To think that you can't MAKE your child settle in to a setting?

[TheChicOfIt]

I have just taken DS out of nursery as he was still very unsettled after 4 months of being there.

He was going one day per week, with the hope that once he settled, I could look for a job and we could increase it to 2 or 3 days (currently SAHM). He was ok at first, but after a few weeks he started to get really upset when I left him, which then progressed on to him being upset for longer. on two occasions the nursery had to call me after 1 hour as he was so unsettled that I had to go and collect him.

We decided to take him out as it was becoming a waste of money, and I felt anxious wondering if he was ok.

Most of the time, he is a perfectly happy child, he's not shy with strangers, and he enjoys being in the company of other children - he just hates when I leave him. I took him to the creche at the gym this morning and he was screaming when I left . I told my sister this and she said "Well you'll need to get him to settle, otherwise what will he be like when he goes to school!"

Now I understand that she does have a point, but it just makes me so frustrated when people say things like this because how exactly do I do that? She says things like "You need to get him into nursery", well, actually, I did that and it didn't work!

It just annoys me when people who have "easy" children come out and say things like that when they have no idea what it is actually like to be in that situation, and also offer no advice on how I can rectify the situation!

So I am asking you lot !

What age is he?

One day a week is not enough time for a little one to get used to anything. Imagine having to week a whole week before going back again. No wonder he didn't settle, it would have been strange for him every time. I was advised to put my children in at least 2 sessions a week when they were very young then at aged 3, 5 sessions a week. How old is your DS?

Personally, I think leaving your child somewhere where they are unhappy is utterly cruel. Forcing them to settle by leaving them to it is a bit like dropping your child in a swimmin g pool and saying 'Well they'll just have to learn to swim'. Not right in my book.

Mind you, I definitely am overly precious and my DS1 is starting school (reception) in Sept without ever having been at nursery etc.

It is only in the last year (last few months actually) that I have seen that he wants to be away from me so I believe I was right to let him develop those independent feelings in his own time rather than force him to be apart from me when he wasn't ready.

Oh and for what it's worth he is extremely confident,happy, loud and independent.

I agree - one day isn't any good at getting them used to a setting. My nephew is 4yo and he is having problems settling at nursery but they are only putting him in for one session a week which is in no way helping the situation - he's never going to learn to get used to it if he's only there once a week!

How old is he anyway?

I agree - one day a week isn't enough to really 'settle' a child into childcare. That's not a criticism of you, by the way, OP. Just in my experience, children only 'settle' when something becomes very routine and familiar to them. For young children, a week is a long time, so one day a week would be almost like starting over again each week with the separation anxiety and whatnot.

I personally don't think children 'need' to go to nursery (not nursery-bashing - my oldest child was in full time daycare form the age of 7 months). It is a choice, a good one in many cases, but other forms of childcare (or staying at home with a parent, if that's a possibility) can work equally well.

If you don't feel your child is ready for nursery right now, maybe you could look into a childminder or nanny share?

But at the same time Doig children have to be left whether they like it or not when they start school - you can't not send them just because they don't like it! You are legally obliged to send them off to school. My BIL and his wife have made a rod for their own backs because their DS doesn't like nursery so they haven't forced the issue with him and now they are going to find it hard to get him into P1 when the time comes. Children can't always get their own way.

I tried leaving ds when he was 2 in a meithryn he didn't settle we waited till he was 3 and started him in nursery he settled well he did not even cry the first day I picked him up and he didn't want to come home and he loves going he even tries to go when ill. IMO if a child is not ready wait and try again in a few months if you are able to wait.

Sorry I should have made it clear - he will be 2 next week.

I do agree now that one day a week was not enough, however we didn't realise this at the time when we put him in.

The creche runs 3 mornings a week so I am hoping that he might settle into that environment better, especially as it is only for 2 hours maximum.

I will definitely consider a childminder if I go back to work.

Slushy, what's a meithryn?

He's not yet 2? He seems like a perfectly normal 2 year old to me. You've a long time yet before you have to worry about him settling into school.

You did the right thing.He doesn't 'have' to be in nursery at that age.

Perhaps if you need him to be in childcare for a day or two then a childminder would be preferable.

One day a week isn't long enough for a young child to be able to settle. Especially if he then realises he can be picked up early.

I live in Wales and here we have a few meithryn's which is a nursery (with nursery qualified staff and about20-30 children) for age 2yo plus It only runs 9-12.30 and costs £12 a week per child for those hours.

Any one can send their child there it is to help mum's go back to work.

My DD was always upset when I left her. She was similar age to your DS when she first went to nursery, and only stopped getting upset after her 6th birthday!!
Some children are just not that great at separating. How is he with his dad tho? Can he separate better with him?
I certainly wouldn't worry about what your sister said about him settling at school. He is still very young and there is nothing wrong with him wanting to spend all of his time with you. Although it might be nice for you to get a break.

I think your sister is wrong - just because he doesn't settle well now, doesn't mean he will never settle well in the future. That is like the same argument that says if you don't sleep train your children they will never "learn" to sleep on their own and will wake in the night as adults. Or if you don't stop them breastfeeding they'll still be doing it at 20. Or if you don't potty train them at 2, they'll be in nappies forever.

Maybe he is just not ready to be left yet - 2 is very little and he will be completely different at 4. And FWIW I think that if you want an easier time of it, you really have to introduce your child to the concept of being left either very young (before separation anxiety kicks in at 9 months or so) or leave it until they are older and can understand more (3 or 4+) Not saying you should never put them into childcare between these ages, but that if you do it at this time it will probably be more difficult to settle them in.

I'm not sure that once a week is too far apart - my DS has always been inconsolably distraught when I have tried to leave him, and I have been putting him in a creche once a week while I have counselling, as he is getting used to it either my mum or sister has come and sat in with him, which he has been fine with, as he knows them, and last week the staff suggested we try leaving him without my mum just for 5 minutes. I agreed for 5 mins (not 20 or 30 as they had tried previously) but surprisingly, he was absolutely fine with this.

So I agree with the people who suggested a childminder, but perhaps also consider a nursery/playgroup where you can stay with him for a few sessions, then work up to you stay but don't engage with him, just do some tidying up for them or read a book in the corner of the room or something, perhaps going in and out of the room e.g. into the kitchen area and back again, then staying the whole time in the adjacent room, and then leaving him completely.

Sorry, didn't finish my paragraph! He was fine with this and stayed the whole hour, was laughing and playing with the creche staff, didn't cry at all. It was a revelation! I am still going to see if my sister will come this week in case he doesn't settle but I will try him straight in the creche on his own this week. (He's 21 months by the way, the first time I ever tried leaving him was 16 months, but he's been in this creche for about 8 weeks now)

Also meant to say, there are lots of parents who let their children self-wean off breastfeeding, or wait until they ask to use pants/the toilet, or don't sleep train, and their children all reach these milestones by themselves. All children are ready for different things at different times - you wouldn't tell a parent of a late walker that it is because they haven't taught him to walk yet!