Sort of AIBU/Kids Developememt question

[rockinhippy]

but the development section seems to be younger than my DD, & I suppose I am asking AIBU to expect my generally very bright & often too grown up for her age, yr 2, 7 year old to take responsibility for herself sometimes??....

she is probably the oldest in her class, & I do believe in bringing her up from an early age to be able to look after herself.....ie early with everything from tying her own laces to helping put her own clean washing away, making herself a sandwich etc,

I feel it boosts her confidence & she is a very independent, if not stubborn moo at times , but I've never pushed her, she WANTS to do for herself, & is very confident & good at it & people, even Teachers she meets who don't know her, always think she is older than she actually is because of the way she talks & how sensible she is

but sometimes she just expects me to do for her, & gets very stroppy that I think she is old enough to take resposibility for certain things herself, & not expect me to remember/know everything

Examples....yesterday I was handed the slap on the wrist bog standard letter complaing about her not having proper PE kit

I wasn't too chuffed, as I had a blinding headache & just wanted to get home quickly, but I knew she DID have a full PE kit, 2 changes depending on activity & weather....teacher tells me she's complained her shoes don't fit......which is the first I've heard of it......so we go back into look at her PE kit.........DD tells me her shoes are fine, but she needs socks, as they rub....she has socks.........

turns out she has lost 1 bag of kit.......most of which bar socks I find in lost property box .........when I complain, she just tells me..."well it went missing ages ago" (probably a week) but I'm a bit cross she has neither bothered to look for it, nor tell me so I can sort it out, she just shrugs her shoulders, as if no big deal, but i'm saying.....actually, you are not a baby any more & this is YOUR responsibility, & I'm not happy about this.

Then this Morning, they have a "wheely day" they can take wheeled toys, scooters, bikes etc into School, I have health problems & mornings are bad for me, so I ask her to remind me in the Morning........

we do get everything ready, & have it by the door, but I'm struggling at the minute & have a lot of other stuff to sort out today, so I completely forget

When she realises it a full on sulky strop at School several of her friends asking why shes so upset.....& then leaves me without saying goodbye leaving me not even knowing she has already gone into class as she went a different way round to avoid me & I'm left looking for her....because I told her she's not the only 1 who has forgotten & to snap out of it & not to take it out on me, as she forgot to, & is old enough to remember for herself

I had 2 other Mums who I speak to ask whats wrong....both surprised I expect her to rember for herself ...but their Kids are the opposite end of the spectrum to DD, in that they are both younger 1s in class, & slower in lace tying type things, which I just put down to age difference, as there is almost a year

AIBU Do I expect too much from her at this age...or AIBR & bringing her up towards being a responsible adult, & not a Princess who expects everything done for her

Maybe slightly unreasonable to blame her entirely as she is only 7 however I do agree in instilling a bit of responsibility in children of that age. My DSs junior school is very big on this. Teacher is not allowed to check their bags for any notes from a parents, homework etc, etc as they are expected to remember these things themselves and hand them to the teacher.

Conversely the school is not big on sending home notes about things and again expects the children themselves to pass messages on such as about non uniform day etc etc. Children certainly end up being quite confident and independant which is a good thing. however the story you told about the PE kit is a carbon replica of incidents with my DS1 (now 10). He's a bit of a dreamer where as DS2 who is about to turn 6 is much better.

Can you not possibly take the item into school for her if she's really upset??

yes you are so YABU. She sounds like she's doing very well but you need to cut her some slack.

All you can do is teach her what to do when things get lost,
retrace her steps
ask teacher for help
let you know
look in lost property

She may get some of it right, she may get all of it right but your expectations are way too high if you're imaginging her to cope with everything like an adult!

It is difficult when you are coping with your own problems but seriously she is still a little kid.

I speak from having gone through this myself. I have DC1 who loses everything unless it's stapled to his forehead (and even then!)and DC2 who just gets it and is more practical about these things so I never have to worry about him. Even though he is younger.

Spend more energy on teaching her the methods and worry less about her getting them right all the time IYSWIM?

Thanks Golden......Her School is similar, which I also think is a good thing.........though I'm not expecting her to take full responsibility, just some and not be angry with me if I forget myself.

& yes I would of taken the Scooter up for her, though its out of the way & not that easy today, but her attitude to me this morning was disgusting, so I've decided not to because of that, don't think it will be sending her the right message

Yes brass, I DO SWYM,

but I HAVE already done ALL of that & then some, & I don't expect her to cope like an adult at all, & do put a lot of time & effort into teaching her what/how to do in different situations........I agree she IS too young for full on responsibility......but ATM, she is taking NO responsibility at all & then getting very angry with me, or acting like we have money to burn & its not important enough to even mention, or look for if things go missing.......... funny really, because she can be very teenage in her general attitude at the minute.....I had a huge scare with her when we were out at the weekend, as she took it upon herself to just walk off & do her own thing....for 45 minutes.........then acted like I was the over bearing over protective Mum when I eventually found her....strop for the rest of the day over that 1

& I was curious as to what others do with/expect of their 7/8 yr olds as regards this sort of this.........I honestly DON"T treat her as an adult, but do think its good for her to take SOME responsibility for herself, &

I've just re read my original post, & I realise your right.....its not clear is it.....sorry still dealing with headaches so a bit rubbish explaining myself ATM

its her ATTITUDE I was cross with, which today was very snarly & sulky & rude to everyone, & growling & refusing to speak to me, bar to tell me I'm a rubbish Mum & its my fault"...& yesterday, very "so what, its not that important is it you can buy another 1"

....& NOT her not getting it right all the time

& the other Mums of younger kids comments did leave me wondering what level of responsibility is the "norm" at this sort of age .....though as already said, her School like to encourage them to take responsibility for themselves too

I do tend to agree that she is doing so SO well, you may tend to forget she is only 7

Of course she is going to be stroppy and upset if she has missed out on something that she thought was going to be fun- and if you forget things in the morning so might she...

Cut her some slack maybe and let her be a kid- even if she is a stroppy kid
No offense honest- I just think kids you act and look older can have a really hard time

I can really relate to what you are saying about it and I feel you are stuck in a rut of being annoyed with her like I was with mine. Which probably isn't helping her attitude.

The money thing used to really sting as well because I just COULD NOT afford to keep replacing everything that went awol. This was my problem because as a child he was too young to understand that part of my frustration however much I explained it to him.

I did back off though and we spent some time making lists and sticking them on doors etc and asking him whether he had everything BEFORE we left the school gates etc.

Anyway he DID improve and handles it much better but I'm sure a big part of that is knowing I'm not going to be immediately cross and him immediately in trouble if something does go wrong.

Can I just say a couple of things here (and I'm sorry if this seems harsh) but...

Taken aside, the events of this morning seem rather unfair. You asked her to remind you because you knew you would forget... and now she seems to be getting all the blame and the telling off. Why didnt you make more of an effort to remember? Write a note for yourself or something... you surely don't expect your 7 year old to be more on the ball than you are? YOU are the adult, SHE is the child (and rather a little child at that!)

I take your point about her attitude - I would be fuming about that, as well, but if you want her to be more grown up, that's going to (have to) spill over. You are cross with her for forgetting, yes? Why should she not be cross with you?

And if it's a recent thing, and she's not normally like that and she's not normally forgetful, then maybe that's a hint that there's something deeper going on.

Have you perhaps pushed too far, too fast, so that she feels under pressure? This could be a reaction - her way of testing whether she can be a child.

I get that you feel crap, and I feel sorry for you, and I get that she's normally better, but at the the end of the day, she's just a little girl. Is she never allowed to act like one without getting shouted at, from the sounds of things, quite nastily?

In fact, I would have thought the fact that she isn't typically forgetful and stroppy would be cutitng her some slack but it seems to be making it worse.

I'm not trying to say it's all your fault and that she has nothing to apologise for - I would certainly have been making an issue of the PE kit thing - but you seem to expect her to be very grown up in some ways, with all this resposibility, but then you snap her back to being her actual age (with the wandering off - and rightly so) and then get cross when she's not a grown up again when it suits.

It might just be that she's very confused and testing the boundaries.

Thanks for all your responses

I'm losing the plot now , but I just can't see who mentioned forward kids getting a hard time of it, as they act old, but aren't really....food for thought, thank you,

especially as shes our only Child, & nothing really to compare her with, as friends have either boys, or girls who similar to her, or youngets of bigger families who are the opposite to her...if that makes sense.....so will cut her some slack...though not for the attitude & running off again

& Sorry Ginnybag,

but you are reading stuff into my post thats just not there.........theres nothing in my post that mentions shouting & definitely not nastily at her........,I have NEVER shouted at her in her life, & I don't "snap" at anyone.......firm yes, but I am not by nature a shouter & screamer, never have been, never will be I don't believe it solves anything, & I'm old enough & wise enough to know how to keep my cool & conduct myself properly....

I wasn't aat all cross with her until she got stroppy, &then she was simply told "calmly" that I don't appreciate her attitude & reminded her it won't get her anywhere with me, which she knows as we've always been very clear with her as to what the boundaries are.

I also didn't "expect" her to remember, but I had hoped she would as she was excited by it, & I explained the night before....calmly,.... that I wasn't feeling well, so might need help remembering in the Morning, so it would be good if she could remember too.....

& sadly notes etc don't help....I've a 4ft high whiteboard in my kitchen that I write stuff on......but due to a health condition that came on when she was much younger, if I'm going through a rough patch, then sadly tattooing things on my eyelids won't help me remember its just the way it is,

In recent times shes had counselling,(sp) due to a bullying issue, & the counsellor reassured me that she isn't at all affected by my health problems, the only she worries she had, was the bullying, which thankfully has now resolved itself.... naturally how my health affected her has always been a worry, so it was something I was keen for the counsellor to delve into.

The wandering off at the weekend was out & out defiance, in that we were due to leave & she didn't want to....she owned up to that later.........she does go through phases of pushing the boundaries & gets annoyed that she doesn't have more freedom than she does.....but like you say she is still only little, but she compares herself to our friends 11 year old, & in many ways they are on par...but obviously not when it comes to going out on her own

thanks again

you're dealing with other things too at the moment so maybe theres an overspill of expectations...from her and of yourself! And yes it still sounds like you're stuck in this rut.

Validate that she's a child and bound to make mistakes (as we all do) but mummy will help her find a way to deal with them and that it doesn't have to be the end of the world (for either of you).

Cut yourself some slack too and try and have a nice weekend with her. Good luck OP.