not to give my 18mo DD more freedom?

[Bousy]

My DD is 18 months, my only child, and I'm very protective of her. We don't have a stairgate because she's never near the stairs without me. The same for child locks on cupboard doors. If I'm out of the room (having a shower etc) she's in her cot (with toys) upstairs, or her playpen downstairs. I never leave her in a room alone for more than 30 seconds, because none of the rooms are completely childproof. She doesn't really go into the kitchen at all, because the layout makes it impossible for me to do anything while keeping an eye on her.

Is this paranoid and over the top, or does this seem a reasonable approach? I'm beginning to feel bad about the amount of time she spends 'behind bars' while I'm getting her lunch etc. I don't really have any way to judge whether this is 'normal' or not, so please feel free to judge for me

DD2 is 18 months old and potters about the house most of the time. We have 3 stairgates but two flights of stairs so she does disappear from the first to the second floor regularly so has worked out how to come down by herself. She loves to slide down on her tummy - feet first - but walks down holding on to the bannisters most of the time now.

We have never used a play pen or socket covers or cupboard locks and the like. Stairgates and common sense is about as far as it goes. She can climb anything and is a real little whirlwind. Yes she falls over - and off - things but she always survives and sometimes even cries!

Yes, it is probably easier with her being the second but they were both preemies and DD1 was still basically sitting and watching the world go by at the same age so DD2 is very much a different child from her older sister.

I do think you need to start thinking about giving a bit more freedom. DP does try to mollycoddle our girls and my stock phrase is "Are you still going to do that for her when she is 14? Well, she can do it for herself so let her!" and he is getting better!

I don't think you are being that over-protective, although I can see I'm in a minority.

My ds is 19 months, and although I let him potter about without me for short periods, I would not let him up and down the stairs alone (a few steps would be ok, but not a whole staircase). Seems a bit risky for little gain to me. It's not like he won't be able to get up and down stairs alone at 5 is it?!

I also do not leave him alone in rooms for more than a minute or so. I don't think I'm being over-protective; he still has no concept of what is safe and what isn't.

When I'm looking after him I think that is my job - to ensure he doesn't come to any harm. I don't stand over him, but I make sure I am in the same room mostly.

He is a very confident and happy little boy and can play by himself.

You are the one who knows your child best and will be responding to their needs and abilities, so do what you think is most appropriate.

I do think you are being a unreasonable, what sort of thing do you worry might happen to your DD ?
I have 10 years between my oldest and youngest and having any kind of babyproofing in the house just isn't practical and stairgates don't fit on our stairs anyway. My toddler has had the run of the house since being able to crawl and regularly spends periods of time in a different room or even on a different floor to me.
Now obviously just because my child is fine doesn't mean that yours will be but as long as you take basic precautions (just been reading the thread about trailing wires etc) I'd just let her get on with things.
If you plan to have furthe children you will need to loosen up anyway.

I've never had a cot, never had a pram, never had a playpen or anything babyproofed (beyond a board made for our woodenstairs and common sense) and have the tripp trapp without the babyset and I wish sometimes I could restrain her sometimes.

I spent her first few weeks gingerly walking about our flat paranoid I'd drop her on the marble floor

get child proofing IMO. There's no way a 2 year old would be happy to be plonked in a cot or playpen several times a day (certainly not my 2 year old anyway!!) We don't really use the stair gates anymore as she is confident on the stairs, but we do have locks on the kitchen cupboards and anything she could break or hurt herself with (within reason) is out of reach.

Think you are being a little unreasonable. My daughter is only 2 and she climbs up trees, the climbing frames at the park, rolls down the banks and does all sorts. It doesnt do her any harm and I think its good for them.

I dont have any safety things at ours just the plug socket things. We do live in a flat though so no stairs.

One good tip I have with stairgates is if you have one near the bottom of the stairs but a few stairs up (say four) you can let them practice going up and down without letting them have the run of the whole staircase. With a pressure-fit gate you can often adjust where it goes to give more or less freedom.

How are your children ever going to learn about what's safe and what's not? How are you going to cope if they become really ill if you're scared they might scrape a knee?

You're not assessing risk if everything is equally risky. What a dreadful way to live for both of you

I am the other end of the spectrum to you. I leave my children all the time. to go off and have a shower or even a bath.
They carry on playing in the lounge or potter after me.
DS2 has been able to go up and down stairs, on his own, on his tummy, sliding down in all of about 4 seconds(!!) since about 10 months. now at 20 months he can walk up and down the stairs himself holding onto the handrail. this gives him freedom to go up or downstairs whenever he chooses.

what is your paranoia based on ? what are you frightened of, specifically ?

am laughing at some of the posts. like when they say they 'could' climb up onto the dining room chairs, or table. for the last 2 months, so since 18 months, ds2 comes to dinner, himself.
he's in the lounge playing with ds1. "oooookkkkkaaaayyy" I shout. he comes running into the dining room. climbs into his booster. and tries to put the tray part on. "eddy, eddy" he says which = ready. makes me chuckle under my breath. he's so sweet.
some of you need to lighten up. stop your helicopter parenting. which is inhibiting and preventing your children from having the freedom that they need to develop. you might be surprised at what sweet little gems of behaviour, they might start doing, IF YOU ALLOW THEM TO.

Wow, load more posts! Thanks everyone. Oblomov - I'm not going to list the (many) things that might happen, because I feel like that will make it more likely they will - the definition of paranoia, yes?

The message I'm taking is that, while my approach is probably not too unreasonable so far (based on my knowledge of my child/my own parenting style etc) things are going to change over the next few months and I need to change too, preferably in advance. I'm going to take the tips about stairgates and childproofing one room at a time (I think we'll need to keep some no-go areas at the moment, which just can't be made reasonably safe), and iron out any problems as we come to them.

Thanks again - it's really helpful to get some different perspectives.

Dd is 17 months she can go up and down stairs, she goes down the steps into the garden alone, She plays upstairs whilst i'm in the shower she has free run of down stairs we only have childlocks on 1 cupboard that I keep the cereal in as it's a PITA to keep clearing up porridge off the floor, all cleaning products are keep up well out of reach/climbing abilitys, yes she climbs everywhere, and yes sometimes she falls but taking risks is part of growing and learning

Bousy - make sure you only iron out your problems after DD is in bed and never leave the iron on the board unattended
Glad to hear you will relax a bit

I never used the stairgate or locks on things (but was careful to put chemicals and breakables out of reach), DS had to learn what hurt him. Such as falling down the stairs.

These days he's climbing on play equipment that is apparently "Too big for him" and I always get the tut-tutting parents watching him have a go on stuff they would never let their little princes climb on.

Mollycoddling them inhibits their natural curiosity and sense of adventure. You can allow a little more freedom, for sure.

If you do, your DD will injure herself more, will probably break a limb or bite through her tongue or end up with a few black eyes. And yes, it will be "your fault". Show up proudly at nursery with your bruised and battered child knowing that these scars are evidence that she's really living, and is now in a tiny minority amongst children in the UK.

What a child can do or not depends on the individual child. The time I listened to other experienced mums' views of what "all children this age can cope with", dd ended up unconscious in hospital and the consultant clearly did not think she was going to wake up (she did, no permanent harm done). I did not feel particularly proud of that incident: it was not about wanting my child to havge a full life, merely about not wanting to lose face in front of older mums.

What one child can do at 18 months is no guide to what another child can do- I have learnt this to my cost.

On the other hand, not letting them learn from experience is likely to end up in serious misjudgments and accidents later on- and you're going to care just as much then! Protecting your baby now is no help if it lays open dangers to your baby in 3 years time.

It is about getting to know the limits of your own child. But to do that, you need to gradually give them more and more freedom. So start slowly with one child proof room and maybe letting your dd into the kitchen. Then let her walk up the stairs. And so on and so forth. And accept that sooner or later, accidents will happen.

I have older children, and I think you do really notice the difference between the children of mums like Oblomov and those of really over-protective parents.

I've taken older children (eg 9 yos) to the park, and been shocked at how these children just can't climb things, need so much help, and are so fearful of absolutely everything. And when there have been (minor) accidents, they've really gone into panic mode. On the other hand, I've been worried that my children don't care enough about dangers! So I guess it's hard to get a balance.

Creaceaous, please don't judge. Individual children are different and it's not always to do with the parents.

I am actually a rather laidback parent but was judged for ages for being overprotective simply because my dd needed help with so many things and was incapable of doing what her friends could. A lot of the time, I let her struggle/have accidents because I was afraid of losing face. It didn't make her any better at doing things or more like other children.

At nearly 8, she was diagnosed with a disability. She will never be like other children, she will always need more help. There is no way I can be as a parent that can change that. But my confidence has really suffered by all these people jumping to conclusions about my parenting just by looking at her.

And of course, for the first 8 years of her life, every single one of my friends would have laughed at the idea of SN and said confidently that dd was perfectly NT. I thought she was NT, but I had to work with what she could do- and what she couldn't.

I had friends whom I suspected for years of babying their dd. Then she was diagnosed with Aspergers and I realised that they were not babying her: they knew what she could do and that's what they had to work with- for years before diagnosis (which I believe came as a great relief to them).

cory - I agree with creaceaous but I don't think its judging, more generalising about the differences between first time mums and those with older children.
I know people judge me for my laidback approach with my toddler but I don't mind that they have a different view to me, I have different/more experiences than them.
I'm sorry that your dd ended up having accidents because you felt judged but sometimes people do need to let up a bit and allow their children to find their own way (with appropriate background supervision)

OP

I think different people parent in different ways. I think it also depends on the baby - how much of a risk taker they are.

My DD (first baby) is 13 months and FWIW I do you think are more careful than I am.

If I am in the shower she is free to roam around all the rooms upstairs (we have a stair gate at the top of the stairs).

If I am downstairs she is free to roam around all downstairs. The stairs have a door to them which I usually remember to shut, but if I forget she often crawls upstairs. I don't worry about this too much now as she is confident and I don't think she will fall. It was different 6 weeks ago when she was wobbly.

We don't use socket covers and the usual number of wires are in their usual place. DD doesn't seem very interested in them (having had a phase of being interested - we just used to give her an unplugged wire to play with.

There have been inevitable accidents - sometimes loses her footing when climbing on/off the sofa, sometimes falls down the step in the kitchen. But so far no serious injuries.

If you don't let them explore, they can't learnt to become competent, which in the end means you have to worry about them for longer! Eg I now no longer worry too much if I leave the stair door open and DD crawls up - she is competent at it now and won't fall. If I hadn't let her practice, I would now still be really stressing about that.

It is hard to let go though. When I hear her crawling off upstairs - I still take a deep breath and say a little muttered "please god don't let her fall!"

A lot depends on how much of a headstrong risk taker your child is. My godson was a nightmare as he never stopped to think before doing anything, whereas my DD is much more cagey about taking risks and usually stops to weigh it up/asks for me to help her. My godson spent so much time in A&E!

Cory, with respect your situation is diferent and valid. turned out there was something wrong. but with the majority , the children probably aren't SN, its just over-bearing, over-precious, PFB and second born and third born, helicopter parenting.

And its getting worse. Not better.

The thing is, though Oblomov, that I quoted three situations (my own and two families whose children subsequently turned out autistic) which noone on the outside could have known were more "valid" than anybody else's. Of course, some people have bad instincts- but other people, like myself, have fairly good ones.

But even I agree that you can't protect for everything: the vast majority of dd's accidents have happened when I have been within 3 foot of her. So she might as well have a bit of freedom.

So: yes to freedom, no to judginess! All for encouraging a poster who has explained her circumstances to relax and allow more freedom. All against judging some family at the school gates or whatever, whose real circumstances you don't know.

I know you did Cory. I read your post with care. I got thta. But like i said, yours is special circumstances, people criticising that a mum won't let go, whilst mum does it for reasons. which are then turn out to be true.
but for many of these parents, it won't be the case that there is medical condition. it is just over-protectiveness.

Yes, but you don't get my point: I had to live for 8 years without knowing that one day there would be a medical diagnosis letting me off the hook. (my friends I think had to wait slightly longer).

So we were among that category that could rightly be judged according to your way of thinking- and we were judged. People won't accept you have reasons unless you can explain them and I couldn't in any other terms than "I know my dd can't handle this climbing frame" or "I'm sorry, she can't walk any further and I don't know why". So all the right signs of preciousness and overprotectiveness there.