to think I am not alone in this? and that it is ok?

[apseudenom]

We have no contact with my father, who is an indescribably toxic and dangerous individual. It has been a wonderfully healthy change for my family, but was not at all easy for me, even after all he put me through. Mostly because I was raised with the whole "family is family no matter what" type mentality. Received some very insightful comments/thoughts/support on MN way back when I was first considering cutting off contact. Since then, I've seen other threads where various posters have mentioned no contact with certain family members. I know of no one else IRL who has made a similar decision, and am now curious as to how prevalent it actually is - or if I am perhaps as alone in this as I am IRL.

AIBU to think that there are others of you out there who have cut off all contact with a family member? And if so, AIBU to be slightly surprised that it is one of the best things that I have ever done (re: mental/emotional health, etc.)? What has the result been for you?

My DP has no contact with his father, has been a very positive thing for him. One of his half sisters has done the same. I know neither regret it.

i took my father to the high court aged 11 to ensure i never had to see him again, no you are not alone and yes it can be a brilliant change. I concentrate on doing a better job of being a parent than i was shown growing up.

DH has had no contact with his parents for 6 years. It has undoubtedly made life far less stressful. I do worry how he will cope should one of them die though. He however, has no says he has no concerns at all and is certain it is for the best

Oh my god yes. I cut off all contact with my father, S/mother and S/sister after I became the target of the latter's wild accusations. S/sister has mental health problems, was suicidal, anorexic and self harming, I was helping her as she stayed with me for 3 months until she suddenly turned on me, trying to drive a wedge between me and my DP, my friends and other family members, then accusing me of not caring for her and disloyalty. My father took all she had to say at face value and my S/mother, who has for years wanted him to consider his current family the only one and reject the rest of us, was delighted. I was devastated.

I realised then something I'd known for 20 odd years but couldn't bring myself to admit - that my father is a weak man who won't let truth or justice get in the way of how my S/mother tells him he must act.

My story could fill a book, but in a nutshell I concluded that either I could argue my case and just fan the flames of a never-ending feud in a disfunctional family or I could cut my losses and walk away.

For a long time I was really angry and felt cheated as my father had acted as judge and jury in a kangaroo court without waiting for my side of the story and there was so much I wanted to say in my own defence.

Then reason started to take over - I acknowledged that I no longer feel so bloody responsible for my father and his family, no longer had the midnight calls where I was asked to intervene in an argument, no longer had to tread on eggshells to pacify S/mother for Dad's sake. I have never felt better, never felt more free or confident that I was right and that I did the right thing too.

I havent had any contact with my dad for 13 yrs. I did see him last year at a family funeral which raked all sorts of emotions up - what ifs etc but I know that he is a dreadful Dad and I dont want him around my children.(not that he actually wants to be anywhere near me or my kids)
I feel terribly sad about it though, he is still my Dad

I have a particularly toxic step father and I have not had any contact for 20 years...as far as I know he doesn't know I have got married and had my DS, neither would I want him to know such detail.....I have cut him completely out of my life to the extent that my DS does not know of his existence.....not to our detriment either.

i have no contact with birth mother and step father died a couple of years ago - no contact with either for a long time. no wish to either. as a victim of their abuse i would rather poke hot needles into my own eyes than have to speak to either of them again. in this life or the ever after. amen.

I cut contact with my mother and as a result dont see my siblings any more.

I do somtimes find it hard, but I think that its more mourning the mother/daughter relationship I wanted but didnt get and my lost childhood rather than being upset about her iykwim.

My DB and I have cut all contact with my poisonous attention seeking mother. It's like a breath of fresh air. Any woman who prioritises a dog with kennel cough over a grandson with suspected encephalitis can just jog on....

Following their divorce 20 years ago my dad told us he'd never wanted us so we cut him out too. He came back asking for bone marrow tests 10 years later but we stayed strong and ignored his requests to visit his sick bed.

He had beaten the living crap out of us both since we could remember, he wasn't getting a single cell from either of us.

I miss grandparents for my DS, of course, but they are an invented ideal Saga magazine type, not the trolls who actually managed to conceive us.

It'd be great if there was a grandparent matching service, perhaps for people who had sadly outlived their children, had gay children, no children etc and wanted to share a bit of love and attention...

I want my DS to grow up respecting his elders so it's a shame we don't have contact with any decent elderly people.

I have no contact with my dad, he never bothered calling me, lots of broken promises etc. I feel sad about it and always tried to keep in touch with him but after my ds was born and he still couldn't be arsed to pick up the phone I gave up. Theres still a tiny bit of me that thinks I should still try, hes still my dad but I feel so angry that he hasn't even acknowledged the existence of his grandson. Hes an alcoholic and has been abusive in the past. If I got in contact with him it would open up a huge can of worms so I just leave it for the sake of my ds. I probably won't tell him about my dad, he doesn't need to know about him, my fil and stepdad love him to bits so hes not missing out.

Cutting contact is easy, I did it when my mum died and did not speak to my father for 14 years (except at family gatherings once a year). I had good reason, one in particular was that dad said " I have five children and only four are perfect" The judge at the time put a care order on me and I went into care.

Time moves on and I am now looking after him after he has been diagnosed with Alzhiemers, he does not remember being a complete wxxnker and the way he treated me.

I could walk away right now and quite rightly so but I havent because sometimes in life you have to have a little compassion. Dad thinks I had this wonderful childhood etc.

Dont get me wrong he is a complete tosser but I am doing what my mum would want me to do.

Good luck OP x

I cut contact almost 5 years ago.

My stepdad was an abusive alcholic and my mum refuses to acknowledge that the way he behaved and the things he did to me were wrong, or that they even happened.

My mohter stayed with a man who nicknamed me daughter 'the little bitch,' was abusive and nasty to me, tried to show me porn, made innapropriate sexual comments, and on one occasion, gave me a 'snog.' So as she is still with him, and doesn't believe me, I had to cut contact for my own sake and for the safety of my daughter.

Also she has narcissitic personality disorder (she knows this) and has emtionally abused me all my life. For the sake of my sanity, and I mean that literally, I has to not see her anymore. Making nice with her and my stepdad was like saying either I was lying about everything (I wasn't, I have stuck to the same story for 20 years!) or that it was okay for them to do what they did.

I have changed a lot since I cut contact. She is what they call an 'ignoring mother' though so to tell you the truth she is not that bothered.

She is only bothered in that she can play the poor innocent aggrieved mother for other people.

I don't really talk about it in rl but I think it is more common than we think.

My dh used to be concerned that I will regret it when she dies, but as it all came out in counselling I think he understands how I feel better.

Just now off to bed and thought I'd check in, and it seems that already I am not alone.

Thank you to all of you who have shared so far...part of me instinctively wants to say that I am sorry for what each of you have gone through - but I also know that for those with situations similar to mine, I am happy for you having escaped and moved on with your lives without the poison.

I also don't talk about it IRL (so maybe there really are others IRL who do the same and I just am not aware), but that is more being ashamed of the things that my father has done to others in the community and desperately wanting to avoid any discussion about it.

Also had to add - JustSue, I read your post with awe tremendous strength that you must have. I hang my head and say that I don't think I could/would ever do what you are doing.

Off to bed, feeling not so alone in this after all...

"awe for the tremendous", sorry, must learn to preview!

Apologies for the errors in my post, in my defence I have norovirus at the moment so I am not at my grammatically correct best!

I think this is way more common than most people in RL realise. I've gone low contact with my mother; like Nemofish's mother, she's not that bothered. I have no contact with my sister as she knows everything that happened (my father was a violent alcoholic, mother - enabling narcissist) but pretends that I've exaggerated it all.

I feel so much more in control since cutting them off, I confided this to a friend the other day who told me she hasn't spoken to her parents for years

I don't 'know' you Nemofish, but hope you're not feeling too rough.

Thanks CastleDouglas, I am okay atm, I think I am slowly coming to accept what is rather than be sad about what isn't, if that makes sense.

Recently found my dad after not seeing him for 30 years, somehow I wasn't that surprised when he turned out to be a complete waste of space time. So now I have 2 shite parents!

But I have to take the experience this gives me and move on. I am not what they made me, I am my own creation!

I cut contact with my grandfather and only wish I had done it sooner. He was a loathsome creature who poisoned everyone around him. I also wish with my whole heart that my dad had had the strength to cut him off years ago instead of hanging on for a change that was never going to happen.

I don't talk about my father in RL either. If anyone asks, I say bluntly that I have no father, which usually prevents further comment.

Besides, it's true.