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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be peeved with mother who 'forgot' arrangements for her dd to come over to play

70 replies

hmc · 30/06/2010 19:49

Ha ha! - feel like I am taking my life into my hands asking you lot if I am being unreasonable.

Arranged with mum of a newish girl in class (think she started after Easter if I remember correctly)for her dd to come after school to play with my dd - since both girls have established a firm friendship. I would pick up her dd from school at the same time as mine - so she wouldn't have to turn out with her toddler in tow.

Am not entirely without fault - on the day in question it occurred to me - Holy crap! dd has her dyslexia tutor straight after school! (tutor sees her at school when school finishes) so dd wouldn't be available until 4pm, not the usual 3.15 departure time.

Decided I must ring the mum of other girl - was going to give her some options (1) I would pick up her dd at 3.15 as pre-arranged and she could hang around with me and ds for 45 minutes for my dd to finish with her tutor, or (2) we could reschedule if her dd would prefer (3) she could pick up her dd at 3.15, and I would subsequently collect her dd from her house (short distance from mine) at 4pm when dd had finished with the tutoring.

Didn't however have her phone number so rang school office - who understandably wouldn't pass on her number, but rang on my behalf and left a message on her answer machine asking her to phone me (they left her details of my phone number).

Well she didn't phone me all day - so I had little option but to go to the school at 3.15 to collect her dd (at the back of my mind was the fear that she hadn't checked her answer machine all day or had been out and about a lot - and I didn't want her dd left forlorn and not collected)

So I schlep up to school just to collect her dd (mine - remember, is still being tutored until 4pm)....to be told by the form teacher that the other child "isn't in today - planned absence" wtf?

Now everyone makes mistakes - but shouldn't the mum concerned have made grovelly apologies to me next day or so? She hasn't said a thing!

Dd is pushing me to invite the child again - but I can't quite bring myself to talk to the mum (I should just get over myself, shouldn't I!)

OP posts:

Salbysea · 01/07/2010 11:51

I would say that she never considered the arrangements "firmed up". She hadn't given you her contact details yet so I doubt she thought the plans were ever finalised even before she forgot the vague arrangements.

You wouldn't send you child to a new friends house without giving the parents a way to reach you would you, so is it possible that wires were crossed and what you thought was a firm arrangement, she thought was a "sometime, maybe some time like thursday, we'll see" that was never mentioned again so not happening.

I really cant imagine she thought that was it and it was all planned if she hadn't given her number

Salbysea · 01/07/2010 11:53

sorry, wednesday not thursday

Hullygully · 01/07/2010 11:57

I'd be cross. You hadn't forgotten, only the tutor part, and you tried your best to contact her and even turned up at 3.15 as arranged.

If she "forgot" she's deranged, if she didn't bother about it, she's an arse.

But not the dd's fault so I'd still make an effort for her.

toccatanfudge · 01/07/2010 11:59

"If she "forgot" she's deranged, if she didn't bother about it, she's an arse."

hmm - nice attitude you have there. I'm one that is likely to forget about arrangements, or listen to a phone message and then totally forget to do anything about it.

SoupDragon · 01/07/2010 12:01

"If she "forgot" she's deranged"

oh FFS. it must be wonderful to be perfect and never forget anything

warthog · 01/07/2010 12:01

well i think you should ask her about it next time you see her. not in an aggressive way but something like:

'hey - sorry last week didn't work out. my dd is still really keen for your dd to come for a play. do you fancy making another arrangement?' smile.

all will work out in the wash.

either she's always like this, and it'll happen again in which case you have your answer. or it'll go well and you'll find out what happened.

don't jump to conclusions.

cat64 · 01/07/2010 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hullygully · 01/07/2010 12:06

Tocc and Soup - what about manners? It's bad manners. Of course we all forget things, but do you seriously completely forget an arrangement for your child to visit another? Really? What are planners/calendars/pens and paper for? V bad manners.

Lancelottie · 01/07/2010 12:06

You know what? For a school to allow a 'planned absence', it could be a hospital appointment/court appearance/granny's funeral. It's not likely to be just the dentist for a whole day off. She may well have a lot on her mind at the moment...

cat64 · 01/07/2010 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

stripeytiger · 01/07/2010 12:07

hmc - i wouldn't be too peeved with other mum for forgetting arrangements, but I do think she might have come over to you when she saw you and made an attempt to re-arrange or even have a good laugh about you both forgetting.

Shame we can't choose our dc's friends and their mums

Salbysea · 01/07/2010 12:10

she's not going to apologise if she hasn't remembered / been reminded yet

Hullygully · 01/07/2010 12:11

Cat - as I said before, that is why when we get beyond the age of 16 we write things down. Otherwise we might forget them.

And I am not interested in competitive busyness. It is about manners. Would you tell your child it's ok to forget about people?

MyMamaToldMe · 01/07/2010 12:14

Seems strange the other mother hasn't even acknowledged your phone message. YANBU for feeling slightly annoyed, but I would just push past this feeling, especially as it is your daughter and her daughter that have the freindship - not you and the mother. Like someone else just said, just approach her and try set up another playdate, and this time ask for her contact details and give her yours - in case plans change!

Salbysea · 01/07/2010 12:15

oh FGS we don't know if
A) she really forgot (i.e. not thinking there was anything to forget - not having given her number and all)
and
B) what personal stuff they have going on that meant they had to take their child out of school that day

I think saying that she's raising her kids to be rude and inconsiderate is a bit of a leap at this stage

Original poster

hmc · 01/07/2010 12:15

Salbysea - she has been reminded by an answerphone message from the school on the day.

Am going with the: 'continuing to make an effort with her for the benefit of the dds approach (although there is something about her!)'. I just need to 'keep the faith' and stick with it ...not easy when she didn't respond warmly to my 'hello' this morning. Sorry to rake this up again and start a row

OP posts:

Hullygully · 01/07/2010 12:17

Perhaps she just hates you. Do you use deodorant?

Original poster

hmc · 01/07/2010 12:18

Errrr - yes [shrugs]

OP posts:

Salbysea · 01/07/2010 12:18

do you know if she even got the message? you haven't brought it up with her so you don't.

if she did have to take her kid out of school for something serious then would you not assume that she is a bit distracted on the morning school run and thinking of how she has to rush off to, perhaps, visit that dying relative that she brought her DD to say goodbye to the other day or something?

she's being damned without even knowing there's a trial! bring the subject up or try again THEN judge

toccatanfudge · 01/07/2010 12:19

has she listened to the answerphone message?

My (very organised) bf frequently forgets to listen to her answerphone messages as they don't have a nice little red light that flashes at them to remind them they haven't listened to them yet.

I have a memory like a sieve at the moment, (Well even at the best of times). If I write it down I'll lose the paper, or forget to look at the paper.

It's not intentional - it's the way I am........and thankfully my friends know I'm like that so give me gentle reminders (ie I'm sure my BF will remind me after school about the meal out tonight...........although I shall surprise her and tell her I've remembered ))

Original poster

hmc · 01/07/2010 12:19

(she went to a family party in Wales - not a funeral).

OP posts:

Hullygully · 01/07/2010 12:21

You'll have to ask her, we all need to know now.

Salbysea · 01/07/2010 12:21

my DH's mobile phone only gives an answer phone alert for the 1st answer phone message, so if you have any on there saved you don't know if you have new ones till you ring up. Once there's one that's been listened to the envelope symbol stays up there and he thinks "oh that's the one I listened to" when there may have been 3 others since with no notification

Wordsonascreen · 01/07/2010 12:23

dd;s grandma DID die the week she was due over to alpha mums dd to play.

I completely forgot (despite it being written in the diary)

She stomped over asking where the bloody hell we'd been ..

I hadn't wanted to broadcast to the entire playground my news (it was very upsetting to talk about it and I'm inclined to blub) but I had genuinely forgotten..hey ho

Alpha is now Beta heading towards Z list.

Original poster

hmc · 01/07/2010 12:23

What ask her if she hates me or whether she listened to her answer phone messages? - don't know if she can choke out more than one word to me!

OP posts:

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