to sit here trying to ignore whilst she cries?

[holytoast]

DD i 11 weeks old, lovely and we are all well, DH and me ok and coping well. however...I am at home for 12 hours a day whilst DH works, am EBF, so naturally am going to mostly, by now, be able to sort of make an educated guess at what she needs when she cries, which is rarely. am mostly going with the flow, no major routines, but we did decide around 8 weeks that w needed to try and put her to bed on her own at night as she was getting too wound up being up with us at night, and also doesn't sleep for any length of time when rocked/walked/held to sleep. takes a while for her to self settle, but she is still small, so its fine, and apart from that, all good, although DH really struggled, and is still really clueless wen it comes to pretty much anthing to do with her - its constant questions - where is this, where are the nappies, what shall I dress her in - when she cries and he is looking after her I tried to bite my lip and not say, well, she likes being held upright actually, or thats her tired cry, you need to hold her and get her to sleep - I tried, but have found it hard to let him work it out for himself, as she isn't diffiult baby, and I know if I just take her she would stop crying, and most things I can sort within a few mins, whereas he has just looked scared and not been coping well. today we have a massive row about him feeling like I dont let him have enough time with her, one issue he has is me trying to put her to bed around 7, as he feels he doesn't get any time with her, a he gets home late - I have discussed this with him, and we talked it through and take turns sitting with her and settling her to sleep, but he was really angry that basically all eenins are taken up with her being in our bedroom, and either one of us trying to get her to sleep. which makes me feel bad for being controlling - so after a big row, e have said maye we can leave the 'bedtime' thing or anothe week or two, but he has said he want to do everything pretty much at the weekends and evenings - fine, as I could do with the break, and I want him to be involved, but its now nearly 2am, she hasn't slept properly all day, maybe 2 hours in total - if that, if I had put her down at 7 she would have been asleep for hours now, and would be due to wake for a feed about 3:30 but because I have just let him do everything for her today she is still awake now, and is crying, I hate listening to her cry as I know I could probably get her to sleep - but if I go and interfere, then he will just be resentful and in the long run he needs to work it out for himself.

I really hate listening to it, knowing when I go to bed, (I would go now but he will just think am interfering, and couldn't sleep with him trying to get her asleep in our room anyway) and she eventually is asleep, she will be awake again in an hour or so, and for all his 'I will do everything at the weekends' talk, he isn't going to grow a bloody pair of boobs, is he?!

aaarghh! so AIBU to just be really petty and let her cry and him deal with it, without intervening even though it makes me want to cry listening to her? I would have to keep this up all weekends, plus the evenings, obviously would step in if she was in danger, pain etc, but should I just leave him to it, not say anything, even though I know if I stepped in she would probably settle? plus all I want to do is cuddle her and make her feel better - I hate putting her through this just to sort his bloody ego out, but then if I keep trying to do evrything myself, I will either end up having a meltdown or leaving him, so maybe for the best in the long term to leave him to it?

So he has been trying to settle her for 7 hours? What has he been doing for all that time?

You need to be able to do things together as a team sometimes, can't he learn his way around it without upsetting her? I would go in to her, but keep things calm and friendly with dh, at least he wants to learn but it's not going to help any of you if it's so set in concrete as far as how things have to be for the weekend, especially if it's bothering you.

Just tell him you can't listen to her cry like that. The first few months are a steep learning curve for eveyone. It's a raw time first time round. It's best if everyone is more gentle with each other.

Hope it works out, sorry, I'm off to bed now.

Could you maybe just cuddle her a little, and then get him to do the nappy changes.
She is so little to be sleeping alone imho. At 11/12 weeksish she may be going through a growth spurt and might need a few extra feeds to settle her in the night. Babies never keep the same routines, they constantly change, frustratingly. I think that if you want to keep breastfeeding, then feed her to settle her so that your supply can match her needs through a growth spurt. If you don't mind giving her formula, then maybe you could get dh to bottle feed her, or you could express if that is possible for you.

No, please don't let her cry, she knows you know her already, could you not at least do it together? - i.e let's do this as a team so she knows we're both here for her and learn together... he may happen upon something she loves (one day!) and he will be able to show you, and vice versa... See where I'm going with this...!

Tough time tho, she's going from 'newborn' to baby. You help him, he helps you, united front for little girl, and hopefully bonding for you all, cheesy as it sounds, remember she does pick up on tension, as we all do, she's 8 weeks, not thick! Bless him for trying, hang on to that, even when you feel like crying with her!

Sorry - 11 weeks, she a big girl now! Aaww...

these first few weeks are so tough on both of you. i remember dh and i arguing lots. have you been to the post natal club section here on MN? there will be a thread for mums with babies born same time as your dd - they will be going through lots of same things as you at moment. i know that there was a time at 2 or three months old when lots of us were arguing with our OHs - it really helped to know it wasn't just us!

re tonight, just go an comfort her.

in general - it sounds like your OH feels excluded and a bit scared. he sounds lovely btw, wanting to do so much. is there any room for compromise?

it will get better. good luck!

its tough but my opinion was you can't put his ego over her welfare. Obviously he's coming from a good place, and he doesn't want to feel worthless. If she got to a raging point then I went in, regardless. I just used to say, I'm her mother and so I can't bear to hear it, or blame it on the hormones. He didn't like it, but I always explained what I was doing, what signs I was looking out for. In the end, he has to accept its better for her not to cry, DH will come to me now if she's been unhappy for about 30mins, let alone 7hours.

At first he would `shadow' me and then in a few days take over a set job. Being put down for the night is always the most dificult one anyway. Full immersion is not the way to go especially for our DH's who are blind to any cues et. Now he can do everything. I think go in, settle her and hand control over to him as soon as she's calm. Make it clear your helping, just calming down etc.

11weeks is still so young and he will get better. Also when she gets older he will be able to so much more.

As for doing everything at weekend well I'm speechless. I think normally these things are wrapped up with guilt and insecurities.

As for late bedtimes, I'm back at work so would like this, but know from experience that if its delayed she gets really upset.

Sorry bit of a ramble, sounds like we have similar DHs though.

DH has just said that it will be you paying the price for her having so little sleep in the week, and therefore its not fair.

i feel your pain! Its very early days and the whole SLEEP issue is huge, massive, as you are seeing

and the fights, unfortunately, are pretty normal too

he will learn, but in these early days she cant really be left to cry (and I have nothing against CC)

I had the same as you, the early daus were so hard I even went to relate!

no advice as all babies are different but want to resassure this is is NORMAL

comfort her and accept that this is the way for some time

As you are probably gathering from the other posts on this thread that this a very common issue in most households with a new baby. My Dh and I have had the very same arguments as have majority of my friends. The main reason behind this is that as you identified you spend all your time with your DD and so are more tuned into her needs and wants and she recognises you more by smell etc.

A few things me and my DH did to try and help make him feel more included in my DS's care were:

1. I would express as much as i could in the morning (when breasts are more full and so expressing much easier). Then when DH came home from work he would give DS a bath and do nightime routine with him and then give him a big bottle of expressed milk and put him to bed. In the beginning i would just observe DH and give him advice on how to handle and settle DS. It was difficult at first as all you want to do is take over. However, DH is now brilliant at this and i look forward to this time as my break for the day for some me time.

2. Try going out of the house on your own for a few hours to get hair done or shopping etc and leave DH alone with baby and some expressed milk. As long as you are not too far away in case DH needs you. I found this really difficult and was anxious the whole time constantly wanting to ring etc but this allows your DH and DD to become more familiar and confident with each other which is often the barrier to DH not being able to sucessfully settle baby. It also means you do not sit there constantly wanting to inferfer and feeling bad about it. He now really enjoys having his father and son time and i feel absolutely fine about leaving them together for a few hours.

3. Sometimes i think it is your smell that baby finds comforting and smell of your milk so i would wear one of DH t shirts for a few nights and squirt some milk on it then get DH to wear it when trying to settle baby.

I just kept reminding myself how i felt at the beginning before i had had a chance to get to know my DS and become in tune with him and how upsetting it would be for me if my DH could settle my DS and do everything for him and i could not. At the end of the day your DH just wants to get to know your DD and bond with her as he has seen you do. It will just take a litle time and paitence from both of you. At least he wants to help and be involved. My father did sweet FA to help my mum who had 5 children. I just do not know how she did it!!

Hope all goes well xx

porcam, this isn;t CC, her DH is with her, no suggestion he is leaving her.

It is hard - DH said with both that he didnt feel involved until after 6months. But then it goes the other way - he can settle dd to sleep much better than i can, same for DS when he was little. tell him it will get better but for now your dd mainly needs you.

My dd is nearly 11 weeks so I'm in the same boat as you OP. My dh does get a bit upset when he can't settle her (as all she wants at the moment is boob!) and at the moment while she is so little I feel that the easiest thing for all of us is if I take over when dd is crying. My theory is that men find little babies hard to deal with as they like to solve problems and become frustrated that they can't "fix" the baby iyswim.

Also, I am impressed you are attempting proper 7pm upstairs bedtime already - dd is still passing out at about 9pm downstairs after several hours of grumpiness! I then carry her upstairs in her basket. We get snappy with each other as dh wants a proper grown up evening and I'm usually bf-ing dd at the dinner table I think this is all fairly normal though and I'm trying to stay relaxed about it all although I have had bad moments!!

You really need to talk to him. I know it must be really difficult, but you have to. You need to explain that your daughter doesn't understand about work, and daddy wanting a turn. Maybe he is worried that if he doesn't do enough now, she will -always- prefer you. My husband did. It really doesn't work like that. She's going to grow, and be awake and happy for longer at a time, and want to play. And all that will come while you're still measuring her age in months! Right now, he needs to support you looking after her, and do side-jobs, iykwim, not rampage like a bull in a china shop trying to take over everything. She won't understand why it's all different, and certainly won't understand about weekends!

On another note, Mumsnet really illustrates how everyone is different; they want different things and get annoyed by different things...

For example, if my husband had ever even dreamed of complaining about breastfeeding during dinner and said that he desired a grown-up evening, I would still be simmering now (not saying there's anything wrong with your relationship, passionberry, just an example I noticed). On the other hand, people are astounded when I "allow" my husband to have trips away.

*"We get snappy with each other as dh wants a proper grown up evening and I'm usually bf-ing dd at the dinner table blush".

To be fair to dh, he doesn't complain that I'm bf-ing at the table! I just meant that we can get a bit snippy with each other at that time of day when we're tired and want to sit down with food and wine but know there's another hour of awake baby to go! Would think it's the same for other/most people??

Ah- I thought the worst of him, perhaps due to a friend's stories of an ex who really, among, many, many, many other things, did get upset at breastfeeding during dinnertimes.

It's hard for modern dads isn't it, my dh was very hands on, and in the early days I just wanted to snap at him 'oh give her to me' the whole time.
It is important that they feel that they are doing the right thing for their little babies, and it's brilliant for us to be able share the responsibility and night feeds, so it's worth persevering.
Men don't have the knowledge we have have absorbed over our lives listening to other women talking about babies, hell, most of the older women in my family don't think men should have anything to do with babies other than provide for them. My DH found it hard that every time he was holding our DD a older female relative would take her off of him, usually tsk'ing.
I'm rambling I know, and I really do sympathies with you. Go and have a word with him, tell him you really appreciate him, he's a wonderful father, you and his baby loves him, and then talk about how you can do things together.
Good luck!

Thank you all so much for your advice and support - Theres so much helpful stuff there that we can try, and I do feel better about the whole situation now. I did'nt wait much longer, just couldn't, but before I could go up he brought her to me an asked me to help, which is better than me stepping in I think - and he put her to bed tonight, however we left it until later, as he wanted to do it but wasn't ready when I noticed she was tired, so by the time he got around to it she was really overtired by then, so I had to feed her to calm her down, and sods law she went down straight away afterward - again he had asked me to take over for a bit, so didn't feel like I was taking over unasked, hopefully. so we have been doing a bit more of a fair share today and I have tried to ask him if he wants to change her, or push the buggy, or whatever, rather than just doing it myself - plus he left me to sleep this morning, apart from waking to feed her, first time I have slept for more than 3 hrs in a stretch for 3 months - hence why everything seems better!

Yesterday she hadn't actually been crying for 7 hours, sorry, just had to clarify that - she had been fine all day, but hadn't slept apart from a longish sleep in the morning - so apart from little catnaps hadn't had any sleep, but not crying, she rarely does - however she had got to the point of tiredness where she had slept being cuddled - but this always results in her waking up again when she is put down - she just will not stay asleep if she is moved, no idea why, so the 7pm bedtime thing (and this can vary by an hour or so, but then DH still gets home too late most nights)isn't us being all organised, just necessity, otherwise I had to spend all night with her asleep on me, and in the last heatwave we had, I just couldn't do it anymore, kept waking up all sweaty with a little hot body on me and dribble all down my front (hers, not mine!)

Its is so difficult, this parenting thing, not just the actual parenting, but the way it totally changes your relationship with the other half, that is going to take getting used to!

Thanks though, some brilliant suggestions, and I did talk to him about it today, and he likes the idea of the t-shirt to help her settle, and lots of other suggestions, like taking her in the bath with me, I haven't had a soak in the bath for ages, so that might really work - it's also nice to know its not just us that struggle.

Thanks people, much clearer head now and releived to know I wasn't being completely unreasonable to let him work it out for himself for a while at least..