To have told DS about his weight gain?

[Citrus81]

DS is 11 and up until recently has been a fit and healthy kid. He was always at his "ideal weight" etc, used to do martial arts twice a week, swimming on a weekend, trampoline in the garden -

Anyway recently he has become quite lazy and is spending all of his time on the PC. He doesn't do swimming anymore, hardly ever bothers with the trampoline and is now trying to quit karate.

On saturday morning he was getting ready to go to his dad's house and he came downstairs in a panic saying that all of his jeans were too tight. One pair he couldn't even get fastened. I just assumed he'd had a growth spurt and rushed him to asda to buy some more. But then last night he came in the living room after his shower with just his boxers on and he IS definately getting chubby. It was blatently noticable on his tummy, bum and legs. I didn't mention anything at the time.

Thing is he hasn't been to karate since may and has done practically no exercise at all for over a month. It is really starting to show.

So this morning I asked him if he was going to karate tonight. He grunted "nah". I got quite cross and said if he wasn't doing karate he could find something else active to do because I was getting concerned about his weight. He snapped "I'm not fat" so I said "no, but you could end up getting fat. Your jeans no longer fit and tbh DS, you ARE putting on weight which is not suprising considering you sit on that PC constantly and don't do any exercise."

I felt a bit guilty afterwards but we are always very open and honest with each other and I'm terrified he's going to turn into an overweight, unconfident, hermit teenager. He went into school (slammed the car door) and rubbed the tears out of his eyes before greeting his friend I feel guilty. Should I not have said anything? Was it best for him to know the truth?

awww....but YANBU

he is old enough to know the truth though, and you did not call him "fat" you just told him he had put on weight

poor little man! but the eat less/move more lesson is key

My eldest steals food from the cupboard she knows i'll say no to, does sport at school but very little else and has a big roll of fat around her middle that makes me want to cry but i am so careful what i say to her because i've met some seriously fat people who started out a bit over weight and dieting has made them very fat.
Focus on his fitness instead is my advice.

Well exactly, it's not as if I said "wow you're a lard arse these days! need to start laying off the pies, son".

I tried to explain it was down to lack of exercise but I think he's nervous about secondary school visit tomorow so maybe I could have timed it better. Didn't really want to give him something else to worry about

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh ... difficult.

I can see your pov very much (my DS has always been chubby and I do worry about it - and he's not 5 yet).

I suppose I would suggest you be a bit more positive - using your energy to get him out and about, rather than using words like 'fat'? Perhaps limit time on the pc?

I think I will have a similar issue when my DS is older. But I don't want to let that fear turn into anger against him; do you know what I mean? I am hoping to support him to make healthier choices ... blurgh, what a load of wishy washy crap I'm talking! You can tell I haven't walked the walk yet.

Good luck. Be kind to him and yourself x

Think you were bu tbh-I know its worrying but as someone who has had a life long struggle with weight and food the damage you do by making statements like that is unimaginable.

I too had a parent who thought he was doing his best by 'helping' me but all it did was make me hate myself even more and turn even more to my best friend food for comfort.

I agree with mamatomany-focus on encouraging him to do more stuff etc-maybe there is a real reason he stopped going to judo? Know my ds2 got hurt on a training weekend doing it and has never gone back. But now he is doing hockey,hip hop, swimming etc.

bad timing perhaps, but he's old enough to know the truth IMO. walking on eggshells round the subject wouldn't help him.

Weeell, yes, perhaps timing wasn't great but you are concerned about him and sometimes it is upsetting facing up to the truth. He probably knows that he has put on weight and is in denial about it.
Is there any exercise that you can do together?
Do you exercise?
What is his diet like?

YANBU by the way.

My DS got a bit tubby at a similar age - he's not at all sporty - never has been - and has always eaten good healthy food. From being a slip of a thing as a little boy he got a bit chubby. He was massively conscious of it and was bullied at school. That was 7 years ago and he has never got over it - he ended up practically starving himself at about 14 - no breakfast or lunch - just ate evening meal. he is now a LOT lighter than me - I am 5.2 he is nearly 6ft.
It has been a very worrying time but I think we are back on the straight and narrow.
Please don't think boys don't care about how they look - they really do and please be very careful how you broach this. He could be due to have a height spurt any time now and that extra roll will disappear.
My son actually self harmed over this issue and the anguish that has caused me is awful.
Good luck.

just marking my place

exactly the same thing has happened to ds (12)- he's given up football and tae kwon do and seems suddenly to be eating loads more- asking for seconds etc when he used to peck at his food

I think focusing on the need for exercise for health, rather than to control weight gain might be better TBH

How much exercise do you get ie do you set a good example?

For children who don't enjoy sport, the freedom of a bike is a fantasic way to make sure they get their exercise - we try and use our bikes rather than the car wherever possible, my aim being that the DCs will see cycling as a normal form of transport for life. This summer I hope to be brave enough to let them go out a bit on their own, to have some adventures....

I would also restrict the PC (and other screens) a lot - he might not want to do sport, but I wouldn't let him sit in front of a screen all day either.

Yes, like tully, I am reacting a bit to the memories your OP brought back to me.

I was a proper trougher at 11/12 and I did gain a lot of weight. I felt very, very bad about it and then went the other way: cue 15 years of poor body image and (mild) eating disorders.

I'm not sure if that was down to the few things my Mum said, or my general realisation that I had become noticeably fatter than I wanted to be.

It can be real issue, I think. On one hand, we don't want to make our children feel self conscious and negative about themselves, but on the other hand, we want them to be healthy and be within a normal weight range.

Also: my nephew was obviously overweight between the ages of 6 and 16. But then he grew about 2 foot and his weight has normalised.

He was very fond of his Playstation and not fond of sport.

I think he probably realises he has put on weight and is embarassed/ashamed about it. At the age of 11 though, he probably isn't too clued up on what he needs to do about it so will need some guidance from you. Definitely agree that you should focus on increasing exercise rather than diet in the first instance........he needs to realise how important exercise is for his health.

Could you do a deal whereby if he goes to karate he can have time on the computer afterwards? If he doesn't then no computer that evening? Or can you go swimming with him and challenge him to see who can swim however many lengths the fastest etc etc and maybe use computer time as a reward rather than a daily activity?

Thanks for the replies. He doesn't eat a lot to be honest. He usually skips breakfast in protest of the "crap" cereal I buy, he has a healthyish packed lunch and a cooked dinner. Maybe a bowl of jelly/yogurt/fruit for afters and a hot chocolate at bedtime. He rarely has sweets etc. It's definately the exercise and I've told him that, I think he could eat more or less anything within reason as long as he exercised to burn off the calories/fat.
Am definately going to reward activity with computer time from now on. He has expressed an interest in joining the gym at secondary school which is a good sign.

How does your son grow?

My son (who is 12) tends to grow out a bit, and look a bit chubby (not fat, but softer/rounder), before he puts on an upwards growth spurt and looks back to his normal again.

Having said that, nothing wrong with encouraging kids to get out there and do a bit of physical activity!

I think all children grow out and then up, makes sense doesn't it.
OP if he really is putting weight on eating what you described then I would suggest he's buying food outside the house, that amount of food wouldn't feed a sparrow.

You shouldn't have brought up his weight when you were cross with him. You ended up arguing with him about him being fat which must have hurt him. It's a sensitive issue and it should have been brought up in a sensitive way.

If it were me, I'd apologise for being insensitive and start to talk about it calmly, offering a couple of gentle suggestions if he wants to listen.