to talk to DS's teacher about this?

[booreeve]

Am in a slightly tricky situation. DS who has just turned 3 has been at nursery since Jan and is very happy there. There is another kid in his class (we have known the child's parents loosely for a few years) who is a bit of a thug and a bully. I've seen the behaviour for myself and it's out of control, and DS is constantly telling me that this child has been naughty at nursery, hitting other kids, and throwing things. I know that other parents have complained to the nursery about the behaviour of this kid. Last week DS was reporting back to me that the other kid had been doing something to him, but I couldn't understand what he was saying and as DS seemed to be fine about it, I just let it be.
I've now found out (via another Mum) that my DS was being bitten and hit by the child last week (nursery never told me) and that the child's mother was taken to one side by one of the teachers and told that it was unacceptable behaviour etc.....
I'm just not quite sure how to handle this, or jut ignore it. On the one hand these are 3 year olds, and I understand that they are going to do silly things so maybe I leave it all be. On the other hand I'm slightly cross that nursery didn't tell me about this unless they believe it's not a real problem.....but not sure whether to have a quiet word about it all. Should I talk to the child's parents about it? I'd rather not, as I don't want to have to be negative about their parenting, but I'm really torn as to how to deal with this all......
Help!

I would have a quiet non-blaming word with the teacher: but make it about your ds, not about how they should deal with the other child. Mind you, if their solution is to tell the child's parents that this is unacceptable behaviour, then they do seem a bit clueless: what do they expect that to achieve, since the parents presumably aren't there during sessions: are they expected to exercise some kind of remote control?

Don't go anywhere near the child's parents - bad idea. Let the nursery deal with it. Ask for a quick word with DS's teacher, say you understand that there was an incident with biting last week, could you see the incident book please? Don't be fobbed off, it will have to lead to a discussion and you can probe further what their plans are for ensuring this child doesn't compromise the safety of the other children. And they have to have a plan - it's part of their duty to all the children.

YANBU- talk to the teachers. Tell them that its unacceptable for your son to be subnject to that behaviour and that you will find another nursery if they continue to be so laissez faire.

Obviously you have to make allownces for the fact that 3 year old boys often end up in scraps etc (I know because I've got one), but this really does sound like unreasonable treatment of other children. I would be taking a firm stance with the teacher as it sounds like its not a first time or a one off and its affecting others too.

I wouldn't speak to the parents. There's not a lot they can do about it when it's happening at nursery.

I would speak to the nursery staff and explain that you've heard that ds was bitten/hit last week. (What they did or didn't say to the other child's mother is irrelevant). This leaves the nursery staff free to confirm or deny that this happened, and to explain why they didn't let you know.

When my ds was bitten at this age, the staff would usually say something like, "Ds was bitten by another child today. It's all been dealt with. We checked his arm and it seems fine but we thought we'd let you know."

They won't be able to tell you what action they have taken to deal with the biting or anything about the other child, not even their name.

My DS has been a biter and a bitee. In the case where he was bitten I was not told, which I believe is standard nursery policy as they cant' tell you about another child (DS told me).

In the case where he was the biter, they would not even tell me how the other child was (as they can't tell you about another child). They did tell me what they'd done to deal with the behaviour/prevent it happening in future. I cannot believe "another mum" can know exactly what the nursery said to the "biter's" parents. Maybe they talked about lots of strategies to stop it happening again.

I think you can tell the nursery that DS is (e.g.) not liking nursery because of the behaviour of another child and ask them to monitor/deal with the situation. The nursery WILL NOT tell you how they are dealing with the other child. I can't see that talking to the other parents will help other than potentially creating bad feeling. They've been told by nursery there is a problem and other than supporting the nursery and reinforcing good behaviour at home (and maybe his behaviour at home is different anyway) there is not a lot you can do. I can see if you go up to them it will appear as if you are "having a go" and they will be very defensive.

Have the nursery called in outside help?If his behaviour is a problem, then the nursery will usually call in outside agencies to see if he needs additional support/assessment for additional needs. That is what should happen with ongoing behavioural issues.

As someone who has been the mother of the 'thug' as you put it, who actually turned out to have ASD, it is dispiriting enough to hear all these terrible things about your child when you collect them, as well as dealing with the desperate realisation that there is something wrong with your child so please leave it to the nursery to sort - the nursey will be playing it down with you, but if they are any good they will be paddling furiously under the surface to sort this out.

Also, please don't assume the other child does have SN - that is not what I'm saying. I am suggesting though, that if this behaviour goes above and beyond the biting stage that some toddlers go through, there could be other reasons for it.

They have to inform you if another child hurts yours, though a bite often leaves a mark anyway. Ask what actually happened and stress that you want to be kept informed, which they should do anyway.
It is very difficult for nursery staff to prevent incidents like this, as they are not allowed to isolate the troublemaker from the group, so they have to work by remote control too.

Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it, as this is a "first" for me, and my inner mother-bear wants to protect. I've seen this boy's behaviour away from school and he is a bit of a nightmare, pushing and shoving other kids in the playground, often when on climbing frames and things, smashes things up, he's even tried several times to push me over when heavily pregnant and doing DS's laces up or whatever (I was v shocked) But he is a clearly a very bright kid, with bags of potential, and I think derkinsdame you may well have a point about potential SN, but i don't know if outside help has been called in, however I do know that the parents have asked them to reinforce good behaviour at home. It's also a bit tricky I think as the parents are very rarely there at pick-up time, and it's normally one of a couple of either CMs or relatives that pick him up.
I think I'll have a quiet word with the teacher, and say that DS was complaining, and is there anything I should be worried about.....