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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find motherhood a million times harder than I thought it would be?

40 replies

poshsinglemum · 30/06/2010 20:56

Don't get me wrong- I do love being a mum and dd is the best thing that has ever happened me but I do miss my ''freedom'' and spontenaity.

I love doing things with dd but also miss having adult time. Mabe it's because I'm a single mum. I find it so hard being labelled as a single mum and therefore a benefts scrounger as I have a good university degree. I had a career and i feel like I now have NO status.

If I didn't have her I would be moaning taht I wanted to be a mum tho.

She's two and nothing is right and causes tantrums. Mabe its the age.

I also feel guilty ALL of the time.

OP posts:

onsabbatical · 30/06/2010 22:11

It's very very tough having continuous sole charge of a 2 year old so YANBU.

You are bound to miss your old carefree life BUT, speaking as one with teenagers now, having children is honestly the best thing I have ever done in my life and when I look at my 50 year old friends with no kids, I wouldn't swap their lives with mine even though those toddler years - and others - are tough.

I found 3 years old a real milestone in terms of not needing constant supervision. At that age they can play with something on their own nearby whilst you get on with something else and can even switch on CBeebies themselves early in the morning :-) They also get over that tantrum phase because they pick up the vocabulary to explain to you what they are upset about. And they become more and more interesting to talk to, and great company :-)

I feel for you and wish you well and am sure you are a great mum. You will reap the rewards over the years...you are doing the toughest bit first!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 30/06/2010 22:12

Sorry to shout. I know what you mean. but a lot of emotional and physical stuff is being taken out of you ATM. This is the hardest time. You need to recharge your reserves so you can give it back to your DD.

The up-side is that once you are through this - doing it YOUR way, (and you are doing the best you can), you will re-discover yourself, and IME, you'll realise that you have also gained a lot from being a parent

Meglet · 30/06/2010 22:14

Actually sabbatical has got a good point. Mine are 22mo and 3.7, when they are together it's carnage.

But I had DS on his own one day and we got the train to london, with no pushchair and had a pretty civilised time seeing the dinosaurs . When DD is his age he will be at school so life should be easier then.

swallowedAfly · 30/06/2010 22:16

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Message withdrawn

Omarlittlest · 30/06/2010 22:21

the biggest problem is the feminists didn't win! (....Yet)
so we're still stuck in a society where we dont have decent childcare ( for god's sake we are bringing up the next generation if that isn't worthy of a tax break i don't know what is )_ did you know that in scandnavia if you are a sinlge mum you are entitled to your full year of maternity leave plus another as you are a single mother -

I wish people would stop banging on about guilt and start campaigning for change. Its actually not about You at all its a shit system which You are compensating for.... and even worse feeling guilty for...

sevenkeystomysoul · 30/06/2010 23:45

poshsinglemum, I hear you sweetheart. I used to have a career, a home I called my own (though in actual fact the mortgage company owned it and exercised their rights to it a year ago), the ability to go out at the drop of a hat - and stay out, if I chose (and have a day off 'sick' the next day), the finances to have whatever I wanted for myself, whether it was new shoes or a holiday or the latest beauty treatment, the luxury of time to read crappy chick-lit, the list goes on... But, I have traded it all in for the love of a just-three-year-old. She drives me to distraction, doesn't appreciate a damn thing I do for her (everything), goes into melt-down when I try to get two minutes on the laptop to look at my bank account and work out whether the p/t salary, plus TC's are going to be enough to pay her pre-school fees and her child minder this month, because she wants to watch CBeebies on the 'pooter, and generally doesn't stop demanding my time and total attention from the minute she wakes up till she goes to sleep. She is the tantrum queen, the archangel of unreasonableness (sorry, but the terrible two's are a pinic compared with the fearsome three's). But... I adore her, couldn't live without her, she is my heart and my soul. I just have to look at her to see that she is all that matters, and everything else, the lack of freedom/money/status just doesn't matter. I feel guilty all the time too, I think it goes with the territory. I have sat on the floor at times with DD, with tears in my eyes and literally begged her to be a good girl, lord knows what that's going to do to her psyche but we can only do so much as parents (and particularly us, as single parents). This morning was a typical example - ten minutes before her childminder was due to pick her up and 20 minutes before I was due at work. She refused to let me put her sunscreen on. In the end I gave up. Cue 'Mummy!' 'Mummy, MUMEEEEEE!' Me: 'WHAT?' DD: 'I love you mummy, all the world and all the stars ever.' That's what it's all about and I'll happily trade in everything I no longer have just for that.

JaynieB · 30/06/2010 23:50

I think its gets a bit easier after 3ish. I sometimes get to go to the toilet on my own now and even had the luxury of an unaccompanied shower recently - I hadn't appreciated how much of a luxury that would feel!
My DD is not that hard work really, she knows her own mind, but is mostly a joy and pleasure to spend time with.
Must be especially hard on the trying days not to have someone to give you a hand or a break for a little me-time.

VelmaKelly · 01/07/2010 05:28

can I add to this? I'm finding it very hard with DD's 3 and 18mths. I'm a SAHM and seem to spend all my time picking things up and cajoling DD's to play nicely, avoid tanties and trying to keep the house in order. Then in the evening, I have to listen to DH and hear all about his work issues..... I'm finding it bl**dy hard and lonely too.

swallowedAfly · 01/07/2010 11:28

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Message withdrawn

JaynieB · 02/07/2010 21:26

swallowedAfly - your post made me reflect, I hadn't appreciated that perspective.

EricNorthmansmistress · 02/07/2010 21:53

as women we are expected to be NATURALS at it and totally selfless yet I am a selfish cow tbh. We are taught taht motherhood is the pinacle of our existence

What?????????????? Who told you that and why did you believe them?

I am a crap SAHM. I couldn't wait to get back to work by the time my leave was up - I went back a month earlier than planned. I get the odd flash of guilt but I know I'm doing a good job and DS loves me and is happy and that's all that matters. Who said you had to be a natural and perfect?

How is DD's sleeping? Do you need to work on that? I know evenings in alone can be a bit boring but at least you can have a long bath/read/wine when she's in bed. When DH was away for two months I worked 3 days a week and needed it. After a bank holiday weekend and 5 days straight with DS I was rattling to get back to work. It worked out worth it with nursery fees and tax credits - can you do that?

marge2 · 02/07/2010 22:00

I think you are totally normal actually . I am married with a decent helpful Dh and I still think it was a million times harder than I thought it would be when kids were in the terrible 2s stage. Heaven alone knows how you single girls manage! It def does get easier when they go to school though. You will get a whole new social life.

sungirltan · 02/07/2010 22:27

i'm not a single mum but i might as well be (dh works away far too much to be of any use) i feel your pain. i seem to go through this guilt cycle with dd (9 months) where if i have a productive day i feel guilty i didnt play with dd that much and if i play with dd all the time everything else falls apart and so on and on....

meanwhile they do change once the terrible two cyclone has passed. my newphew was a little toad at 2.5 but is quite lovely now at 3 :-)

Bumperlicious · 03/07/2010 14:20

I really sympathise and I am not even on my own. I have DD who has just turned 3 and am 7 months pregnant.

The other day I thought to myself, I actually don't enjoy this a lot of the time. My DD is lovely, though a typical 2/3 year old, and she talks sooooo much, she just doesn't stop. If I hear 'Mummy...' one more time today I might scream! I am doing a shit job at the moment. I work 4 days a week, am knackered and low on patience with being pg and we just moved house last weekend so are in a state of flux.

It's tough, and I feel like DD just doesn't get enough from me, mostly just nagging

Respect to you OP for being a single mum and having any remaining sanity!

brittanyroy1 · 05/11/2020 14:37

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