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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send my daughter's friend home

21 replies

muttimalzwei · 04/07/2010 21:33

MY daughter has a friend who she plays with who I find pretty unmanageable and I have hinted as much to her mum. My daughter is invited over to hers to play quite a bit and when I am up for it I invite her back. When the two of them are together I've never known such whining and defiant behaviour. I've been tempted to send her home before but today I actually did (after I'd warned them a few times and it had come to nothing) What happened was that I texted her Mum and said they were playing me up and I was bringing her daughter home. I then relented as soon as I reached her house as both girls were upset and said 'ok, one more chance to prove that you can play well together' and had her to play for another hour in which they were ok (they are 5) Think I may have made a mountain out of a molehill...AIBU?

OP posts:

PeedOffWithNits · 04/07/2010 21:37

I don't think so - you have to be seen to follow threats through, they WILL act up and show off in company - and if you let them get away with it once.............

Flisspaps · 04/07/2010 21:38

What happens next time they're driving you mad and you say you're going to take DD's friend home and they carry on, because they think you'll relent again?

activate · 04/07/2010 21:39

you should have followed it through

now they think that your threats mean nothing and they can cry and plead their way out of it

ThatVikRinA22 · 04/07/2010 21:39

yep. (i think?) youve made a mountain out of a molehill. what exactly did they do? are they just being 5 year old girls? presumably they do the same at the other girls house too and her mum deals with it?

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 04/07/2010 21:40

No I won't relent again! I just wanted to show them I meant it. Felt a bit sorry for her mum though and the girl seemed genuinely upset so I gave them both another chance.

OP posts:

muggglewump · 04/07/2010 21:41

They're 5, 5yr olds are known for being a PITA.

Is it the other child or is it the two of them when they get together?

If the latter, then you really should take your turm as the other mother does, if not, then just be a bit stricter when you have this girl over.

Does your DD enjoy herself?
That's the marker to go on really.

ThatVikRinA22 · 04/07/2010 21:41

i cant say if your reasonable or not without knowing what they did.

LittleMissHissyFit · 04/07/2010 21:41

to be honest, it's no use threatening consequences, not at 5yo. You'll have to sit them down at the start, tell them what you expect of them, remind them, and when they start the whining, take her home. How do you think either one will learn, if you bottle it every time? You've given enough chances. Perhaps if you did bring the friend back to her mother cos she was playing you up, the mother might take it more seriously and do something about her dd behaviour.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 04/07/2010 21:42

Vicar they just would not do as I asked them, jumping on flower beds, nicking stuff out of fridge, argueing the toss over who had which colour cup and straw, who was wearing a stupid hairclip, trying to trip each other up. Just thought I really cannot be doing with this. When my daughter has other friends to play they can play nicely for hours.

OP posts:

Curiousmama · 04/07/2010 21:45

Are they in the same room as you all the time? Maybe they aren't at the other girls?

Can you take them out to the park or for a walk? Could be that they're bored? How about getting them baking or something? Or do crafts?

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 04/07/2010 21:45

muggglewump it's the two of them together, so I take my turn and I am stricter when she is there but it wears me down and I think, this shoudl be a pleasure not a bloody torment. I think at first my daughter enjoys it (they laugh at the same stuff and are quite madcap) but then gets upset and always ends up in tears.

OP posts:

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 04/07/2010 21:46

Curiousmama Did baking and went to the park!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 04/07/2010 21:48

I also thought it may be that I was nearby and they were seeking attention so I purposely left them playing a nice game of Lego and shut the door saying I was just in the kitchen and they were falling out straightaway!

OP posts:

clemetteattlee · 04/07/2010 21:51

Blimey, when my DD (5) had friends to play there is always drama over who has what crockery, who gets to be "mum/teacher" in their games, who gets to choose the next board game etc etc. There is always quite a lot of squealing. This is par for the course I think.

muggglewump · 04/07/2010 21:52

Having other kids over should be a pleasure?
Hahahahahhaa.

Oh no, it's always a PITA.

But that's me, and I dislike children.
I do it though, I have them here, and I put up with it and I'm even nice to them.

Sure, they sound annoying, but it's only a couple of hours. If I were you I'd take them to the park and then at least they don't wreck your house.

Stillcounting · 04/07/2010 22:08

When my dd has friends over to play - some of them play wonderfully well together and just 'click' but other combinations just don't work so well - one girl in particular rubs dd up the wrong way - and vice versa.

It depends on the individual characters concerned - sometimes a threesome is better than a twosome.

Very few 5 yr olds can play together without the odd bit of silliness or complaining though imo.

You are braver than me - when another parent asks me if their child has behaved well, I always answer (without fail) "beautifully" and hand them over with a beatific smile ...

(Obviously different situation with dc of very close friends - more honesty involved from both sides then)

I just don't invite the difficult ones over so often ...

Good advice from LittleMissHissyFit about clearly stating the rules (without going over the top) from the outset too...

SE13Mummy · 04/07/2010 22:11

If both girls are upsetting themslves because they can't get along then no, I don't think YABU. However, 5-year-olds need guidance, boundaries and consistency so I do think you may have shot yourself in the foot by relenting.

Before the other girl comes round again it might be prudent to be clear about your expectations so your DD knows what she needs to do if she wants this friend round to play e.g. when you have a guest they get to choose the colour of the cup/hairclip because she is the visitor... if I hear you arguing about that sort of thing we shall have to take X home.

Most 5-year-olds are perfectly capable of playing nicely with their friends provided they are not tired, hungry or unwell and I wouldn't hesitate to return one of my DD's 5-year-old friends home early if they were too fraught and upset to enjoy themselves.

Original poster

muttimalzwei · 05/07/2010 11:07

LittleMissHissyFit has some good ground rules advcie, thank you everyone

OP posts:

gorionine · 05/07/2010 11:18

I agree with LittleMissHissyFit WRT age of child, 5 is very young but it is better to get into the right habits sooner than later.

I did once send a friend of DD back home because she had been rude to my children several times and then to me when I told her I did not accept this kind of language in my house. She was 9 at the time. When Dh came back from work on that day, I left him with our Dcs to go and explain to her parents why I had actually sent her back. I am still friend with the parents. The little girl did not come for a while but then started turning up again and we never had the same problem.

DeFluffy · 05/07/2010 11:27

god all playdates here are usually the same, i have a 5 year old dd.

Usually start off well, then have an hour of 'Fluffy, your dd has called me something nasty/taken pink cup/wont share/wants me to be the baddy' then 'mumeeeeeeee x wants to play with toy a and i dont/wants to be the princess/wants my cup' etc etc

This gets worse if you try to intervene, a fairly bored 'oh well you two both stop being silly and play nicely please' with a wave of the hand seems to stop any further tell taleing.

Then usually they have a screaming fall out at some point. Then they have an hour or two playing beautifully together and cuddling saying 'your my best friend'.

Oh then one has a huge tantrum when their mother turns up to take their dd home.

Nice. We try to only do them say one every two or three weeks

LittleMissHissyFit · 05/07/2010 11:37

I do think that 5 is young to lay down the law, my ds is only 4.5, but I would absolutely tell him that if he didn't behave then it would be home time.

I've never actually had to do it when he's playing with his friends, but I did when he was at my mums once and playing up... He takes me seriously now.

Mutti, the behaviour you describe is well out of line. Jumping on Flower beds, taking things out of the fridge, tripping each other up.. They clearly wind each other up, as you say your DD plays for hours with others. They must bring out the worst in each other.

I'd get down on their level, explain what you expect of them and tell them the consequences if they play up.

I'd also cut the play time down to no more than 2 hours too... possibly even only an hour.. only extending the time you are prepared to have them play together when they can behave and play nicely.

Be firm, be consistent. You can relax a little on them when they have got into the habit of behaving themselves.

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