SAHM/WOHM wasted debate....

[Thisisthatvilewoman]

So whilst we're all arguing about the rights/wrongs of staying at home or going to work using childcare(whichever choice) we're wasting precious energy that should support choice to do both.

I haven't used childcare for my own reasons that basically prevent me from working because I can't get my head round leaving my dcs with someone else in their formative years....(not up for debate, this sort of works for me). So this need for control to be around my dcs means I am less employable by the time my youngest gets to school. This is something that mainly women encounter. I know very few women that have children and have a great career, unless they have children after 35 or really young, or put them in the care of someone else full time(working full time). I know some very happy medics and lecturers that have taken enough time off to feel that they have done their dues with their dcs and the work part time....

So is my need to be with my dcs actually a choice that opposes a career, ever? Or is there a magic job somewhere? And should I be advising my dd that she has to choose a profession that enables her to have both? Will I need to tell my dss too, or will we have the same problem in 10 years?

So what's the answer?

No easy answer, no perfect solution and you are probably over-analysing anyway. Life is about choice if you are lucky enough to have them or compromise if you don't.

i don't have the answers either
i love my children but i also love my job. i work full time, we have a live in nanny. the kids are in FT school. the kids are still in bed when i go to work, i come home and spend around 2-3 hours with them (likewise their dad who gets home roughly same time as me). they have had dinner, possibly in middle of bath - and time with us is all about chat about the day, playing (chess, cards, whatever new game my dd has invented), and bed time routine. my dh and i never work weekends and hardly travel for work. we take 6 weeks holiday a year which we spend solely with the kids, go to sports days, plays etc.
i don't want to be a SAHM, i want to be a working mum as i believe that combination fulfils me the most. i know it's not for everyone and i think the main thing is to be open that your dd might not want you want and just to be supportive of what her choice is in the future and to make ourselves ready to be their childcare provider!

Well my answer was to have children with a man who was a little older, a little more established in his career, and therefore better placed than I to take some time off. So he's studying for a PhD and looks after our daughter and I work four days a week.

But most couples tend to have Extremely Compelling reasons why that's not a possibility for them.

I think that are few on here that see this as right/wrong (there are definitely SOME though ) as opposed to you do what suits YOU best!

The message I want my dd to have is to work to the best of her abilities at school, open up as many opportunities as possible and to eventually choose a partner who sees bringing up children as an equal responsibility. (If that is what she wants anyhow)

I don't think there are any easy answers, I think that the brunt of it will always be borned by the mother as opposed to the father.
I worked FT from when my daughter was tiny, it has worked brilliantly, she is now 14 and I have a good career. I would encourage any young woman to keep working at all costs when they have children, whether PT or FT if they want to have a career tbh.

Can I pseak up for the SAHD option? We did this when 3rd DC arrived. I went back to work at 4 weeks (after a c-section, I must have been barking!). DH took over responsibility for childcare. It worked for us (and was great for DCs). Now DCs are older, fortunately I am able to work from home most of the time. DH retrained and now is trying to build his own business.

Overall I think flexibility is the key. Having one parent at home gave me great flexibility to pursue my career when DCs were small. Now the DCs dont need to be micromanaged so much so we are both able to mix and match work and childcare needs. DCs dont seem to have missed out at all.

My DD is nearly 13 and has always wanted to be a teacher since being 4. I think that is great on two levels 1)She has a career vocation, 2)She will be able to fit it round her future kids if she so wished!!

It still is likely that the father earns more though...

As much as I love my dcs being at home for EIGHT years is not good for me, from birth of the first to school for the last will be....

wait for it....

11 freakin years. I am seriously considering giving up the self flogging of my own 'must be here for my dcs' mantra and getting a Nanny share for a couple of days a week and investing some time into myself. I went into sales after Uni, and so wish I hadn't, and so earnt £40ish K in my first year in work but no long term career. I was great at what I did and climbed the company ladder wquite quickly but, BIG BUT, you are only as good as your last campaign and it is too harsh for people with a heart!!

Sorry for the random and over use of the word 'so'.