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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fed up with ex-neighbour scrounging?

25 replies

MiladyDeScorchio · 05/07/2010 19:58

I've recently moved about fifteen minutes away from where I used to live. When we were there the woman next door but one was always knocking and asking to borrow cash. I did lend it to her a few times as I was taken in by her stories.

For example, her DIL was about to give birth to a baby which wouldn't survive (several times this happened) and she has the DGC to stay and no food in the house.

It's always "no food in the house" though and DH noticed that as soon as money was ever lent, her son (fit, early twenties, never had a job) would immediately nip round the corner to to the dealer's house.

To be fair, she did pay me back on time the few times I helped her.

But now we've moved and the things we are having to buy are endless. Carpets and flooring, new furniture, all little bits and pieces to do with decorating and it's really adding up. Plus dd needs new uniform for next year.

We have been here a week and a half and she has rung the doorbell twice now, "to see how we are" which has turned into a request for money. Today I confronted her in a feeble sort of way and asked what had happened to the little job she had and why her son didn't work. Because I have two children to support and ds is autistic so I don't see why she could be asking me.

The answer was that she has bowel cancer which has spread to her throat and she had her first lot of chemo today. Showed me red marks on her neck. Is that right? I thought chemo really weakened you and made you sick and said so. She replied, puffing away on a cigarette that she's a strong person. Strong enough to walk 15 minutes in the blazing afternoon heat and seem fine apparently.

How do I deal with her? I rang our housing association and was told that they are aware of her but that generally people have just moved away since she moved in without making any complaints and that if I did it couldn't be anonymous. I'm scared her son will put a brick through my children's windows if I do, he is a nasty piece of work, I've seen him in action

Do I need to be firmer and just tell her to fuck off next time she arrives? Or is there a slim chance she's telling the truth? Even so, she's not my responsibility is she? Sorry, I'm all confused and quite worried.

OP posts:

Mowgli1970 · 05/07/2010 20:01

Don't answer your phone, dial 1471 to see who's calling. Don't answer the door - if it's friends or family get them to phone first. Tell her you're so sorry, but you really can't afford to lend her any more money as your new house needs a lot of work.
Hope she gets the message.

BeerTricksPotter · 05/07/2010 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hairytriangle · 05/07/2010 20:08

Just tell her no or ignore the door bell

verytellytubby · 05/07/2010 20:10

Tell her no. Say you can't afford it. Be firm.

MrsHarkness · 05/07/2010 20:13

I dont know much about chemo but when my aunt had it I dont remember her having red marks, the whole thing sounds strange though

maxpower · 05/07/2010 20:14

You could try matching her sob stories. Everytime she needs money for something, tell her what you need the money for. Or alternatively, keep a couple of tins of soup or ravioli and next time she wants money for food, give her those instead.

Original poster

MiladyDeScorchio · 05/07/2010 20:16

Thanks. I was firm (ish) today but can't pretend to be out because ds shrieks at the doorbell. Plus she is cheeky enough to peer in the sitting room windows or go around and look over the garden fence.

She did introduce me to the lady we exchanged houses with (she really wanted our beautiful house as it is near her dd who has three children under four) and now I fear she thinks we are fair game.

Housing officer said not to worry and that we don't owe her anything as is was all done fair and square and any suggestion otherwise is a police matter. But as I said, I don't want it to go that far because of the son.

OP posts:

spybear · 05/07/2010 20:17

Next time she knocks on your door, get in there first and ask her for money for food. Even if it goes against your nature, then she'll stop knocking on your door.

nickschick · 05/07/2010 20:18

Just say to her you arent so flush at the mo and you would help her if you could, as she knows from the past but now unfortunately you cant.

scurryfunge · 05/07/2010 20:21

You are financing her son's drug habit and she may well live in fear of him too. Point her in the direction of social services if she is struggling but she is not your responsibility.

Original poster

MiladyDeScorchio · 05/07/2010 20:22

Tins, ask for money for nappies and food, yes

nickschick that's a good point. It's not that I won't just that I'm not in a position to help now or in the near future.

OP posts:

Lovesdogsandcats · 05/07/2010 20:23

What would you do and say to her if you genuinely had no money , purse empty til end of month?

nickschick · 05/07/2010 20:24

I think she will understand you cant help her- its not that you are being 'funny' about it - if youve had it youve lent it in the past.

Original poster

MiladyDeScorchio · 05/07/2010 20:30

Loves I wouldn't be knocking on her door, I'd get a social fund loan or stop smoking, puff or otherwise.

I'm fairly sure both she and the son do drugs.
If I was worried about her I'd certainly do something to help her.

Funnily enough I did have a few little piles of money on the side when she arrived. One for dd's uniform, one for nursery fees and a pile of 10ps for dd's lunch money. She still went on despite me showing her. I expect she wanted me to write her a cheque

OP posts:

Original poster

MiladyDeScorchio · 05/07/2010 20:33

Sorry Lovesdogsandcats, misread your post. I have been in that position before and actually went and found some pound coins in the purse I keep in my other bag and gave them to her!

Really good advice here, thank you all

OP posts:

pranma · 05/07/2010 20:33

I had chemo and there are no red marks on neck-just a mark on back of hand where the needle goes in.

BAFE · 05/07/2010 20:35

QUOTE ""She did introduce me to the lady we exchanged houses with (she really wanted our beautiful house as it is near her dd who has three children under four) and now I fear she thinks we are fair game.

Housing officer said not to worry and that we don't owe her anything as is was all done fair and square and any suggestion otherwise is a police matter"" UNQUOTE

I get the feeling you're not quite being open with us.

when you agreed to swop you beautiful house for the one your living in now did anyone pay you any money?

Did the pest lady tell you that someone wanted your house so badly that they would pay you to move and you took her up on that offer and now she feels like you owe her?

Original poster

MiladyDeScorchio · 05/07/2010 20:46

No exchanging money is illegal. In any case it used to be that people offered money to people for bigger houses. We had 3 year old ds in our room, he is autistic and we really needed more space and a chance to move him out at some point. We have been on the transfer list but there just aren't the properties.

All the pest did was say, "oh do you want a bigger house? My friend is looking to downsize and wants one in this area. I'll put you in touch", which she did.

I said why the lady who wanted to downsize to our smaller house, and it was to do with the ease of keeping it and the garden as well as the location. Her daughter has one the same as our old one except ours was beautifully kept and this needed an industrial clean when we arrived on moving day. We left ours absolutely spotless.

So no, nobody gave us money although I think the HA rewards people who downsize with £1000.

I did give the neighbour flowers and a card with money in it just as a polite thank you though.

OP posts:

muffint · 05/07/2010 20:46

We had similar problem with heroin addict two doors away - just told him v.sorry we had no money ourselves. Seemed to accpet that.

Original poster

MiladyDeScorchio · 05/07/2010 20:47

Sorry to hear that pranma by the way, hope you're well now.

OP posts:

BAFE · 05/07/2010 20:52

In that case, just keep saying no. As someone else suggested, say you've got no money but could give her a couple of tins of something as she's got no food in the house.

I feel a little bit sorry for her. Her son sounds like he's bullying her for money tbh. Don't like the sound of her having red marks round her neck

Original poster

MiladyDeScorchio · 05/07/2010 20:58

BAFE they were like blotchy patches from the heat but I can't dismiss what you're suggesting...

She doesn't help herself though, she had a plaster on her toe today and when I picked an identical one up from the floor she said, "oh it must have some from one of your children" As if I wouldn't know if the DC had been in need of plasters in the last oh, ten days since we moved

I do find compulsive liars really hard to deal with as I'm always too gobsmacked by their outrageousness to challenge them.

OP posts:

pranma · 05/07/2010 21:55

Thanks Milady-so far so good-chemo[bc] was in 2007 but I'll never forget it.One thing I though was that the steroids they give to help nausea can make you very flushed especially in the face but surely not just on the neck.

pranma · 05/07/2010 21:56

thought

expatinscotland · 05/07/2010 22:01

You need to keep saying no.

We have tons of debt, if anyone asks us for money, I tell them our big sob story.

They go away sharpish.

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