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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be peed off with DP?

14 replies

mummyfee · 02/07/2010 00:51

I've got PND though feeling a little better of late. I have been going to evening classes and tonight was the very last one. I told DP that I would go down to the pub afterwards for a drink or two if everyone else was as I haven't done so through the duration of the course and just wanted to say goodbye to the other students etc. I rarely rarely go out. The course ran on, as it quite often does, do finished at 10pm, we went to the pub and I had one drink and then checked my messages (again) and had one from DP to ask when I would be home as the baby hadn't settled. I said that I would finish up and then head home so I finished my drink (but didn't neck it), went to the loo and was about to leave when he called asking me where I was - this was 20 mins after the first text. I said that I was just about to leave the pub and he was really cross. But the baby was fine, not crying or unhappy just wide awake and I didn't really see why I should have to rush home just because the baby is awake. I did however leave straight away and come straight home where he was seething. Baby still totally fine. He flared up, saying I was being sarcastic, which I absolutely wasn't. At which point I did get pretty cross as it's so rare I get out, nothing was wrong and the baby being awake through the evening is not a rare occurance, it's pretty routine for me. He puts our older child to bed and then pretty much clocks off as if the baby is not his responsibility. I suspect that part of the reason he was soo peed off with me is that we have been away on holiday so he has not been to the pub for a couple of weeks and he resented me being out.

The argument went down hill very rapidly and he's now god knows where, but then I told him not to come back til he grows up so that's probably my fault.

I'm just so cross that he ruined my once in a blue moon night out and apparently thinks I am pretty useless and worthless (I'd like to see him get up three times every night to feed the baby).

AIBU?

OP posts:
Tombliboob · 02/07/2010 01:08

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blackberryway · 02/07/2010 01:47

Of ocurse YANBU. This was a rare night out and unless there's a real problem he should just leave you be to enjoy it, especially as it's the end of the course so unlikely to happen again anytime soon. He sounds pretty selfish and you sound sick of it so perhaps it's time to start rooting out these probs? Hope you get some more answers tommorow in normal hours. x

Tryharder · 02/07/2010 07:24

But tombliboob, the OP didn't say she was heading straight home. She said she would finish her drink and then head home.

If her baby had been screaming it's head off, then yes, she should have gone straight home but there was no problem, baby was awake. My youngest was still awake at 10.30pm last night - it's the heat and humidity I think.

He sounds very selfish and immature, How old is he? 18? I hate all this seeming inability by some men to care for their own children or acting like they are paid babysitters doing you a fucking favour by looking after their own kids once in a while.

Hopefully you can talk about this calmly later, OP. But it's not as if you had gone out for a all night clubbing session, you were at an evening class, followed by the mandatory end of course drink. Big deal.

YA so NBU.

AnyFucker · 02/07/2010 07:27

yanbu

your partner is a selfish arse

EleanorHandbasket · 02/07/2010 07:30

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EleanorHandbasket · 02/07/2010 07:32

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mamsnet · 02/07/2010 07:34

Tryharder speaks a lot of sense..

But I think that, unfortunately, many men are very happy to look after the older child (on their terms ) but the baby is the mother's problem..

I'd set him straight on that one as quickly as possible!

And finally, seeing as you did ask, I think it sounds like you both acted like a pair of kids in the end!! I know sleep deprivation does terrible things.. but the transition from 1 child to 2 is haaard and maybe you need to sort out the "rules" a bit better..

Good luck

PfftTheMagicDragon · 02/07/2010 07:58

YANBU

I suppose he has become used to you being at home while he does whatever he pleases - evenings to himself while you take care of the baby, nights out at the pub whenever he likes.

He should have been happy to take care of the baby and told you to stay out as late as you liked. That is what my DH would have done.

christina1971 · 02/07/2010 08:19

YANBU - for once you were out and "off duty" (as your DP may see it) for a little bit. It's horrible when you're made to feel that your DP is doing you a favour, and that you should come rushing back at the first sign of trouble, especially when you have been low. You need to thrash this one out when you're feeling calmer. It sounds like you really need more support from him.

diamondsandtiaras · 02/07/2010 08:36

sooo many men see a baby as the mothers sole responsibility........it's crap!

YANBU. You should speak to him and tell him you want to start having a regular break from the DCs......whether its a night out or an afternoon. Doesn't matter what you do as long as you get some time away from being mummy. we all need it for the sake of our sanity. I speak as a former PND sufferer.

Original poster
mummyfee · 02/07/2010 15:43

Thanks everyone. It's good to know that I am not being unreasonable (though totally agree that I let things escalate later on). And, yep, I didn't say I would be straight home as there really didn't seem to be any urgency in the original message. 20 mins under those circumstances didn't seem too bad, particularly as it only takes 10-15 mins to get home.

We sat up til gone three in the morning to try and work it out. Part of the trouble is that he was a bachelor for a long time before we got together and he got used to doing what he liked so he does still have a bit of a sense of entitlement. He's supportive of me going out, in principle, but I think in practice finds it hard to swallow me having a night out when he is at home 'babysitting'.

I am quite gutted to have had to cut the evening short as I didn't get to properly say goodbye or thank the tutors.

OP posts:
Squitten · 02/07/2010 16:02

He needs to grow up. He may not have noticed but he is a parent now and you are as entitled to have your fun as he is. If he thinks he should be able to go out and do as he pleases, who does he think should be looking after his children?

I sincerely hope that you set him straight! YADNBU

slushy · 02/07/2010 16:19

YANBU I Go out probably once a year but when I do boy do I go out I don't come home till about 5am I am usually extremely drunk and dp usually has to get up to see to me . But my dp seems to find it attractive( even though I am in no state for anything) and funny the woman he knew before dc so maybe that is why he encourages

'Part of the trouble is that he was a bachelor for a long time before we got together and he got used to doing what he liked so he does still have a bit of a sense of entitlement'

This I think is you excusing his behavior you may as well of said yes but he is a man. I don't think this is a good enough excuse.

slushy · 02/07/2010 16:19

I also agree he may be making your PND worse.

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