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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be gobsmacked that my ex didnt invite his own children to his wedding!

26 replies

doodles32 · 07/07/2010 20:31

The children told me a few weeks ago that their Dad was getting married but that it wasnt a big wedding and they were basically just having witnesses there. I was surprised he was getting married because they havent been together that long but when I asked if they were invited they said no. Today he has got married (I didnt know what day he was doing it on)I found out because his sister has pictures on facebook. Looking through these photos I can see that they have his sister and her daughter, his (now) wifes eldest child, another child who I dont know and a selection of their friends, so actually quite a few people. When I pointed one out to my daughter and asked who she was she said...thats the lollipop lady from down the road to them. (Bearing in mind how long they have lived in their house I know they cant have known this woman for more than 6 weeks).
Is it just me or is it really quite odd to not invite your own children to your wedding but to invite the local lollipop lady?!

OP posts:

Nemofish · 07/07/2010 20:36

She may have been a witness for them?

Very bizarre behaviour not to invite your own children.

How do they feel about it?

JeMeSouviens · 07/07/2010 20:38

Could the lollipop lady be his new MIL?

Most definitely odd not to have his children present.

slushy · 07/07/2010 20:39

I think his new wife must have some jealousy issues over you, Your poor children I was not invited to my dads wedding (because it was abroad and really was him, bride, two strangers for witnesses) But I was still gutted . Your children must be really upset.

Eurostar · 07/07/2010 20:40

Very sad for your children. How old are they? Why did you point it out to your daughter though? Or was she on her Aunt's FB anyway?

Ineedsomesleep · 07/07/2010 20:40

I'm gobsmacked by this one too. Never heard of it before. How do the children feel about it?

Original poster

doodles32 · 07/07/2010 20:40

1 bothered, the other not. The one that wasnt bothered though was being very pragmatic because he had told them only 3 people were going, he may change his mind if he finds out that there were more there and that his niece was allowed to go and not him...

OP posts:

twolittlemonkeys · 07/07/2010 20:42

YANBU. It is odd. My dad got remarried and didn't tell me (I think I was about 8 at the time). I was livid when I found out. My stepsisters were there but my dad "didn't want to upset us" I was far more upset to find out that he'd hidden the fact from us. He and my stepmum (one of my mum's former friends, ouch) had already had a child together so it's not as if I was holding out any hope of him patching things up with my mum!

Original poster

doodles32 · 07/07/2010 20:42

my daughter was hanging over my shoulder as I was on facebook (as she often annoyingly does) she saw the photos and wanted to see them all.

OP posts:

VuvuzelaPlenticlew · 07/07/2010 20:42

Poor kids. Your ex sounds like a prat.

Original poster

doodles32 · 07/07/2010 20:43

Not the MIL, shes about the same age as his new wife

OP posts:

lal123 · 07/07/2010 20:45

very odd

Original poster

doodles32 · 07/07/2010 20:46

My daughter is such a girly girl and loves her Dad so much and likes and gets on with his new wife, she would have loved to be a bridesmaid. Money definitely an issue for them but my daughter has so many pretty dresses she could have worn. To me it is excluding them and making them a seperate issue to their family which is just wrong. He is a prat vuvu, an even bigger one now...

OP posts:

Harimo · 09/07/2010 12:03

DH and I got married in Vegas to avoid all of this.

His Ex would have had a problem if they had been invited (In fact, DSD2 told us many years ago that 'she couldn't come to our wedding because she would have to stay and cuddle mummy because mummy would be sad' FFS! She was 3YO and marriage wasn't even on the cards for Dh and I then!!!!

But, neither of us could contemplate having ANYONE else there if his daughters were not, if that makes sense. They are part of our family, even if we are not part of theirs (if that makes sense!)

So, we went to Vegas. We tried to do the right thing (told his Ex BEFORE we told the kids) but ultimately, no one else knew anything.

I'm not sure if it was for the best, but it was done with the best of intentions. IMHO, if you are going to have 1 person there, then you have to have all people there...

FindingMyMojo · 09/07/2010 12:06

Blimey that is bizarre!!! what a tosser!

sanielle · 09/07/2010 12:19

He is being odd. But you shouldn't have made a point to your children that not only were they not invited..but look daddy invited everyone else!

Fontella · 09/07/2010 12:29

My ex did the same, only he had a big white wedding in church, bridesmaids, pageboys, the full works.

My DD was 8 (and would have loved to be a bridesmaid), DD 10. We assumed they would be going - they saw him a fair bit, spent time with him and his wife to be, but as the day got closer we heard nothing, so I eventually rang him at DC's urging. He winged and whined about how he would love them to be there - but had no way of arranging it (he's got a massive family, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles etc) but no-one it seemed could give them a lift, or have them overnight. He said they could come if I was willing to drive the 50 miles, hang around somewhere all day while the festivities went on, and then bring them home. I told him to get knotted.

Harimo · 09/07/2010 12:34

See, fontella that's just plain wrong.

He has kids and they should have been prioritised first.

I know we didn't have DSDs at our wedding, but we did put their priorities first and think 'what's the best thing to do for them' and for us, that was to have no fuss and no party.

Your kids must have been so hurt

valiumSingleton · 09/07/2010 12:37

I don't know. It might have been for the best? I went to a wedding recently and the groom had two girls from a previous relationship. They were beautiful and dressed like Angels and my friend the bride is delighted they look so beautiful in the photos !!! but they looked a bit lost I thought. Their aunt was officially looking after them for the day but they kept trying to traipse around after their Dad, who loves them, but was a bit too busy on that day, so he sent them back to their aunt. As a mother amongst a bunch of non mothers I noticed it!

Fontella · 09/07/2010 12:39

He's a A-hole Harimo, that's why I got shot of him. Never had a penny off him for them all these years, and when they go visit I used to drive them over and back everytime. Now I give them train fare (not cheap), but money is so tight now I've told them I'm not doing it anymore.

They've got little stepsisters now who they love seeing, so it's a shame but it's up to him.

Yes, were terribly hurt, but it hasn't done him any favours in the long run. The older they get the more they realise the real situation.

jellybeans · 09/07/2010 12:54

That's awful. It should be either no guests (as the poster above who went to vegas and considered what was best in the circumstance) or his own DC and guests.

I have a friend who said her DH kids ruined her wedding and she hated having them there. I have never really liked her since that and saying she wouldn't shed a tear if they were killed in a crash and things would have been easier had they not been born...Well guess what she expected her new DH to take on her kids but wouldn't really take his own and now he doesn't see them..

Harimo · 09/07/2010 19:12

Half sisters, Fontella? Or step sisters? I'm guessing you mean half sisters?

This gets to me a bit, as my DSDs are basically not allowed to acknowledge my children when their mum is there at all. It really hurts. Out of all the stupid crap she has pulled, her being shitty to my kids hurts more than anything.

my DS and DD, whatever she thinks of me etc., are HER DDs's HALF SIBLINGS.

I have (and continue to) act as though we have 4 children. Financially, physically (we have a 6 bed house so all kids have their own room) and emotionally.

Jellybeans - that is truly awful... Might be just as well he doesn't see them though... CAn't believe anyone would wish harm on children. Truly horrid.

Fontella · 10/07/2010 09:52

Oops sorry - yes I mean half sisters.

Harimo · 10/07/2010 22:14

Yeah.. I thought so.

Not having a go (honest!) but it gets to me.

If I made that mistake with my DSDs, their mother would be raving like a loony. yet, it's quite acceptable for her to treat my DC like crap.

I have had her literally IGNORE my 2YO and make her (teenage) children IGNORE my 2YO even though he is wailing / calling to them... not understanding why his 'sisters' won't reciprocate.

it's heartbreaking. I'm sure it gives her a good deal of pleasure to know it gets to me.

RamonaThePest · 10/07/2010 22:29

Harimo - it sounds like you tried your absolute hardest to be fair.

I have a full house of step-parents on all sides. I have a step-mum, a step-dad, a step-MIL and a step-FIL!! Can I just say that the relationships that work are the ones where people THINK and TRY. Which it sounds like you really do.

They don't always get it right but knowing that they have tried to get it right means you can forgive them! Who does always get things right, after all?

I totally recognise the game playing thing though and it is truly horrible especially when it is directed at children. One of my "steps" plays terrible games at the expense of my children. It is hideous.

Boys2mam · 10/07/2010 22:42

Imagine the stress for the poor Dad having to deal with his kids on his wedding day.

Much easier to leave them with a sitter for the day and have a good old knees up.

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