Mum. Again. Grrr.

[JaneS]

My mum usually (to be bluntly honest) behaves like a spoiled child: lovely when she gets her own way but likely to throw a tantrum if she has to put up with anything else. She has made lots of offers to help with my wedding, and she is making us cake as she makes delicious ones, and I wanted to give her something to do.

I don't like upsetting her and in a way it would be lovely to get her involved more, as she'd like to be. Recently she invited me to stay the night at my parents' house before I went to a really important conference, for which I needed to get up at 3am and get a taxi to the airport. It was a pretty good indication of what she might be like at a wedding, as that day she got all stressed about the new kitchen she's getting made in a couple of months and woke me up at 11pm and told me to come downstairs and look at designs for it. Then at 1am she and my dad had a shouting match because I'd gone to bed and they were arguing about the new kitchen. So I got 2 hours sleep.

It basically proved to me that she's completely incapable of putting her feelings on hold, certainly not for my sake, and I bet she'll be the same for my wedding.

In the past few days, she's made the cakes, then thrown a tantrum because she made a mistake piling them on top of each other and they are 'ruined', she must do another batch.

She's told me my shoes are 'hideous' and I mustn't wear them.

She's told me the dress I like is 'ok but not great and you won't feel comfortable'.

And she's said 'oh, you shouldn't bother with a photographer, it's a waste of time and money'. She also doesn't want me to wear makeup as she claims the smell will make her feel sick.

She would be shocked to know I feel like this, but I am so fed up with her. When she doesn't like something, if she is being 'restrained', she will make faces and grit her teeth. I really don't want her anywhere near me when she's doing this. Both my brothers will be ready to step in and distract her or take her off somewhere quiet if she shows signs of getting furious, but I'm still a bit stressed. Any ideas to help? Or am I just being a total bridezilla?

weddings and mothers let me think....

my mother told me she didn't want to see my dress until the day then threw a strop because I didn't invite her to go dress shopping.

lectured me about not having a photographer

told me my suggestion of having carrot cake instead of proper wedding cake was ridiculous

moaned so much about my desire to have a humanist wedding that I gave in and got a minister to conduct it

3 weeks before the wedding I took her out shopping for shoes for her outfit and told her I'd had a miscarriage the week before whilst she was on holiday - she never asked how I was but proceeded to lecture me about how stupid and dangerous it had been for me to be on my own (hubby was away on his stag do when it happened), I could have had an ectopic pregnancy, I could have died..blah, blah, blah....ranted and raved about how upset she was that I'd not phoned her when it happened and then left me standing in the street crying.

told me I was just being spiteful when I rejected her suggestion of having Highland Cathedral played on the pipes before the ceremony until the minister agreed with me that it was more of a funeral tune

told me on the day with that look....you know the look....that i looked ok, but that my dress was odd

I could go on

I've typed so much that I've forgotten now what I was going to say

tell her how you feel, even if it does cause upset for a few days, it's your wedding and you should be able to do it how you want to.....and promise all your friends and siblings a large bottle of something to keep her out of your hair on the day

Wow ..... ok, maybe my mum isn't so bad!

I should have started a 'tell me all the things your mum did when you got married' thread really. I suspect it's nature's way of making us really want to keep the 'til death do us part' bit ... if only so we never have to go through another wedding!

lol Dragon, I think you could be right My mum can be ridiculously hard work but that is purely down to an awful lots of unresolved childhood issues she went through and tbh at 74 she ain't gonna change now we have a blow out maybe once every 18 months or so (as do my other siblings) and then we get back to loving her because she is our mum and she deserves it - whatever her faults we all still love her......could wring her bloody neck sometimes...but then she most likely thinks the same about us

seriously though, weddings are sent to try us, the best thing to do is don't sweat the small stuff, let her have her drama about the cake but don't get too involved - tell her how stressed you are getting worrying about her getting stressed and she might well back off a wee bit

Hope your day is as wonderful as mine ended up :O

Thanks! I wish my mum would change but, like you, I know it's not going to happen now, not really!

Mums and weddings are tough. I married in the UK, but my parents are in the US and insisted on throwing us a 'reception', even though we didn't want one. Went along with it to keep my mother happy. She asked my opinion on a venue and I said absolutely did not want venue A as I'd been there before and thought the location was dodgy and the venue tacky. I chose venue B.

Then I ordered invitations (and paid for them) online and had them sent to my parents house. Mom got them, decided she didn't like them and had new ones made, that stated the reception would be at venue A!

Bit my tongue as I wasn't paying for the venue. Was asked what menu would I like for the meal. I gave her several options. On the day, none of the options were there, as she didn't think the majority of guests would like, (gasp) chicken!

Then I was told that they wouldn't pay for alcohol (my parents are teetotalers - very religious). I said fine, I'd buy it myself, but that none of her friends were entitled to drink any of it. Well, given how many of her friends drink, she backed down on that one. My only victory of the night!

I hated the reception, it was nothing like I would have planned/wanted, was full of my mom's friends, some I'd never even met before. I put on a nice smile, spoke to everyone (introduced myself to some) and made it through the evening. Then I congratulated myself on paying for my own wedding and doing it my way, b/c if this was any indication, allowing my parents a hand in it would have meant I'd have been very unhappy with the outcome.

That's my long winded way of saying, don't involve your mother if you are at all worried. You wouldn't want to spend your wedding day just grinning and bearing it.

Valium. That's how I got through my wedding - dropped half a Valium the night before and the other half at breakfast. My whole family are highly strung and prone to arguments/tantrums/panic attacks at any occasion, so I knew I wouldn't be getting through the day without a little help!

Valium sounds good. My supervisor has suggested that a hefty shot of booze before the aisle is a good bet too.

Tarheel (what a great name! Where does it come from?), yes, I think I need to get my courage up and tell her to stay out of it. It's a shame because she would love to think she was in the thick of it really helping out, but actually we will both enjoy it more if everything just quietly happens around her.