to be scared of talking to my friend

[suecy]

who was diagnosed with a brain tumour yesterday?

she can't really talk very well at the mo - one of the symptoms of the tumour, but has been given steroids which should kick in in a couple of days to aleiviate it and she's texted to say she'll call me then.

i'm just pretty terrified - have never really had to talk to anyone in this situation and don't know what to say.

she's having a mtg with surgeon on Thursday so at the mo we don't know prognosis etc. she lives abut 70 miles away and i've offered to go up and be with her for a day, but talking over the phone just seems so much more difficult and awkward.

am i being a completely selfish chicken? i've known her 25 years

I can understand how you would be feeling anxious etc but you really should talk to her, I imagine she is feeling terrified right now and will want/need the love and support of all her friends/loved ones.

Very sad for you both, hope she gets better news on Thursday.

Tell her you will be there for her...offer practical suggestions like childcare, housework, cooking if needed. Keep regular contact and don't be afraid of discussing anything with her...she will soon tell you what she is comfortable with.

If you feel terrified, can you imagine how she feels?

Something like that is awful for everyone involved, but I imagine she needs to know who her friends are right now.
Act normal and be there for her to talk about whatever she wants to talk about.
My MIL had cancer last year, and the thing that she found most comforting was the friends who carried on as normal, and didn't talk to her as if she was dying (even though she was).

Hope she's OK. Sending positive vibes. x

Completely understandable suecy. My friend was diagnosed with cancer last year and she came round to tell me. We talked about it for a bit and then we talked about some other stuff - just like normal. When she left she thanked me for not just talking about the cancer.

If you're uncomfortable - give her a big hug and then don't be afraid to ask "do you want to talk about it?" and if she says no, talk about other stuff and don't feel bad that you're not talking about the big scary stuff because she will talk about that when she's ready. And life isn't just about the big scary stuff...its not wrong to talk about what happened on Eastenders last night.

If you don't know what to say than be honest and tell her that. It at least gives her something to work with.

Just tell her you love her and you'll be there for her - and give her a massive hug.

thanks ladies - wasn't suggesting for a moment that I wouldn't talk to her, just apprehensive about it.

tutusare4 - you're completely right, I cannot imagine for a second how she feels.

She was in an abusive marriage for years and finally escaped, had periods on her own and going out with complete t*ssers and have been seeing a fab bloke for 5 years and they've just got engaged. Finally a happy future ahead of her.......

You know what - it will be OK, don't worry. Just be there for her and follow her lead in the conversation. If you don't know what to say, tell her, but don't avoid her if she wants to phone.

I think people sometimes think it will be a lot more difficult to talk to someone in this situation than it actually is, you aren't being selfish, just naturally apprehensive. I hope she has better news on Thurs. she's probably in a state of shock at the moment and just reaching out to people.

First, sorry to hear about your friend's diagnosis.

Second - CALL HER. I had cancer ten years ago and I can tell you from first-hand experience that she will 100% appreciate the call. Tell her you don't know what to say if you want.

If you're concerned that she perhaps isn't able to talk due to speech problems then send a quick text asking if she's free - she can tell you if she's up for a chat or not.

You obviously care very much and want to be supportive - you're not being selfish, it's a very scary time for everyone.

If you are really not a 'phone person, and don't usually have long, chatty conversations on the 'phone with her, then I can kind of understand it - some people find 'phone conversations really awkward. If that's the case then she'd know that after 25 years, and I'd tell her that you want to see her, in person, as soon as possible. That way she knows that you're not avoiding her because you're scared to talk about her tumour and how she's coping.

If it's more that you are uncomfortable talking about her illness, then I think you need to remember that the feelings of a loved friend, at this moment, should take priority over your discomfort. Take the good advice on this thread about what to say. Or just call her and say "I'm devastated for you and I have absolutely no idea what to say!!".

The main thing is; say anything, just don't avoid her.

Do you not know what to say or are you struggling with talking to person who has difficulty with speech?

If the latter, you may well find that you can communicate perfectly well even though she may be struggling to get at the right words - like someone who has had a stroke.

If the former, the earl;ier answers will point you in the right general direction.

But don't forget it is BLOODY frustrating not being able to get the words out right, IME with friends & relatives. So really, don't be afraid, definitely spend that day with her and find out how she is communicating so you can talk to her on the phone easily afterwards and know what her verbal hold ups are.

She's still your 25 year friend, she would so the same for you, and probably feel just as nervous & overwhelmed.