To tell my mother how long she can stay with us?

[fifitot]

Will try and keep this short. Me and my mother don't really get on, long story, lots of issues and she is hard work, controlling etc. I could spend hours talking about our 'history' and how crap she has made me feel.

Anyway am having to rely on her for childcare when I go to hospital to give birth for first child. I don't want to upset my dd as she is only young and is struggling with the idea of me being away from home. She as she has asked for Grandma to look after her, have gone along with this, rather than ask a friend. I would also feel unable to offload DD overnight on a friend when she has never stayed overnight with anyone before. (Only 3)

Trouble is she lives a couple of hours away but unless I have a really quick labour it should all work out. The plan is/was that as soon as I know what's happening, my mother would drive down and do the childcare.

Thing is we have a really small house and she would have to sleep on sofa which she doesn't mind. My thinking was that she would probably stay a couple of days. Any sane person would know that a crowded house after the birth of a baby would be a bit much so just assumed she would stay 2 days and then leave us to it. I am very self sufficient and tbh find her less than helpful when she's around.

I know it sounds like I'm being really selfish but I just wish she would see it in these practical terms. Unfortunately she had assumed I think she would be staying a while and when I said I only wanted her there a couple of days......well cue the big row. I did try and be diplomatic.

I know she would love to hang around and lots of mothers do when their daughters give birth but I don't want her there really, she will stress me and also DH out. She will totally try and take over. If I had the room I might be more tolerant.

On the face of it, I know it looks really unreasonable as she is dropping everything to come down at short notice. However it is right up her street and no sacrifice at all. I also just think when it comes to something like this I could be cut a bit of slack and instead of worrying about her feelings, put my familiy first.

She can come back and visit anytime - usually they stay at a local b and b. They don't like it but it's easier all round given our relationship.

What do you think?

Could your mother maybe stay with you while you are in hospital, then move to the b and b for a while longer? But you could make her feel useful - taking your older dd out, doing the shopping etc.

So you get some practical help, she feels like she's useful and gets to spend time with her grandchildren, but after a day or two, she's not clogging up your sofa.

Sensible advice MadameBelle - if it were me, I would think that too and make arrangements to go to the b and b, Unfortunately she doesn't see it like that and just thinks I am a selfish cow.

Would it be an option for DD to sleepover at your mums rather than your mum coming to you? If DC2 isn't due imminently, DD could have a dry run in the next few weeks.

I think you are right and you should do what feels right for you. You shouldn't be worrying about your mother's feelings, she should do what suits you at this delicate time.

You have all my sympathy as I have given birth 4 times and every time I have had to stress and worry about other people's feelings and I think it really was rubbish.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all xx

Again sensible, stupidly I have left it a bit late and this problem is imminent! I have been putting my head in the sand unfortunately. I might have know this problem would arise!

Could she come down for the birth and a couple of days after, then take your dd back to her house for a while for some 'really special granny time', then come back down to you the following week to bring dd home, and maybe you could survive putting her up for a night or two then. Would that make her feel involved?

Ask someone else.

You are not being unreasonable. Of course your Mother In Law would love this & that but that is Not what is important. This is a time for YOU to recover, your baby to have a relaxing home with relaxed parents/siblings, and your man to feel relaxed in his own home and to be able to assist you, not feel put out or stressed by his mother.
Your child also should be part of it but not your MIL if you don't want it. I understand as I would be v uncomfortble with my MIL.

You will never get those 1st few precious gorgeous days back! Don't ruin them because you are too polite to tell her to come bck in a few days! try not to send your older child away to Granny's as they should be a part of this too, my boys loved the first few days with their baby sister, we put visitors off for days ! Good Luck ! xxx

OOPS SORRY ! it' your mother not MIL... sorry but same applies, it's YOUR moment ! xx

Thanks. It's my mum not MIL Gaston but I see what you are saying.

I think my mother is just good at making me feel guilty when really I need to put my DD and new DC first. I wish she could see that but she's too insane tbh!!!!

yes, sorry about that. I wouldn't want my mother or MIL staying over. MY 3rd baby was born at home and i couldn't wait for the midwife to go away as it is such a lovely calm time for just mother, baby, partner and any siblings.... anyone else just gets in the way even if they are trying to help.