to be slightly miffed at this?

[florence2511]

I have this friend. Let's call her A. She lives round the corner from me so we share lifts, babysit for each other in the evening and have coffee/playdates with our young children.

She has said to me on a couple of occasions that she must organise a girlie games/drinks night at hers. Well, I found out from a mutual friend that this night had occured last Saturday night and I hadn't been invited. Ok, so you can't invite everyone but what really erks is that I babysat for her the night before until midnight. I do her a favour and then she doesn't invite me to the Toddler Group girlie night that she arranged at hers the night after, that she has mentioned to me before.

I wish I had a thicker skin, but I don't and this hurt a little and has made me feel a little used.

I don't mind babysitting for her usually but after this I'm feel less inclined to.

She is meant to be babysitting for me tomorrow night and I really feel like cancelling my night with my lovely Hubby because of her. I am blazing really. What should I do.

AIBU? Am I? Should I just not let it bother me? Should I confirm babysitting to her tomorrow? Should I say something to her? I don't know. Should I slowly dissolve our friendship over something so trivial.

Help me put this into some sort of prospective - please!

Definitely don't cancel the babysitting, or you will have even more to resent her for! Make sure you enjoy the evening out, and only after you enjoy it (soothing your resentment a bit), ask her why she didn't tell you about the night at hers, when she had asked you for it before, and when you had been babysitting the night before. It is perfectly fair to ask these questions. Just ask the question and wait (no ranting; she'll get defensive, or maybe even offensive, and things could be ruined very quickly.)

However, it's important to ask this in the right frame of mind, and to just ask, rather than accuse. If she did it out of malice, or was being hypocritical in asking you in the first place, she may start a fight, but don't start it yourself!

I'd just ask her in a light hearted way "so when is this party, I heard you had one for some friends recently" I'd then try to judge from her reaction and take it from there.

It seems odd for her to mention to you and then go ahead without inviting you especially as you seems to have a fairly close friendship.

I have my own issue with a "friend" just now. Every time we make an arrangement to meet or for her to come to our house with her DC she has some excuse and cancels at the last minute. This has happened about 4 times in a row (yesterday was the last time) and I'm not too pleased as DS is only 3 and its hard for me to explain to him his wee friends are not able to come and play anymore. TBH I'm going to take a back seat for a while, I have plenty of other friends to spent the summer with. Once I was actually meeting her at softplay and she called 20mins late to say her DS had got a bump and was crying and she couldn't make. I just didnt believe her, I could just tell from her voice she couldn't be bothered.

Sorry to bombard you with my story, I hope you get somewhere with your situation it would be ashame for you to lose, what seems like most of the time, a good friend over this.

Do you also attend the same toddler group? If so, then it seems mean of her not to invite you. How did you find outabout it?

I would ask her about it and tell her how you feel but I wouldn't cancel the babysitting. You would be martyring yourself if you did that.

Personally I would think carefully about spoiling a mutual babysitting arrangement but just make sure you don't do more for her than she does for you in the future.

"Personally I would think carefully about spoiling a mutual babysitting arrangement but just make sure you don't do more for her than she does for you in the future. "

Very well said, Besom.

I do think it's a little strange that she'd casually mention the idea of a girly night to you but then not invite you when she actually holds a party, however:

1. You seem particularly annoyed that she didn't invite you after you babysat for her the night before, thereby doing her a favour. As far as I can see, she IS returning the favour- by babysitting for you tomorrow night.

2)Do you even know for definite that this was a 'party'? Maybe she literally just had a few friends over and didn't want to turn it into a bigger event? I know it sounds accusatory, but for all you know the other friend that told you about her party could have been exaggerating, or simply have described it in a more exciting way- people do this all the time in my experience!

3. DON'T cancel her babysitting session. What would be the point? You and your husband won't get a night out, you'll sit in seething, and nothing good will come of it!

I think farybubbles' suggestion was perfect- raise the issue in a light-hearted way with her. If it turns out that it was a proper party and that she just didn't want you there, then I think you need to move on regardless. Keep it in mind that she's obviously not as good a friend as you would have hoped, but you've got somebody that's willing to babysit for you and can let your kids play together.

I hope this helps a bit.

it seems very odd - definitely give her a chance to explain. I can't believe she'd mention it to you then not bother inviting you.

yes i agree tsc but if that's the case you wouldn't tend to mention it...or would you?? Maybe you would?

Given she's mentioned a girly night a couple of times, she probably thinks of it a casual thing that you chat about and eventually get around to doing by inviting whoever happens to cross your path that day. If I were you I'd hold off being upset now, fake a thicker skin and invite her and a couple of friends round for a glass of wine yourself.

Thanks for your comments everyone. Find it very hard to get on mumsnet very often as my stupid computer always comes up with error messages when trying to get on this website only and i am 5 hours behind you all so sorry foir the delay in replying.

I wont cancel the babysitting as Hubby wants to go out with me tonight. But I will consider that maybe she isn't the friend I thought she was and take it from there.

Not sure about ansking er about it though as I never get my tone of voice right...

How well do you know the other friend who told you this?

I am asking because fannily enough something like this happened to me few weeks ago. A 'friend' A just invited herself to mine and we had coffee. Next day she went to the other friend 'B', and told her i had a wine night and i invited her but she wonders why i left B out! People do this.

I would ask your friend and give her the chance to explain.

I've know her for a couple of years now. She is great, never malicious and may blurt things out, not in a cruel way but in a slip of the tongue way. She didn't actually tell me about the party but gave me clues then other clues came about and I put 2 and 2 together. I didn't make 5 as you didn't have to be a genius to work around this one!

(arf at 'fannily'!)

Ops just seen it. I know i should read my posts before i press 'post' but i never do!