to the next GC arriving and seeing how BIL and his wife get on with it all (if they sail on with no probs, I'll take notes - if they encounter similar difficulties I'll swap notes, and either way they will be taking the focus away from my brood and my hang ups!)

The worst part of the whole thing is that I swing between wanting to RUNAWAY whenever she wants to visit/have DD round to hers,to then feeling really really guilty that I am sabotaging DD's relationship with her genuinely loving granny.

I think I need to practise a bit of that all important parenting skill - mathod acting!

sorry, method acting

it's an odd one this MIL/DIL thing, i can only think it's because you know your mum did a good job and can be trusted because she raised you.

my MIL has my DD once a week (takes her out to visit family for the day), loves her to pieces and is great with her. also, if my OH and i ever wanted to go out for a meal she wouldn't mind driving up to our place and putting DD to bed for us and being there until we got home. she's a lovely woman, we get on well and i care for her alot BUT i won't let my DD stay overnight with her (they have a vicious dog that dislikes my DD and also my FIL dropped DD on her head at 6 weeks old and i still don't trust him not to do something like that again) i do let my DD stay overnight with my mum or my auntie as they raised me and i know they respect my wishes when it comes to my DD, also they are extra protective of my DD and i know it's unlikely she'll come to any harm whilst in their care.

yes, YABU (a bit) but i understand why.

if i ever have a son and he gives me grandchildren i'll make an effort to have a great relationship with DIL, not interfere and to offer help with GC's without being pushy. i think if that's the kind of MIL you are you'll be greatly appreciated (or you'll be taken advantage of and be lumbered with the grandkids all the time as is the case with 3 of my aunties and their sons)

I think it's hard for most MILs as it was so different for them when they had kids, less information=less to stress about so they just got on with it and it 'didn't do their kids any harm'. I think, therefore, they assume we're being a bit precious when we have views on nutrition and what's acceptable for out ds/dds.
Having said that, you're very lucky you have a MIL who wants to have her GC because mine won't as she has another GS who came first so its 'only fair she looks after him?!? (she has a hierarchy of favouritism for her GCs!) Also, have witnissed her parenting skills first hand so am quite relieved - Gives GS1 his lunch (packet of Quavers) which he tips on the floor and procedes to eat like a dog but this is just 'boys being boys' i'm told ?! Yours seems to be reasonably sensible at least, so appreciate it

I do feel the same but to be honest dont like leaving my dc with anyone.. But today i have bitten the bullet and DD is staying at MIL tonight... I just know i wont sleep a wink.... but DD is really looking forward to it so i am just focusing on that.

Me and MIL do not really get on she has constantly underminded me and is very judgementsl. When dd (my first child) was born i had a horific time and nearly lost dd. DP called everyone to let them know and to say that we didn't want visitors until the next day as we were so tired and in shock... 20 mins later (not even visiting hours) curtains are pulled back and MIL walks in "Oh you know me dp I couldn't wait"... Grrrr I still couldnt move and hadn't even had shower and hadnt slept in 3 days..... She also told me there was something wrong with my milk when DS was so sick (he had reflux). Also told me DD and DS (both just below 50 centile) were fat and needed to go on a diet (aged 3 and 16 months). Grr the list goes on and on but i am being the bigger person and rising above all that...

DD loves her and she is so much better to dd than she ever was to her own children..

*judgemental...